It's Like A Walk Down The Red Carpet

I stumbled across this website that "specialized" in Celebrity Look-Alikes. I'm sure these photographs will leave you as star-struck as I was.















Johnny Depp




















Catherine Zeta-Jones




















Bruce Willis




















Cameron Diaz















Arnold Schwarzenegger

Superman The Extortionist

Another entry in my on-going quest to prove that Superman is a jerk...

What Happened To Doug??!

This isn't the Doug I remember from high school...

The Top 10 Gadgets Of All Time

10. TIVO SERIES1, 1999
Like FedEx, Velcro, and Google, TiVo has joined that rare echelon of companies with names that have become synonymous with their industry. Today, we "tivo" instead of "tape," and 2 million TiVo enthusiasts have forgotten what TV commercials look like. Early TiVo units — manufactured by Philips, Sony, and others — were exorbitantly expensive (10 hours of recording cost $500), but competition with fellow upstart ReplayTV has steadily driven prices down. Now imagine what the world might be like had the product gone with its original name: "Teleworld."

9. ATARI 2600, 1977
We've got two words to describe the majesty of this device: Yar's Revenge.

8. DIAMOND MULTIMEDIA RIO 300, 1998
It seems like a lifetime ago, but it was just 1998 when Diamond Multimedia released the first portable flash MP3 player, prompting a lawsuit from the record industry claiming that any MP3 player facilitated piracy. It might have sported a paltry 32MB of memory, but the Rio 300 was the first shot in the digital music revolution.

7. U.S. ROBOTICS PILOT 1000, 1996
A string of companies tried to create handheld, pen-centric computers throughout the early 1990s, mostly to no avail. (Remember Zoomer? Neither does anyone else.) The Pilot 1000 was the first one to hit the sweet spot, and in so doing, it showed how successful simplicity and reliability could be. Despite successive name changes, many people still call their handhelds "Pilots" — a testament to the power a single product had to create an entire industry.

6. CASIO QV-10 DIGITAL CAMERA, 1996
Milestones in the digital camera world are astonishingly difficult to nail down. In the early 1990s, major camera manufacturers began tinkering with digital for the professional market. The first amateur digicams were notoriously bad, and it wasn't until Casio's QV-10 that consumers really thought they could give this digital business a go. The QV-10 could store up to 96 images with a resolution of up to 76,800 pixels on its 2MB of flash RAM, and offered a wacky newfangled LCD screen so that you could preview your pictures, which you could output to either your 486 or TV. All this for just $995! Pricey, but the QV-10 looked cool, worked reasonably well, and didn't have to be sent back to Casio for servicing that often. Digicams would be plagued with bugs and high prices for years to come, but the QV-10 really opened the door for digital cameras as a whole.

5. CDI MECHANICAL MOUSE MODEL 4-101, 1970
Though the mouse was invented by Douglas Engelbart in 1965, it took a good five years for the idea to catch on. Computer Displays made the mouse marketable with its three-button Mechanical Mouse 4-101.

4. MOTOROLA STARTAC, 1996
Before the StarTAC, cell phones had become fashionable with teenagers and the belt-clip set, but it wasn't until this 3.1-ounce flip phone that people started to see the promise of a handset that could genuinely fit into your pocket. Far smaller than any phone that preceded it, the StarTAC was the ultimate status symbol of the late '90s and perhaps the best example of "geek chic" ever to exist. But most important, the StarTAC ushered in the wave of miniaturized phones, one that's still rolling today.

3. SONY WALKMAN, 1979
We're not saying the iPod isn't one of the coolest devices ever made, but Apple's little music monster would never have been possible without Sony's groundbreaking Walkman. The brainchild of Sony cofounders Masaru Ibuka, Akio Morita, and Norio Ohga, this portable cassette tape player made the dream of a mobile music collection a generation-changing reality and put Sony in the technological catbird seat.

2. ZENITH SPACE COMMAND TV REMOTE CONTROL, 1956
Remember having to get up off the couch to change the channel on the TV by hand? Of course you don't, thanks to Robert Adler's stunning breakthrough, the wireless remote control. Zenith had been meddling with remotes since 1950; its Lazy Bones remote (no, seriously, that's what it was called) simply ran to the TV with a wire. The first wireless remote came in 1955: The Flash-matic was basically a flashlight you shined at one of the TV's four corners, depending on whether you wanted to change the channel up or down. The problem: On sunny days, the TV would change channels by itself. In 1956, Adler had a better idea: Use ultrasonic sound to control the TV. His Space Command remote had four buttons that, when pressed, struck an aluminum rod located inside the unit. A receiver in the TV detected the sound, and depending on the pitch, changed channels or muted the volume. No batteries required. Various forms of ultrasonic technology were the standard all the way until the 1980s, when infrared took over.

1. APPLE POWERBOOK 100, 1991
Never mind the Apple versus PC debate: Until Apple unveiled this 5.1-pound machine, most "portable" computers were curiosities for technophiles with superior upper-body strength. But the PowerBook 100's greatest and most lasting innovation was to move the keyboard toward the screen, leaving natural wrist rests up front, as well as providing an obvious place for a trackball. It seems like the natural layout now, but that's because the entire industry aped Apple within months. The first PowerBooks captured an astounding 40 percent of the market, but more important, they turned notebook computers into mainstream products and ushered in the era of mobile computing that we're still living in today.

(from Mobile Magazine)

Mr. Pinkerton Does Make Some Valid Points

The Death Cab Posts Will Subside Eventually, I Promise

Brent, one of my Death Cab neophytes, pointed me to this great comment made by Nick Harmer, their bassist, regarding the band's recent transition to Atlantic Records:

"There have been some kids who have said that it sucks we're on Atlantic, that they hate bands on major labels, and part of me just feels really bad for that mentality. If you have a hard time about bands on major labels, that also pretty much says to me that you have the lamest record collection of anyone in the world. I guess you don't buy any Clash records or Talking Heads records or Bowie. I guess you don't have any Stones or Beatles or Radiohead or the Pixies or Nirvana. There are a million great bands who have done major-label things and had their souls intact."

A Word To The Wise

The best album you'll hear this year
comes out on Tuesday.

Overkill *UPDATE*

It's worse than I feared...it appears that Gamestop has created something called the "Omega Bundle" that manages to out-do the ridiculous package deal I pointed out on Thursday. Click here to see the price tag on this one. Surely nothing can top the OMEGA BUNDLE...

