Razzle Dazzle 'Em

It's that time of year when the Razzie nominations come out. Here are the categories:

Worst Picture
Deuce Bigalow: European Gigolo
Dirty Love
Dukes Of Hazzard
House Of Wax
Son Of The Max

Worst Sequel/Remake
Bewitched
Deuce Bigalow: European Gigolo
Dukes of Hazzard
House Of Wax
Son Of The Mask

Worst Actor
Tom Cruise (War Of The Worlds)
Will Ferrell (Bewitched/Kicking & Screaming)
Jamie Kennedy (Son Of The Mask)
The Rock (Doom)
Rob Schneider (Deuce Bigalow: European Gigolo)

Worst Actress
Jessica Alba (Fantastic 4/Into The Blue)
Hilary Duff (Cheaper By The Dozen 2)
Jennifer Lopez (Monster-in-Law)
Jenny McCarthy (Dirty Love)
Tara Reid (Alone In The Dark)

Worst Supporting Actor
Hayden Christensen (Star Wars Ep. III)
Alan Cumming (Son Of The Mask)
Bob Hoskins (Son Of The Mask)
Eugene Levy (Cheaper By The Dozen 2/The Man)
Burt Reynolds (The Longest Yard/Dukes Of Hazzard)

Worst Supporting Actress
Carmen Electra (Dirty Love)
Paris Hilton (House Of Wax)
Katie Holmes (Batman Begins)
Ashlee Simpson (Undiscovered)
Jessica Simpson (Dukes Of Hazzard)

Feel free to share your votes here if you feel so inclined.

If You Spell Chuck Norris In Scrabble, You Win. Forever.

In honor of Cookie, I present the Top 10 Chuck Norris Facts according to some website I stumbled upon that seemed to be an authority on the subject.

1. Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried. Ever.
2. Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
3. Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.
4. The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.
5. If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris, you may be only seconds away from death.
6. Chuck Norris has counted to infinity. Twice.
7. Chuck Norris' blood type is AK+. Ass-Kicking Positive. It is compatible only with heavy construction equipment, tanks, and fighter jets.
8. Chuck Norris is 1/8th Cherokee. This has nothing to do with ancestry, the man ate a fucking Indian.
9. In fine print on the last page of the Guinness Book of World Records it notes that all world records are held by Chuck Norris, and those listed in the book are simply the closest anyone else has ever gotten.
10. There is no chin behind Chuck Norris' beard. There is only another fist.

And some of my personal favorites:

• Crop circles are Chuck Norris' way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie the fuck down.
• Most people have 23 pairs of chromosomes. Chuck Norris has 72... and they're all poisonous.
• Chuck Norris can win a game of Connect Four in only three moves.
• Chuck Norris has two speeds: Walk and Kill.
• Chuck Norris doesn't shower, he only takes blood baths.
• On his birthday, Chuck Norris randomly selects one lucky child to be thrown into the sun.
• Chuck Norris invented black. In fact, he invented the entire spectrum of visible light. Except pink. Tom Cruise invented pink.
• It takes Chuck Norris 20 minutes to watch 60 Minutes.
• It takes 14 puppeteers to make Chuck Norris smile, but only 2 to make him destroy an orphanage.
• James Cameron originally wanted Chuck Norris to play The Terminator. Upon reflection, however, James realized he would then be filming a documentary.
• Chuck Norris keeps his friends close and his enemies closer. Close enough to drop them with one roundhouse kick to the face.
• When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he isn't lifting himself up, he's pushing the Earth down.
• There is in fact an “I” in Norris, but there is no “team”… not even close.

And one that Cookie sent to me via text message today while I was at work:
Chuck Norris takes a baseball bat into the can in case he craps out a wildcat and has to beat it to death.