Overkill

Because most kids in America have $1200 to drop on a new video game system, Gamestop is offering the Ultimate Xbox 360 Bundle. Seriously though, what are they thinking? Even if you look past the gargantuan price tag, what are the chances that someone is actually going to want all 11 games that come in this bundle?

The Fraternities Must Be Fabulous

The Top 10 Gay-Friendly Colleges

1. New College of Florida, Sarasota
2. Macalester College, St. Paul, Minn.
3. Wellesley College, Wellesley, Mass.
4. Eugene Lang College, New York City
5. Mount Holyoke College, South Hadley, Mass.
6. St. John's College, Annapolis, Md.
7. Bryn Mawr College, Bryn Mawr, Pa.
8. Lawrence University, Appleton, Wis.
9. Emerson College, Boston
10. Harvey Mudd College, Claremont, Calif.
    

(from The Princeton Review)

Technology Humor From Britain

Shit, Jack Palance IS Still Alive

(from mingthemerciless.com)

In the beginning God created City Slickers II: The Legend of Curly's Gold.

And City Slickers II: The Legend of Curly's Gold was without form, and void; and darkness was upon the face of City Slickers II: The Legend of Curly's Gold. And the Spirit of God moved upon the face of City Slickers II: The Legend of Curly's Gold.

And God said, Let there be Jack Palance: and there was Jack Palance.

And God saw Jack Palance, that it was good: and God divided the Jack from the Palance.

And God called the Jack Duke, and the Palance he called Washburn. And the Jack and the Palance were Duke Washburn.

And God said, Let Duke Washburn be the brother of Curly, who died in the first movie.

And in City Slickers II: The Legend of Curly's Gold Billy Crystal went in search of Curly's gold, or something. I didn't see it. It looked shit.

I mean, it's such an annoying premise, bringing back Jack Palance.

And can you believe he won an Oscar for the first one?

It's just like Arthur II: On the rocks. They brought John Gielgud back for that one, even though he also died in the first movie.

And HE won an Oscar as well. Can you believe that?

As If You Needed More Reasons To Shop Elsewhere...

Wal-Mart by the numbers:

• According to a study done by Iowa State University, within the first decade after Wal-Mart arrived in Iowa, the state lost 555 grocery stores, 298 hardware stores, 293 building supply stores, 161 variety stores, 158 women's apparel stores, 153 shoe stores, 116 drugstores, and 111 men's and boys' apparel stores.

• Wal-mart runs ads featuring the United States flag and proclaims "We Buy American". In 2001 they moved their worldwide purchasing headquarters to China and are the largest importer of Chinese goods in the US, purchasing over $10 BILLION of Chinese-made products annually. Products made mostly by women and children working in the labor hell-holes China is famous for.

• Their average employee working in the US makes $15,000 a year, $7.22 per hour!

• The company brags that 70% of their employees are full time, but fails to disclose that they count anyone working 28 hours a week or more as full time.

• There are no health care benefits available until a person has worked for the company for two years.

• Wal-Mart holds the record for the most suits filed against it by the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission. A lawyer from "Business Week" (not exactly the bastion for supporting Labor) said, "I have never seen this kind of blatant disregard for the law." They had to pay $750,000 in Arizona for blatant discrimination against the disabled! The judge was so incensed that he also order them to run commercials admitting their guilt.

• Nearly 1 MILLION women are involved in the largest class-action suit every filed against a corporation. Although women make up over 65% of this corporations work force only 10% of them are managers. The women who have become store managers make an average of $16,400 a year LESS then the men.

• With 4,400 stores they practice "predatory pricing." They come into a community and sell their goods at below cost until they drive local businesses under. Once they have captured the market the prices go up.

• The Wal-Mart Corporation contributed $2,159,330 to GW Bush and the GOP in 2000 and 2002.

(from intellectualpoison.com)

You're Not Fooling Anyone, Science!

President Bush said Monday that he believes schools should discuss “intelligent design” alongside evolution when teaching students about the creation of life.

During a round-table interview with reporters from five Texas newspapers, Bush declined to go into detail about his personal views of the origin of life. However, he said students should learn about each explanation, Knight Ridder Newspapers reported.

“I think that part of education is to expose people to different schools of thought,” Bush said. “You’re asking me whether or not people ought to be exposed to different ideas, the answer is yes,” the president said.

Proponents of intelligent design say life on Earth is too complex to have developed through evolution, implying that a higher power must have had a hand in creation.

Blogger's Note: Intelligent design? More like intelligence declines.

Only In America...

A Random Observation

What is it about Jeff Buckley's version of Hallelujah that just strips me right to the core? I swear I could hear that song while frolicking with Orlando Bloom and a box of kittens through a field of over-sized sunflowers and I'd still need to stop and find a box of Kleenex. That song owns me.

Shameful

This is why other countries laugh at us, people...

Cheap Laptops Incite Riot

I Coulda Been A Contender

Here's a silly little website that tells who you were in a past life based on your birthday. Ah, the wonders of the Internet...

Past Life Analysis

My results:

I don't know how you feel about it, but you were a female in your last Earthly incarnation. You were born somewhere in the territory of modern Arctic around the year 650. Your profession was that of a warrior, hunter, fisherman or executor of sacrifices.

Your brief psychological profile in your past life:
You were a sane, practical person, a materialist with no spiritual consciousness. Your simple wisdom helped the weaker and the poor.

The lesson that your last past life brought to your present incarnation:
You should develop your talent for love, happiness and enthusiasm and you should distribute these feelings to all people.

(so THAT'S why I hate the heat!)

Astonishing Facts From Around The Globe #8

• Sherlock Holmes never once actually said, "Elementary, my dear Watson."

• Celery actually has negative calories. It takes more calories to eat a piece of celery than the celery has in it to begin with.

• Bats always turn left when exiting a cave.

• It's a rule in comic strips that the person on the left always speaks first.

• United States businesses now spend $21.6 billion annually on deleting and preventing SPAM.

• Family-friendly G-rated films earn far more money than any other rating, yet only 3% of Hollywood's output is G-rated.

• 20% of Americans think the sun orbits around the Earth.

The Most Under-Appreciated Video Game Ever

Film Critic Paul Clinton Makes My Day

"The Dukes of Hazzard" is a prime example of a sad Hollywood habit: taking a popular -- but rather dumb -- TV show and turning it into a totally stupid and meaningless film.

This flick is a car wreck with boobs.

Now, let me just say, if your idea of a good film is a nearly naked Jessica Simpson and completely over-the-top chase scenes, then this movie is for you.

If, however, you're not a teenage boy with raging hormones -- and you like films with an actual plot (instead of walking and talking clichés) -- this movie may put you into a coma. The storyline is so dumb and predictable it wouldn't have even made the grade for an episode of the original TV series.

Blogger's Note: Sadly, I'm certain this movie will still have a big opening weekend. Stupid people are easy to fool and every redneck in the country will load the kids in the back of the pickup truck, put on their cleanest NASCAR t-shirt and head for the theatre in town. You know, make a day of it. Maybe grab dinner at the Wal-Mart snack bar afterwards. What's even sadder is the fact that they'll all leave the movie thinking it was the greatest film they've seen all year.

Halle Berry Did Not Make My List

Name some actors/actresses that you enjoy so much you'd watch them in anything.

My picks:

• Philip Seymour Hoffman
• Bill Murray
• Gary Oldman
• Peter Sarsgaard
• Edward Norton
• Joan Allen
• Ian McKellen
• Frances McDormand
• Brian Cox
• Tom Wilkinson
• Maggie Gyllenhaal
• Patricia Clarkson
• Tim Roth
• Sam Rockwell
• William H. Macy
• Will Ferrell
  

Funny Cause It's True, It Is

At last, all my criticisms of Episode III summed up in one tidy comic strip. Props to Schnepf for finding this one.

(in case you haven't figured it out yet, clicking on the pic will make it both larger and more legible.)

Soul Meets Body

In preparation for the August 30 release of Plans, Death Cab has posted the first track off the album on their MySpace page. Seeing how DCFC is one of my all-time favorite bands, my heavily biased opinion is that the song is great; but listen for yourself:

Click & Enjoy

A Random Observation

What's the deal with KFC using the tune to "Sweet Home Alabama" in their current television ads? Wouldn't that make them AFC?

It's More Fun In Groups

Haven't done something interactive in awhile...

What are your 5 favorite board games/get-together-games to play with a group of friends?

Mine are:

1. Pictionary
2. Scattergories
3. Trivial Pursuit
4. Cranium
5. Balderdash
   

Nicely Done, American Movie-goers

And a follow-up to the previous post...

(from CNN.com)
"Stealth," about Navy pilots (Josh Lucas, Jessica Biel and Jamie Foxx) taking on a rogue drone plane, crashed and burned, finishing at No. 4 with $13.5 million. With an estimated $100 million production budget, "Stealth" will prove a costly money-loser for distributor Sony.

Way To Follow-up That Oscar Win, Mr. Foxx

Ebert confirms what that awful trailer led me to believe...

"Stealth" is an offense against taste, intelligence and the noise pollution code -- a dumbed-down "Top Gun" crossed with the HAL 9000 plot from "2001." It might be of interest to you if you want to see lots of jet airplanes going real fast and making a lot of noise, and if you don't care that the story doesn't merely defy logic, but strips logic bare, cremates it and scatters its ashes. Here is a movie with the nerve to discuss a computer brain "like a quantum sponge" while violating Newton's Laws of Motion.

23 Rules Of Boozing That Apply To Us All

1. Buying someone a drink is five times better than a handshake.
2. Never borrow more than one cigarette from the same person in one night.
3. Get the bartender's attention with eye contact and a smile.
4. Do not make eye contact with the bartender if you do not want a drink.
5. Never, ever tell a bartender he/she made your drink too strong.
6. If the bartender makes it too weak, order a double next time. He/she will get the message.
7. Always have a corkscrew in your house.
8. If you don't have a corkscrew, push the cork down into the bottle with a pen.
9. Our parents were better drinkers than we are.
10. It is only permissible to shout, "Woo-Hoo!" if you are doing a shot with four or more people.
11. If you can't afford to tip, you can't afford to drink in a bar. Go to the liquor store.
12. If you owe someone 20 dollars or less, you may pay them back in beer.
13. The only thing that tastes better than free liquor is stolen liquor.
14. If you bring Old Milwaukee to a party, you must drink at least two cans before you start drinking the imported beer in the fridge.
15. Anyone on stage or behind a bar is 50 percent better looking.
16. You can tell how hard a drinker someone is by how close they keep their drink to their mouth.
17. Never yell out jukebox selections to someone you don't know.
18. Asking a bartender what beers are on tap when the handles are right in front of you is the equivalent of saying, "I'm an idiot."
19. If there is ever any confusion, the fuller beer is yours.
20. Anyone with three or more drinks in their hands has the right of way.
21. Beer makes you mellow, champagne makes you silly, wine makes you dramatic, tequila makes you felonious.
22. A flask engraved with a personal message is one of the best gifts you can ever give. And make sure there's something in it.
23. Being drunk is feeling sophisticated without being able to say it.
    

What They (hopefully) Didn't Teach You In School

I Bent My Wookie

Because it's Friday night and there's nothing going on, I give you 10 sexually tilted lines from the original Star Wars Trilogy:

1. "Look at the size of that thing!"
2. "You came in that thing? You're braver than I thought."
3. "Luke, at that speed do you think you'll be able to pull out in time?"
4. "Hey, point that thing someplace else!"
5. "What could possibly have come over Master Luke?"
6. "Sorry about the mess..."
7. "I thought that hairy beast would be the end of me!"
8. "Hey Luke, thanks for coming after me - now I owe you one."
9. "I never knew I had it in me."
10. "Back door, huh? Good idea!"
    

Astonishing Facts From Around The Globe #7

• Recycling one glass jar saves enough energy to watch TV for 3 hours.

• Q is the only letter in the alphabet that does not appear in the name of any of the United States.

• Fortune cookies were actually invented in America, in 1918, by Charles Jung.

• Because metal was scarce, the Oscars given out during World War II were made of wood.

• Chewing gum while peeling onions will keep you from crying.

• The dot over the letter "i" is called a tittle.

• During the chariot scene in Ben Hur, a small red car can be seen in the distance (and Heston's wearing a watch).