Proper Credentials

Things You Must Believe In To Be A Republican Today:

• Jesus loves you, and shares your hatred of homosexuals and Hillary Clinton.
• Saddam was a good guy when Reagan armed him, a bad guy when Bush's daddy made war on him, a good guy when Cheney did business with him and a bad guy when Bush needed a "we can't find Bin Laden" diversion.
• Trade with Cuba is wrong because the country is Communist, but trade with China and Vietnam is vital to a spirit of international harmony.
• The United States should get out of the United Nations, and our highest national priority is enforcing U.N. resolutions against Iraq.
• A woman can't be trusted with decisions about her own body, but multi-national corporations can make decisions affecting all mankind without regulation.
• The best way to improve military morale is to praise the troops in speeches while slashing veterans' benefits and combat pay.
• If condoms are kept out of schools, adolescents won't have sex. (if you had to find one line that summed up the Republican way of thinking, this would be it. -Torrey)
• A good way to fight terrorism is to belittle our long-time allies, then demand their cooperation and money.
• Providing health care to all Iraqis is sound policy. Providing health care to all Americans is socialism.
• Global warming and tobacco's link to cancer are junk science, but creationism should be taught in schools.
• A president lying about an extramarital affair is an impeachable offense.
• A president lying to enlist support for a war in which thousands die is solid defense policy.
• Government should limit itself to the powers named in the Constitution, which include banning gay marriages and censoring the Internet.
• The public has a right to know about Hillary's cattle trades, but George Bush's driving record is none of our business.
• Being a drug addict is a moral failing and a crime, unless you're a conservative radio host. Then it's an illness and you need our prayers for your recovery.
• You support states' rights, which means Attorney General John Ashcroft can tell states what local voter initiatives they have the right to adopt.
• What Bill Clinton did in the 1960s is of vital national interest, but what Bush did in the '80s is irrelevant.

Jack Thompson: Major League A-Hole

(from shoutwire)

You may have seen the story a few days ago about the depressed gamer who announced his suicide to the world on an forum at metalgearsolid.org. Following this tragic news several sites, including the original metalgearsolid.org, have reported that famous anti-games campaigner Jack Thompson has sent a letter to the owners of metalgearsolid.org, being less than sympathetic to the situation. The letter reads;

Your "gamer friend" will find peace through the Lord, Jesus Christ, but sadly it's too late for that.

There is a void in every heart. You can fill it up with the things of God, or the things not of God. This unfortunate soul chose to fill it up with combat games. The playing of these video games is masturbatory activity, meaning senseless self-stimulation. If you gamers could use a dictionary you would know that that term is not necessarily a sexual one.

The real tragedy here extends beyond the life and death of this one fellow. There are literally millions of young people and young adults whose despair is deepend by turning to the things of this world and then finding them meaningless.

All of you gamers need to put down the controllers and get a life. The utter inanity of the vast majority of postings here shows how vapid "gaming" really is.

You are one of the cheerleaders for this wasting of time and the wasting of lives. Do you feel any remorse for having contributed to this "culture of death?" Of course not. Hey, let's all play MORE games, and ignore all the really productive things to do with our lives.

Let's pretend to be shocked that a gamer might descend into deeper depression, as his gamer "buds," knowing he was killing himself, couldn't figure out how to call 911 themselves for him. That would have involved leaving their computers I guess.

Sad. Sad for all of you."

Blogger's Note: So playing video games is a big waste of time? Sorta like praying to god, right?

Yes, He Has Access To Nuclear Weapons

Our dimwitted commander in chief gives the world yet another reason to laugh at us:

Bush vs. Door

(thanks to Brent for the link)

A Pleasant Surprise

So Tony and I watched that movie Sky High tonight and I have to share with you all that I was genuinely shocked at how good it was. I was expecting a big-budget Disney Channel lame-fest but it turns out this flick is actually quite brilliant. The best way I can think to describe is Saved By The Bell with super heroes. Only more current, no Screech and the jokes are better. They very intentionally use all the typical high school cliches but mix in over-the-top super power shenanigans. The results are highly entertaining, especially due to the fact that the themes never gets too schmaltzy. After seeing the trailer last year I had written it off as another nail in Kurt Russell's career coffin but even he was great in it. Do yourself a favor and check it out if you're ever in the market for a fun flick.