Well That's Just...Uncanny Is What That Is

Special Guest Caption provided by Tony: "Holy Crap!"

Color Me There

Someone emailed me this amusing letter about California liberals planning a revolt. Unfortunately I don't know the person who originally drafted it up, but good job to whomever you are.

Dear Red States,

We're ticked off at the way you've treated California, and we've decided we're leaving. We intend to form our own country, and we're taking the other Blue States with us. In case you aren't aware, that includes Hawaii, Oregon, Washington, Minnesota, Wisconsin, Michigan, Illinois and all of the Northeast.

We believe this split will be beneficial to the nation,and especially to the people of the new country of New California.

To sum up briefly:

You get Texas, Oklahoma, and all the slave states.
We get stem cell research and the best beaches.
We get Elliot Spitzer. You get Ken Lay.
We get the Statue of Liberty. You get Wal-Mart.
We get Intel and Microsoft. You get WorldCom.
We get Harvard. You get Bob Jones University.
We get 85 percent of America's venture capital and entrepreneurs. You get Alabama.
We get two-thirds of the tax revenue. You get to make the red states pay their fair share.

Since our aggregate divorce rate is 22 percent lower than the Christian Coalition's, we get a bunch of happy families. You get a bunch of single moms.

Please be aware that Nuevo California will be pro-choice and anti-war, and we're going to want all our citizens back from Iraq at once. If you need people to fight, ask your evangelicals. They have kids they're apparently willing to send to their deaths for no purpose, and they don't care if you don't show pictures of their children's caskets coming home.

We do wish you success in Iraq, and hope that the WMDs turn up, but we're not willing to spend our resources in Bush's Quagmire.

With the Blue States in hand, we will have firm control of 80 percent of the country's fresh water, more than 90 percent of the pineapple and lettuce, 92 percent of the nation's fresh fruit, 95 percent of America's quality wines (you can serve French wines at state dinners), 90 percent of all cheese, 90 percent of the high-tech industry, most of the U.S. low-sulfur coal, all living redwoods, sequoias and condors, all the Ivy and Seven Sister schools, plus Harvard, Yale, Stanford, Cal Tech and MIT.

With the Red States, on the other hand, you will have to cope with 88 percent of all obese Americans (and their projected health care costs), 92 percent of all U.S. mosquitoes, nearly 100 percent of the tornadoes, 90 percent of the hurricanes, 99 percent of all Southern Baptists, virtually 100 percent of all televangelists, Rush Limbaugh, Bob Jones University, Clemson, and the University of Georgia.

We get Hollywood and Yosemite, thank you.

Additionally, 38 percent of those in the Red states believe Jonah was actually swallowed by a whale, 62 percent believe life is sacred unless we're discussing the death penalty or gun laws, 44 percent say that evolution is only a theory, 53 percent that Saddam was involved in 9/11, and 61 percent of you crazy bastards believe you are people with higher morals than we lefties.

By the way, we're taking the good pot, too. You can have that dirt weed they grow in Mexico.

Even The Paintings?

A fascinating glimpse into the future from a 1950 issue of Popular Mechanics.

Charlie And The Chocolate Factory Review

Many people were skeptical when it was announced that a re-make of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory was going to be made. For various reasons, the original film adaptation has become sacred to a great many people over the years, be it for Gene Wilder's performance or simply for the numerous pop culture references that have sprung from it. Also, the track record for re-makes in Hollywood isn't exactly stellar. Thankfully, this new adaptation was never intended to be a replacement for Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory, but rather, a faithful translation of the book to film.

Personally, I thought this was a great idea from the start because I heard that Tim Burton would be at the reigns. I've made it no secret that Timmy is a personal idol of mine. Many of his films are among my favorites ever made and I have the utmost respect for his wacky vision and wild imagination. In my opinion, there is no director on this planet better suited to tackle Roald Dahl's work. Apparently the Dahl family agrees, as Roald's widow insisted that if there were to be another version of the book made to film, the only director they would agree to would be Mr. Burton.

As I stated earlier, the biggest reason Charlie and the Chocolate Factory works so well is because the people involved took every effort to make it its own film. Johnny Depp was never trying to duplicate Gene Wilder's performance. He gives his own bizarre take on Willy Wonka with marvelous results. Also, screenwriter John August, who wrote Big Fish for Burton, had never seen the original 1971 Wonka before he started writing this new adaptation. So he was never consciously competing with what had been previously done. I've been a fan of the book since grade school and I can tell you that this new film is extremely faithful to it. There are a number of scenes that were omitted from Wilder's Wonka including the squirrel room, the children exiting the factory in their new forms, and the ending where the Buckets come and live at the factory. There were also many lines taken from the book and the Oompa Loompas are much more accurately portrayed with one man, the fantastic Deep Roy, playing all of them individually. In addition to all this, there are some scenes included that were not in the book, mostly consisting of flashbacks where we see snipets of Willy Wonka's life before he created his wondrous factory. The scenes work very well with the rest of the film and were approved by the Dahl family to be added. I must also tip my hat to Danny Elfman who comes through with a brilliant score and a number of toe-tapping music numbers that harken back to his Oingo Boingo days.

Another reason Charlie comes together is because the film never tries to be realistic. In fact, you could say it flies in the face of reality. The world in which the film takes place has no distinct time or even a name...it's just completely bonkers. Charlie also has a great sense of humor; both Depp's performance and the overall tone of the film come across very well.

Speaking of Depp, something occurred to me after seeing the film that I found interesting. When I think of all the Johnny Depp films I've seen, a great many of them were made better by his performance. In fact, in some cases like Fear & Loathing in Las Vegas or Pirates of the Caribbean, I think I can safely say that those films were positively made great by Depp starring in them. Now to my point, Charlie and the Chocolate Factory is actually terrific with or without Depp. Now, I'm not at all saying that Depp's Willy Wonka isn't an important part of the film. He created a great new version of Wonka that is very entertaining in a way that I believe only could be pulled off by someone with his amazing character acting skills. What I am saying is that the world Burton created is so extraordinary that it's able to stand on its own merit. Depp is icing on an already sweet layer cake.

I could go on and on about why Charlie and the Chocolate Factory impressed me so much, but everyone knows I'm a "mark" for Tim Burton so it'll just sound like I'm singing his praises. If you haven't yet, go see Charlie for yourself. I'd feel sorry for the person who wasn't entertained by it. If you're a fan of the original film, that's great- I am too. The cool thing is that it's easy to enjoy both films because they are so different, despite telling essentially the same story. And if you're a fan of the book, this is the adaptation you've wanted to see.

Torrey's Opinion:
5- Strongly Recommended
4- Recommended
3- A Mixed Bag
2- Sub-par
1- Don't Bother

Random related fact: Johnny Depp has described his portrayal of Willy Wonka as a combination of Marilyn Manson, Howard Hughes and a 13-year-old valley girl.

Are You Ready?

You probably know that the goverment put together an oh-so-helpful website called ready.gov that's meant to help us prepare for immenant terrorist attacks. The site offers about as much assistance as the 'duck and cover' lessons of the 1950s. Below you'll find some icons from the site that I decided to offer interpretations for.



In the event that you've been set on fire, do not run. Stay in one place so the fire department can find you.












If you spot terrorism, blow your anti-terrorism whistle. Or if you're Vin Diesel, just yell.












If you spot a terrorism indicator, pin it up against the wall with your shoulder until the authorities arrive.












If you are sprayed with an unknown substance, take a moment to consider a cool tattoo design.












Use a flashlight to lift fallen debris right off you!












Take a moment to think about how hurricanes, animal corpses and your potential new tattoo might support terrorism.












If you come across a locked exit, karate chop the three precise points indicated.












A one-inch piece of plexi-glass should be sufficient protection against radiation.












Exposure to radiation may result in unexpected growth, not unlike that of a mutant or The Hulk.












If someone is playing the new Backstreet Boys album, either cower in the corner or run out of earshot as fast as you can.












If you lose a contact during an emergency, do not stop to look for it. Simply roll away.









When preparing a bomb shelter, be sure to stock it with plenty of non-perishable food items like fresh apples.

Astonishing Facts From Around The Globe #6

• In the Caribbean, there are oysters that can climb trees.

• If you were to spell out each number starting with zero, you'd have to go until a thousand before you'd use the letter "A".

• Each day more money is printed for the game Monopoly than for the U.S. Treasury.

• In 1987, American Arlines saved $40,000 by eliminating one olive from each salad served in first class.

• Peanuts are one of the ingredients used in dynamite.

• The average person has almost 1,500 dreams per year.

• A sneeze travels out of your mouth at over 100 m.p.h.

A Conversation With Timmy

Tim Burton is my favorite director, thus I'm sharing a link to a recent interview with him:

Burton talks about Charlie and the Chocolate Factory

Jimmy Olsen's Darkest Day

He even made him wear a dog harness. Superman is a jerk.

I dunno, this just made me chuckle.

More Than You Probably Cared To Know About...

Crayola Crayons

• In 1903, the Binney & Smith Company made the first box of Crayola crayons costing only a nickel and containing eight colors: red, orange, yellow, green, blue, violet, brown and black.

• The now-classic 64-box of crayons, complete with built-in sharpener, was introduced in 1958.

• In 1958, the color 'prussian blue' was renamed to 'midnight blue' in response to teacher requests. Also, due in part to the civil rights movements of the 1960s, the color 'flesh' was renamed 'peach'.

• The most recent additions to Crayola's palette were made in 1998, consisting of 24 new colors ranging from 'Antique Brass' to 'Outer Space'. Currently there are 120 varieties of crayons produced.

• On average, children between the ages of two and seven color 28 minutes each day.

• The average child in the U.S. will wear down 730 crayons by his or her tenth birthday.

• The scent of Crayola crayons is considered to be one of the twenty most recognizable by adults.

• Red and black are the most popular crayon colors, mostly because they tend to be used for outlining.

• Binney & Smith are dedicated to environmental responsibility. Crayons that don't meet quality standards are remelted and used to make new crayons. Ninety percent of Crayola packaging is made from recycled cardboard and the company makes sure the wood in their colored pencils doesn't originate from tropical rain forests.

• Binney & Smith produce two billion Crayola crayons a year, which, if placed end to end, would circle the Earth 4.5 times.

What followed Episode III...

War Of The Worlds Review

(this review is spoilery if you haven't yet seen the movie)
Don't you hate it when a movie starts out strong but falls apart in the second half? For the first hour or so of War of the Worlds I was totally captivated. A large-scale alien invasion was starting to take place on my planet, presented with astounding special effects and that Spielberg gumption I've come to expect over the years. When the first tripod emerges from beneath New York, the chaos that follows makes it impossible to look away from the screen. I was ready to claim War of the Worlds to be the best movie of the summer...until the plot started to take a downward spiral.

The movie begins strong but really starts to meander and tries its best to dodge the answers to questions you're forming in your mind as you're watching it. Questions like: Why did the aliens wait so long to invade us? If the pods were buried underground all around the world, how come no one ever came across one while building subway tunnels and foundations and whatnot? Why did they not research the fact that our atmosphere would kill them? Why does the teenage son have such a hard-on for war? And the biggest plot hole in the movie: How in the hell did the son get back to Boston? A lot of these things I'm willing to overlook because, hey, this is a Spielberg summer blockbuster and that means one should expect plausibility to take a backseat to excitement. Also, certain details like the manner at which the aliens meet their unexpected demise had to be consistent with the original story.

Unfortunately my issues go deeper than mere quibbles- I felt that the script really fell off after the first act. I've always been a fan of David Koepp but I can't help feeling that he just ran out of steam getting to the inevitable ending where the aliens are defeated by their own poor planning. There's one part where Tom and his daughter are hiding in a basement with a wacked-out Tim Robbins...an alien tentacle is searching around trying to find them in a scene very reminiscent of Jurassic Park. The only problem is, the scene goes on for far too long and isn't nearly as interesting or tense as the menacing raptors in the kitchen. We also get our first look at the alien creatures in this scene, which in my opinion was a little disappointing. They aren't exactly scary or threatening- in fact they don't look all that interesting at all. I'm not saying they need to resemble a Sigourney Weaver alien, but these things are carelessly exterminating our entire race- I don't think I'm supposed to like them. Or worse, be completely indifferent.

That raises another question that the script manages to avoid: Why are the aliens doing this? What are their motives for killing us and apparently spraying our blood over the landscape? Is it simply to make our planet look like their own? If that's the case, why are they doing it now after millions of years? Any explanation will do- it's science fiction after all! The problem is they don't offer any explanations. We see the main characters running, dodging and hiding from peril while the script does the same from proper narration.