But you don't have to take MY word for it (wink to LeVar Burton), Joss Whedon called Sky High his favorite film of 2005.

Serenity Reflection

My buddy Schnepf just summed up Joss Whedon's Serenity very nicely tonight and I felt like sharing it here...

Fettis 9: Joss said Mal was a direct answer to Lucas changing the fact that Han Solo shot first in Star Wars
deviledHam79: haha
deviledHam79: yup
Fettis 9: as he has Mal kill 3 unarmed people in the film
deviledHam79: I consider Serenity to be a big fuck you to Lucas
Fettis 9: as do I
deviledHam79: he made a far superior film on about a quarter the budget
Fettis 9: yep
Fettis 9: its because he makes movies about people
Fettis 9: not movies about effects that happen to have people in them

The Snow Shovel List

On a slow duty night at USM a number of years ago I decided to draft up a "Snow Shovel List" which contained various celebrities who, if given the opportunity, I would smack in the face with a snow shovel. I will now share with you this list.

• Margaret Cho
• Carrot Top
• Sandra Bernhard (although it looks like someone beat me to it)
• Julia Stiles
• Carson Daly
• Bono
• Kevin Smith
• Dave Matthews
• Ben Affleck
• Molly Shannon
• Camryn Manheim
• John Mayer
• Any Real World cast member, past or present
• Dharma & Greg
• Ashlee Simpson

Feel free to share those who would make your personal Snow Shovel List.

One More Thing...

Okay, one last post before I take off because I got such a hearty chuckle out of it. An excerpt from a conversation I had with Cookie while I was packing:

jugglinggeese: my ipod is here and its shiny!
deviledHam79: lol
jugglinggeese: soooooo pretty
deviledHam79: did you get the white or black?
jugglinggeese: black
deviledHam79: good call, the white ones get smudgy after awhile
jugglinggeese: yeah, its just classier
jugglinggeese: to have the black
jugglinggeese: like a tux
jugglinggeese: plus, i still want to use my ipod after labor day

How Would Horatio Alger Handle This Situation?

For the half dozen of you that frequent my little blog, I will be on vacation in Las Vegas until the 13th so the site won't be updated during my absence. I know you're wondering what you'll do with your online time during that week but I'm sure you'll manage.

Peace Out, Y'allz

Do It For The Bluthes

If you enjoy the brilliant and hilarious Arrested Development, sign this petition to have it kept on the air:

Save AD

2005 Movie Roundup

My five favorite films of 2005 (in no particular order):

• Sin City
• King Kong
• Serenity
• Walk The Line
• Batman Begins
  

"Better Than Expected" Award:
Mr. & Mrs. Smith

"At Least It's Out Of His System" Award:
Episode III

"Plot Holes" Award:
War Of The Worlds

"Best Movie No One Saw" Award:
Serenity

"Best Use Of An Old Artform" Award:
Corpse Bride

"Good Movie, Bad Title" Award:
The Constant Gardener

"Best Movie Based On A Book I've Never Read" Award:
Harry Potter And The Goblet Of Fire

"Best Viewed While Intoxicated" Award:
The Transporter 2

"No One Liked This Movie But Me" Award:
Flightplan

A Car Ad Worth Watching

Some folks spent three months making an ad for the Honda Accord that features a Pee-Wee's Big Adventure-like chain of events using almost every part that can be found on the car. This really is quite astounding.

Way Cool Honda Accord Ad

Are The Gin Blossoms Still Together?

Random question time:

If you could choose any singer/band to perform at your next birthday party, who would it be?

Intelligence Declines

Gaudy Or Festive: Round 5

Some Words From The Good Doctor

Just because I feel like it, I'm posting some great quotes I found today from the late Hunter S. Thompson.

"He could shake your hand and stab you in the back at the same time." –on Richard Nixon

"Bush is a natural-born loser with a filthy-rich daddy who pimped his son out to rich oil-mongers. He hates music, football and sex, in no particular order, and he is no fun at all."