At this point I must sound like I hated the film, which is not the case. There were some amazing action sequences and with Lord of the Rings aside, some of the most impressive special effects I've ever seen. The way the tripods interact with the environments and screaming hordes of people is often times brilliantly done. Technically, the movie most definitely holds its own. But then I have to go and expect a good script to accompany the effects.

War of the Worlds isn't a bad movie- I would recommend seeing it as there are a number of breathtaking scenes and at times the movie does plant the thought in your mind, "What would I do if this happened to me?" The biggest problem I have is that I'm left answering far too many of my own questions.

Torrey's Opinion:
5- Strongly Recommended
4- Recommended
3- A Mixed Bag
2- Sub-par
1- Don't Bother

Random related fact: While filming nearby, Tom Cruise along with a 20 member entourage including Steven Spielberg visited a Lexington, Virginia Dairy Queen. Cruise saw a jar on the counter with a photo of Ashley Flint and her story. Flint was in a go-kart accident a few months earlier, leaving her family with a mountain of hospital bills. Cruise put $5000 cash into the jar.

Astonishing Facts From Around The Globe #5

• The "You Are Here" arrow on maps is called an ideo locator.

• In 1998, more fast-food employees were murdered on the job than police officers.

• The five Olympic rings are red, black, blue, green and yellow because at least one of those colors appears on the flag of every nation on the planet.

• Americans spend an average of 6 months of their lives waiting at red lights.

• The longest words in the english language with only one syllable are "screeched" and "strengths".

• One pound of lemons contain more sugar than one pound of strawberries. (how's that for random?)

• "60 Minutes" is the only TV show in history to have neither a theme song nor music.

(from The Sun Online)

Company chiefs at Kellogg were left red-faced this week after discovering the term for their newest cereal, "Chocolately Coco Rocks", is already a street word for dark-brown crack cocaine, made by adding chocolate pudding during its production.

Bewitched Review

Let me start off by saying that doing a film version of the classic television show, Bewitched, is a terrible idea. Thankfully this movie didn't do that. This movie serves as more of a tribute to Bewitched while it also fills the bill as a modern romantic comedy with a touch of whimsy added to it. It's no secret that the romantic comedy has never been one of my preferred genres, but every so often I'll come across one worth watching. Bewitched isn't a great film. The characters are never fully developed, the script meanders and there are loose ends that are left untied. But it's clear that the movie is only trying to be light-hearted fun and at that level, it succeeds. The cast works well enough- Nicole Kidman continues to broaden her range (and is much more enjoyable in this comedic effort than in her last. Stepford Wives was awful.) Michael Caine shows up with a solid performance, but what else would you expect really? He's Michael Caine. The film features numerous other strong supporting characters, some of the best played by Amy Sedaris, Jason Schwartzman and three Daily Show correspondents. Of course, as everyone would expect, the real bread and butter of Bewitched is Will Ferrell. Even a slightly more restrained Ferrell is still hilarious. I'm not sure how he does it, but he's able to be over-the-top without becoming annoying. It's a fine line that he's somehow able to walk with complete sobriety. With a flimsy plot, the weight of Bewitched mostly rests on Ferrell's performance and he appears to carry us through with ease. The man is just comedic gold. So in the end, Bewitched is simply a cute movie. I don't know how else to put it- it's the kind of movie you rent on a Wednesday night when you're in the mood for something light and playful. If you're a fan of Will Ferrell's schtick, it's worth checking out at some point on DVD. If you decide to see it in the theatre, get the matinee price.

Torrey's Opinion:
5- Strongly Recommended
4- Recommended
3- A Mixed Bag
2- Sub-par
1- Don't Bother

Random Related Fact: Cast members Kristin Chenoweth and Carole Shelley are also performers in the Broadway musical Wicked.

I have feminist friends so I'm allowed to laugh at their expense.

Astonishing Facts From Around The Globe #4

• Two-thirds of the world's eggplant is grown in New Jersey.

• Astronauts cannot burp in space. There is no gravity to separate liquid from gas in their stomachs.

• Dolly Parton once lost a Dolly Parton Look-a-Like Contest.

• In the early 1940s, Heinz produced a version of Alphabetti Spaghetti especially for the German market that consisted only of little pasta swastikas.

• Montpelier, Vermont is the only U.S. state capitol without a McDonald's.

• The wingspan of a Boeing 747 jet is longer than the Wright Brothers' first flight.

• Sylvia Miles had the shortest performance ever nominated for an Oscar with "Midnight Cowboy." Her entire role lasted only six minutes.

(from indybay.org)

Police in Germany are hunting pranksters who have been sticking
miniature flag portraits of US President George W. Bush into piles of
dog poo in public parks. Josef Oettl, parks administrator for Bayreuth,
said: "This has been going on for about a year now, and there must be
2,000 to 3,000 piles of excrement that have been claimed during that
time."



Special thanks to Cookie for bringing this to my attention.

Zing!

Some guy at work tonight told me that NASCAR stands for "Non-Athletic Sport Created Around Rednecks." I gave that man a high five.

Batman Begins Review

What does it take to rehabilitate a film franchise involving the greatest superhero icon in history that's been in a coma for eight years? An indie director and a $120 million budget of course! Finally, Warner Bros. makes a galant effort to wipe our memories clean of nipple-laden body armor, glow stick slingin' street thugs, and the blasphemous 30-second decimation of Bane (he broke Batman's back in the comics, people!) Never have I seen or read anything that has given so much insight into what drives Bruce Wayne to become a crime-fighting creature of the night. It's refreshing to see a big time action movie that doesn't shy away from character development. The characters drive the action, not the other way around. I was pleasantly surprised to see how well the all-star cast filled their roles. Particularly Michael Cane as Alfred, who when announced for the part was met with a fair amount of speculation from yours truly. I think what pleased me the most about Begins was its portrayal of Jim Gordon, played by the always fantastic Gary Oldman. Gordon is my favorite character in the comics and they really succeeded in translating his partnership with Batman to the screen. In a nutshell, Gordon knows he needs Batman and the feeling is mutual. They even made me enjoy that ridiculously designed Batmobile we've all seen in the previews. The movie isn't perfect of course, but most of the criticizms I have are quite minor and aren't even worth mentioning here. I guess my biggest 'complaint' is that the villians aren't really given much time to develop- they are pushed through the narrative at a fairly brisk pace. I can't come down too hard on this though, since the reason they were underexposed was simply to spend more time developing the big man in black. Which is kind of interesting when you compare Begins to the first two Tim Burton incarnations. In many ways, The Joker, Penguin and Catwoman were given as much, if not more screen time than Batman. Burton even said himself that it was simply more fun to focus on the wacky villains. In the end though, Batman Begins just may be the soundest superhero movie ever made. I'm strongly recommending it for anyone who is a fan of Batman, of superheroes in general, or someone who simply likes an action flick that actually tells a story in between the fight scenes. Chris Nolan treats the comic series with a great deal of respect and it's obvious that a lot of effort was put into making the twisted city of Gotham seem completely believable. I can't wait to see where they take the sequels.

Torrey's Opinion:
5- Strongly Recommended
4- Recommended
3- A Mixed Bag
2- Sub-par
1- Don't Bother

Random Related Fact: Before shooting began, Christopher Nolan invited the entire film crew to a private screening of Blade Runner. After the film he said to them, "This is how we're going to make Batman."

You can't argue simple mathematics people...

Mr. & Mrs. Smith Review

Summer is the perfect time for fun, no-brainer popcorn flicks, which is exactly what Mr. & Mrs. Smith is. Brad and Angelina work perfectly together in a fun, over-the-top action extravaganza helmed by Doug Liman, a very capable director who gave us Swingers, Go and The Bourne Identity. All the tabloid nonsense aside, what it all comes down to is the fact that the film's stars make this movie work. The script is decent but ultimately Brad and Angelina's on-screen chemistry elevates the film to greater things. There are many moments where the actors add their own special touches to a line that really makes the delivery that much more effective. It's nice to actually see skilled performances from highly publicized headliners. Too often are the big names attached to blockbuster films just that- big names and not a lot else. Another reason the film comes across as a crowd pleaser is because the tone and humor is kept very consistent throughout. I read and article with Doug Liman where he talked about how he was constantly walking a tightrope while directing Smith. If the quarreling between Brad and Angelina's characters was too soft, it could come across as hokey and end up being less effective. But if they were too harsh with it, some might view it as borderline spousal abuse. The end result is a great mix of comedy and action that holds up start to finish. If I wanted to nitpick I could find flaws in the film...the villians are never very clearly identified...we could have been given more insight into the couple's relationship...the pacing stutters now and then due to cramming so much material into a two hour block. But in the end who really cares? I know I don't. Mr. & Mrs. Smith isn't out to win any awards, it just tries to be an entertaining romp filled with glitzy action scenes and witty dialogue- and it succeeds. I think we need that sort of movie now and then.

Torrey's Opinion:
5- Strongly Recommended
4- Recommended
3- A Mixed Bag
2- Sub-par
1- Don't Bother

Random Related Fact: Director Doug Liman is probably becoming less and less a fan of Steven Soderbergh. In the middle of shooting Smith, Brad Pitt had to pull out for a three-month period to film Soderbergh's Ocean's 12. Matt Damon also had to leave partway through The Bourne Identity to work on Ocean's 11.

Atonishing Facts From Around The Globe #3

• In 1985, the most popular waist size for men's pants sold in the United States was 32. In 2005, it's 36.

• The New Yorker magazine now has more subscribers in California than New York.

• The Nike swoosh was designed by a Portland State University student, and purchased by Nike for $35.

• Consumer surveys show that gas prices would have to hit $3.75 per gallon before there will be any real impact on SUV sales.

• 72% of Americans sign their pets' names on greeting cards they send out.

• The average child recognizes over 200 company logos by the time he/she enters first grade.

• The only state with a one syllable name is Maine.

On this hot and humid Friday afternoon, let's keep our spirits up with some Episode III humor at George Lucas' expense.

Brand Loyalty

by Shana Krochmal

The American Family Association hates you.

But don't worry, you're in good company. They also hate Mickey Mouse, Paris Hilton and -- as of May 30 -- the Ford Motor Company. I always feel a little warm and fuzzy when I wake up to the news that yet another set of unlikely allies have been brought together by little more than some crackpot's belief that people like me deserve no rights. And people say that marriage equality will destroy society! I think we've done everything short of buying the world a Coke.

Last I checked, no one was boycotting Coke for not hating gays -- just Ford, which includes everything from the utilitarian Ford Taurus to the perky, topless Mazda Miata to the classic Aston Martin, aka the Bondmobile. According to the cultural diktats over at the American Family Association, Ford committed the unforgivable sin of giving grants to gay groups, having inclusive hiring and benefits policies and (my personal favorite) "forcing managers to attend diversity training on how to promote the acceptance of homosexuality." I'd hate to hear about how Ford probably forced employees to attend trainings on how not to sexually harass each other, too. Bastards!

This boycott comes just after the AFA -- the bully pulpit for preachers of hate Don and Tim Wildmon -- finally gave up the ghost of their nine-year ban on Disney. Because apparently they managed to successfully strip that company of all its pink fringes. But the AFA knows what some on the left have yet to fully parse: Boycotting a major company because you don't all want to beat up the same kid at recess is less likely to hurt the bottom line than it is to garner a few headlines. Not that there's anything wrong with that.

Except, of course, when the whole point is just to sustain their crusade of hate. And in this world of brand-name smackdowns, it makes sense that the next battle of our uncivil war is upon us. Instead of arguing over whether we've all become slaves to Ikea -- as Ed Norton in "Fight Club" said, we are not our fucking khakis -- the debate now comes down to who shops where. Are you a Red State Wal-Mart shopper or a Blue State Costco devotee? Amazon.com or Powells.com? Silver Ring Thing or SpongeBob SquarePants? No children's toy is safe from scrutiny, and no adult can escape the inane, humorless rhetoric.

Even when you hide out in generic chic, like the rapidly proliferating American Apparel, you're probably not safe, given their cheeky embrace of amateur porn-like adverts. So what's a socially conscious 21st century citizen to do? I'm not going to say you have to take sides, except: Take sides. They hate us. Hate us. It's not a pleasant thing to wake up to, or go to bed to, but ignoring it makes us both vulnerable and stupid.