"I have a theory that the truth is never told during the nine-to-five hours."

"All we have to do is get out and vote, while it's still legal, and we will wash those crooked warmongers out of the White House."

“I hate to advocate drugs, alcohol, violence, or insanity to anyone, but they've always worked for me.”

“The Edge... there is no honest way to explain it because the only people who really know where it is are the ones who have gone over.”

"Who are these Swine? These flag-sucking half-wits who get fleeced and fooled by stupid little rich kids like George Bush? ..... They speak for all that is cruel and stupid and viscious in the American character.... I piss down the throats of these Nazis. And I am too old to worry about whether they like it or not. Fuck Them."

”Call on God, but row away from the rocks.”

King Kong Review

HIGHS

• It's not often that a movie comes along that trascends being just a 'movie' and actually becomes an event because of its enormity and weight. Kong is everything an adventure film should be and then some. Peter Jackson did an amazing job of weaving a flowing narrative along with non-stop action that slaps George Lucas down like the bitch that he is.
• A lot of critics will throw around the word "breathtaking" to describe a film but Kong actually has action scenes that do just that. From the dinosaur stampede to the chase through New York, the entire experience is like a runaway freight train. In this type of movie, if you can get the audience to gasp rather than groan you've done something right.
• Per usual, Jackson assembled a fine cast for this one. And as expected, Mr. Jack Black came through with flying colors as the smarmy Carl Denham.
• This version of Kong did a much better job of presenting the relationship that developed between Ann Darrow and the big ape. My impression from the 1933 Kong was that Darrow was simply terrified the entire time. In this new film we see them share moments together where they make actual emotional connections. The part were Darrow performs vaudeville acts for Kong was brilliant.
• I'm pretty sure this is one of the best film's I've seen in my lifetime.
  

LOWS

• That scene in the insect pit will no doubt terrify young children. Most unsettling it was.

Torrey's Opinion:
5- Strongly Recommended
4- Recommended
3- A Mixed Bag
2- Sub-par
1- Don't Bother

Random related fact: On April Fools Day 2005, Peter Jackson created an elaborate practical joke, which he posted on a web diary at kongisking.net. He "revealed" that they were already starting production on King Kong: Son of Kong and King Kong: Into the Wolf's Lair. Both films, supposedly to be released in 2006, contained the principal characters riding the Son of Kong, strapping machine guns to his back and fighting Hitler's genetically mutated creatures. The films were going to be produced under the banner of "Big Primate Productions".

Stretch Armstrong Sheds A Single Tear

Forbes' Most Popular Toys Of The Past 100 Years

1900 - 1909: Crayola Crayons
1910 - 1919: Raggedy Ann Dolls
1920 - 1929: Madame Alexander Collectible Dolls
1930 - 1939: View-Master 3D Viewere
1940 - 1949: Candy Land
1950 - 1959: Mr. Potato Head
1960 - 1969: G.I. Joe
1970 - 1979: Rubik's Cube
1980 - 1989: Cabbage Patch Kids
1990 - 1999: Beanie Babies
2000 - present: Razor Scooter

Chris Brewer Presents:

Three Things You Probably Didn't Know About Back To The Future

1) The mall where Marty McFly meets Doc Brown for their time travel experiment is called "Twin Pines Mall". Doc Brown comments that old farmer Peabody used to own all of the land, and he grew pines there. When Marty goes back in time, he runs over and knocks down a pine tree on the Peabody's property. When he comes back to the mall at the end of the film, the sign at the mall identifies the mall as "Lone Pine Mall".

2) When Lorraine follows Marty back to Doc's house, she and Doc exchange an awkward greeting. This marks the only on-screen dialogue that Christopher Lloyd and Lea Thompson ever have, though they have appeared together in five movies and one TV movie.

3) In the French version, when Marty wakes up in 1955 in his young mother's bed, she calls him "Pierre Cardin" instead of "Calvin Klein". In the Italian version, she calls him "Levi Strauss".

Gaudy or Festive: Round 4

Let's see if we can have an incident-free round this time.

Like The Old Guy At The End Of Home Alone

I text messaged my buddy Chris this question the other day and now I'm curious to hear other people's responses...

If given the opportunity to hit any living celebrity in the face with a show shovel, who would you choose?

Torrey's Irrefutable Truths For The Week Of 12/11

A Bookstore Parking Lot Will Always Be Filled With Cars Sporting Liberal Bumper Stickers And Anti-"W" Logos
Why? Because liberals are fair-minded people who are open to interpretations beyond their own and who actually make an effort to educate themselves as to how the world works. The contrary to this would be conservatives who are close-minded people who only concern themselves with their own interpretations of things and who make no effort to educate themselves beyond the "What's Hot" book rack at Sam's Club.

The Name "Bo Bice" Is Very Unpleasant To Say
I don't know who this guy is, I don't know what kind of music he sings, I just know that his name is very displeasing to me.

Bringing Your Pet To The Mall To Have Its Picture Taken With Santa Is A Very Stupid Thing To Do
I'm not against the mall santa. I think it's cool if kids believe he's "the one" and want to talk to him and all that. That's harmless and cute and whatever. But not your pets, people. Your dog doesn't know who Santa is!! It is completely meaningless. Don't make these kids wait in line longer so your friggin terrier in a turtleneck can have its photo op.

People Shouldn't Forget About Parcheesi
I'm here to remind you that Parcheesi, the classic game of India, is a fun time for all. If you haven't played it since you were a kid, or maybe you've never played it at all, the time is now! You can typically find it for under $15 anywhere board games are sold. Parcheesi is good with two people but becomes increasingly enjoyable when three or four are involved. And the game is casual enough that conversations can still be held while playing. The only downside is that the fourth player has to be the water buffalo...and no one wants to be the water buffalo, especially, that's right, the water buffalo.

Harry Potter And The Goblet of Fire Review

HIGHS

• The films are continuing to mature nicely along with the characters. Alfonso Cuaron really jumpstarted this with Azkaban and now Mike Newell is continuing the trend with Goblet.
• Great special effects that are essential to telling the story but don't try to over-impress. The dragon and black lake sequences were particularly well-done. On a somewhat related side note, I'm always impressed with the costume designers they get to work on these films.
• I like that these stories aren't afraid to put the kids in real peril. The tournament events are pretty intense and it comes across that Voldemort is a very credible threat. Were I in my early teens when movies like this were being made I would have been thrilled.
  
• I can't think of a better actor to play Voldemort than Ralph Fiennes. I mean, the guy looks like a snake without prosthetics.
  

LOWS

• While Goblet had more action and some nice moments between characters, Azkaban was more skillfully directed. Newell certainly does a decent job but the film jumps around a bit and feels more like a lot of indivudual scenes clumped together than a flowing narrative. In no way was I left feeling that an entire year had passed at the end of the film. Goblet is still worlds better than Chris Columbus' offerings, however.
• Inevitably, if you haven't read the books you're left needing your friends to eleborate on certain parts in the lobby afterwards while rabid passersby berate you for not having the neccessary knowledge prior to seeing the film. It's called being an individual, not a sheep, lady! The movies are as far as my interests go, I'm sorry. Now go home, feed your cats and polish your pewter Hufflepuff thimble set. (Sorry, got off on a bit of a tangent there. And I know what many of you are thinking... the Gryffindor thimbles make a nicer set.)
  
• Moaning Myrtle returns.
  

Torrey's Opinion:
5- Strongly Recommended
4- Recommended
3- A Mixed Bag
2- Sub-par
1- Don't Bother

Random related fact: The studio originally had the idea of adapting the 734 page book into two seperate films that would be released several months apart, much like what was done with Kill Bill. Alfonso Cuaron, the director of Azkaban, helped convince Mike Newell that enough of the book's bulky sub-plots could be cut to make one workable film.