I'm not suggesting you run right out and buy a Ford (though those new Jaguar X5s make me drool), but take a cue from the small band of Internet activists who made enough noise in a few weeks to make Microsoft do another double-take and remember they're pro-gay. Make some noise. Write a letter to your local paper. Call your neighborhood Ford dealer to thank their staff -- who are far less used to handling zaps by wingnuts than, say, Hillary Clinton's reps -- and let them know that you're gay and you appreciate them not capitulating to the ridiculous threats of bigots.

Ford HQ issued a brief statement reaffirming their shocking values of "inclusion of different people with different perspectives," regardless of sexual orientation, and thanked the rest of the auto industry for not leaving them out there on their own on this matter. They've also been busy giving interviews in which no amount of prodding can get them to back away from their pro-gay support -- all very encouraging. AFA "suspended" the Ford boycott within a week, seeming cowed by public outrage and placated by nervous dealership owners, who basically said that some of their staff does, in fact, hate gays too, so why should they be punished? Ford reps said they would "welcome a dialogue" with AFA.

For my money, the gold standard in major corporate resistance to hatred was set by Kraft Foods Inc., a Gay Games sponsor -- and thus a predictable right-wing target -- in an e-mail to employees posted to the political blog DailyKos: "While Kraft certainly doesn't go looking for controversy, we have long been dedicated to support the concept and the reality of diversity ? We respect diversity of ethnicity, gender, experience, background, personal style and yes, sexual orientation and gender identity."

Wow. Inclusion and a touch of sarcasm. I think I'm in love. And they even protect my personal style, whatever that is. The real kicker for me, though, is how the e-mail ends, because some days I need to be reminded, just like everyone else, that there are people who don't hate us, who understand that these business-page bitchslaps are in fact part of a much larger, much longer-lasting cultural war. Concluded Kraft executive vice president (and my new boyfriend) Marc Firestone: "It's easy to say you support a concept or a principle when nobody objects. The real test of commitment is how one reacts when there are those who disagree."

In a time when our elected officials are far too often ready and willing to capitulate to the wackos who funded their campaigns, the steadfast support of all-American emblems such as Kraft and Ford in the face of an all-out PR attack is a serious coup for our team -- and a sign of the desperate measures to which those blinded by hate must stoop.

So who gives a damn if the AFA hates us? We must be doing something right.

Blogger's Note: I think my Focus deserves a trip through the car wash today.

And on a related topic...

The Top 10 Gay Cars Of 2005

Chevrolet Cobalt (Best Cheap Date Of A Car)
Mazda 6 (Best "Family" Car)
Toyota Tacoma (Best Queen-sized Bed)
Ford Mustang GT Convertible (Best Blow-dry-your-hair-while-you-drive Car)
Mercedes-Benz CLS500 (Best Car For Queers With Cash)
Mercedes-Benz C230 Sport Sedan (Best Car For Climbing The Corporate Ladder)
Porche 911 (Best Thrill Ride)
Honda Accord Hybrid (Best Green Machine)
Jeep Grand Cherokee (Best SUV)
Mercedes-Benz M-Class (Best Lux-U-V)

If anyone wants to take a crack at explaining what's going on in this picture, be my guest.

Cinderella Man Review

Russell Crowe is one of those actors who just can't seem to stay out of the news. From his cavorting around with Meg Ryan to his short temper with the paparazzi, the guy manages to consistently be in the middle of something- even when he prefers to keep a low profile. Luckily and more importantly for us, he's also a fantastic actor. He's one of a handful of Hollywood headliners that I can say I really see as the character he/she is portraying, not as just the actor *cough* Tom Cruise *cough*. Crowe put on great performances in L.A. Confidential, Gladiator, A Beautiful Mind, Master and Commander and now Cinderella Man. It would seem the secret of his success is to simply make a movie that is set in the past. Proof of Life (the present) and Virtuosity (the future) both pretty much bombed. Cinderella Man is one of those movies that is everything it sets out to be. That's actually pretty typical of a Ron Howard movie- he doesn't aim for anything revolutionary or particularly mind-blowing...the guy just knows how to develop characters and tell their stories very well. Playing husband and wife, Russell is terrific as usual and Rene Zellweger comes through yet again with a solid performance. For me, the real shining star of the film was Paul Giamatti, who fits his character like a glove and really gives the film a perfect amount of energy as a motormouth boxing promoter. I was also impressed with Howard's attention to detail in recreating New York City during The Great Depression. Part of what gives Cinderella its emotional steam is how effectively it portrays the hardships of people during this time and how desperate they were to have something positive to get behind. You'd have to have a heart of stone to not garner some measure of joy from this film. In the tradition of Apollo 13 and A Beautiful Mind, Howard gives yet another glowing tribute to a hero with a story worth telling.

Torrey's Opinion:
5- Strongly Recommended
4- Recommended
3- A Mixed Bag
2- Sub-par
1- Don't Bother

Random Related Fact: Russell Crowe dislocated his shoulder while training for the film's boxing sequences, which delayed the film for two months.

Weird Factoids

• Jimmy Carter was the first U.S. president to have been born in a hospital.

• In every episode of Seinfeld there is a Superman somewhere.

• A duck's quack doesn't echo.

• The longest word that can be spelled without repeating a letter is 'uncopyrightable.'

• Nutmeg is extremely poisonous if injected intravenously.

• When turned upside-down, Heinz ketchup leaves the bottle at a rate of 25 miles per year.

• The elephant is the only mammal that can't jump.

• A cat's urine glows under a blacklight.

• Every 100g of Corn Flakes has 1 mg of fecal matter.

• All polar bears are left-handed.

• Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.

Humorous ads from across the pond:

Astonishing Facts From Around The Globe #2

• Mel Gibson personally earned almost $400 million from his movie "The Passion of the Christ".

• A chef's hat is shaped the way it is for a reason: its shape allows air to circulate around the scalp, keeping the head cool in a hot kitchen.

• The day after President George W. Bush was reelected, Canada's main immigration website had 115,000 visitors. Before Bush's re-election, this site averaged about 20,000 visitors each day.

• 90% of Canada's 31,000,000 citizens live within 100 miles of the U.S. border.

• Even today, 90% of the continental United States is still open space, forests or farmland.

• Each year, more people are killed by teddy bears than by grizzly bears.