Also, it might interest my buddy Schnepf that Jonny Greenwood and Phil Selway from Radiohead were both members of the band that performed at the Yule Ball.

The Tire Swing Project

Bryan, I'm not sure if you ever stop playing World of Warcraft long enough to visit my blog, but this post is for you.

Computer Predictions From The Past

(from pannikos.com)

Before many of us were born, the thought of owning a personal computer was inconceivable. With time, as computers were made more compact thanks to evolving technologies, this inconceivable thought became reality.We will now take a look back on these not so distant times and read what people had to say about the future of computers and see how wrong they were about their predicitions.

"I think there is a world market for maybe five computers."
Thomas Watson, Chairman of IBM, 1943

"While a calculator on the ENIAC is equipped with 10000 vacuum tubes and weighs 30 tons, computers of the future may have only 1000 vacuum tubes and weigh only 1.5 tons."
Popular mechanics, 1949

"I have travelled the length and breadth of this country and talked with the best people, and I can assure you that data processing is a fad that won't last out the year."
Editor in charge of business books for Prentice Hall, 1957

'But what... is it good for?"
Engineer at the Advanced Computing Systems division of IBM, commenting on the microchip, 1968

"There is no reason why anyone would want a computer in the home."
Ken Olson, Present, Chairman and founder of Digital Equipment Corporation, 1977

"640K should be enough for anybody."
Bill Gates, 1981

Walk The Line Review

HIGHS

• I've always had something of a fascination with Johnny Cash but I've never known a great deal about his life. This film helped to quench my curiousity.
• Fantastic performances by Joaquin Phoenix as Cash and Reese Witherspoon as June Carter. Especially Pheonix; he goes far beyond simple mimicry and succeeds in a completely believable transformation into "The Man in Black."
• Great interweaving of story and music done by T-Bone Burnett (O Brother, Where Art Thou?). Both fans of Cash and newcomers alike should be pleased with the selections.
• If Jamie Foxx was deserving of an Oscar for Ray, then Joaquin Phoenix deserves two for Walk the Line. Unlike Foxx, he actually performed all of the music numbers in the film and learned to play the guitar from scratch.
• For people who aren't familiar with Johnny Cash's legacy, this film could entice them to seek out his prodigious body of work. I know it certainly prompted me to look up some choice tunes I hadn't listened to in awhile.
• Will make you forget all about that terrible, terrible The Village. If you hadn't already. If you had I'm sorry to bring it back up again.

LOWS

• The film could have done a better job with pacing, but when you're making a biopic there's only so many liberties that can be taken while still keeping true to actual events. You can't just start re-writing the man's history.
• I would have liked to have seen more attention paid to the effects Cash's music had on a nation-wide audience. We really don't get a good sense of just how popular his songs were becoming with people who didn't reside in penitentiaries.
• My friend Chris tells me that Johnny Cash actually hand-picked Joaquin Phoenix to play him in Walk the Line. It's a shame he couldn't see the finished product before he passed away.
• It's almost creepy at times how much Phoenix looks and sounds like Cash at various points throughout the film. I guess that's not so much a "low" as it is a "holy cow, that's almost creepy."

Torrey's Opinion:
5- Strongly Recommended
4- Recommended
3- A Mixed Bag
2- Sub-par
1- Don't Bother

Random related fact: Reese Witherspoon and Joaquin Phoenix both went through six months of vocal training with music producer T-Bone Burnett.

Why Can't I Own A Canadian?

Dr. Laura Schlessinger is a radio personality who dispenses advice to people who call in to her radio show. Recently, she said that, as an observant Orthodox Jew, homosexuality is an abomination according to Leviticus 18:22 and cannot be condoned under any circumstance. The following is an open letter to Dr. Laura penned by a east coast resident, which was posted on the Internet. It's funny, as well as informative:

Dear Dr. Laura:

Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God's Law. I have learned a great deal from your show, and try to share that knowledge with as many people as I can. When someone tries to defend the homosexual lifestyle, for example, I simply remind them that Leviticus 18:22 clearly states it to be an abomination. End of debate. I do need some advice from you, however, regarding some of the other specific laws and how to follow them:

When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a pleasing odor for the Lord - Lev.1:9. The problem is my neighbors. They claim the odor is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them?

I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in Exodus 21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for her?

I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her period of menstrual uncleanliness - Lev.15:19- 24. The problem is, how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offense.

Lev. 25:44 states that I may indeed possess slaves, both male and female, provided they are purchased from neighboring nations. A friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not Canadians. Can you clarify? Why can't I own Canadians?

I have a neighbor who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2 clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself?

A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an abomination - Lev. 11:10, it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality. I don't agree. Can you settle this?

Lev. 21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle room here?

Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by Lev. 19:27. How should they die?

I know from Lev. 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves?

My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev. 19:19 by planting two different crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing garments made of two different kinds of thread (cotton/polyester blend). He also tends to curse and blaspheme a lot. Is it really necessary that we go to all the trouble of getting the whole town together to stone them? - Lev.24:10-16. Couldn't we just burn them to death at a private family affair like we do with people who sleep with their in-laws? (Lev. 20:14)

I know you have studied these things extensively, so I am confident you can help. Thank you again for reminding us that God's word is eternal and unchanging.

Your devoted fan,
Jim

Gaudy Or Festive: Round 3

Let the voting begin!

Hey JC, Take A Hike

We all get so wrapped up in the holidays this time of year; here are some random day-long celebrations that are happening from now through the end of December that can serve as simple little diversions and have nothing to do with Jesus, dreidels or anything else along those lines.

December 5 is... Bathtub Party Day
December 6 is... National Gazpacho Day
December 7 is... Letter Writing Day
December 8 is... National Brownie Day
December 9 is... International Shareware Day
December 10 is... Human Rights Day
December 11 is... National Noodle Ring Day (some of these are open to interpretation)
December 12 is... Gingerbread House Day
December 13 is... Violins Day
December 14 is... National Bouillabaisse Day
December 15 is... Day of the Underdog
December 16 is... National Chocolate Covered Anything Day
December 17 is... National Maple Syrup Day
December 18 is... Bake Cookies Day
December 19 is... Oatmeal Muffin Day
December 20 is... Sacagawea Day
December 21 is... Look at the Bright Side Day
December 22 is... Abilities Day
December 23 is... Roots Day
December 24 is... National Dairy Beverage Day
December 25 is... National Pumpkin Pie Day
December 26 is... National Whiners Day
December 27 is... Make Cut-Out Snowflakes Day
December 28 is... Card Playing Day
December 29 is... No Interruptions Day (this one's a challenge)
December 30 is... Festival of Putting Things Off to the Last Minute
December 31 is... Make Up Your Mind Day

Scene Caps II

In case you don't remember the rules:

There are five scenes below from various films. The first person to identify all five correctly is the winner. The answers will be given once people have had a sufficient amount of time to post their guesses. Begin!

Can I Still Call Someone An Indian-Giver?

Here is a recent listing of politically correct words and phrases to come about this year according to the Global Language Monitor. Please make a note of it.

• "thought shower" replaces "brainstorming" so as not to offend people with brain disorders
• "deferred success" replaces "failure" so as not to embarrass those who don't succeed
• "misguided criminal" replaces "terrorist", at least according to the British Broadcasting Corporation
• "intrinsic aptitude" is a phrase introduced by Harvard University President Lawrence Summers to explain why women might be underrepresented in engineering and science. It turns out that this phrase was met with a significant amount of "deferred success" and Summers found himself fighting to keep his job.
• "out of the mainstream" is used to describe the ideology of any political opponent
• "womyn" is to be used in place of "women" in order to distance the word from men
• C.E. (Common Era) should be used instead of A.D. (Latin for "Year Of Our Lord") so as to be more neutral in dates
• And finally, in the spirit of the season, the phrase "God Rest Ye Merry Persons" replaces "God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen" and "Seasons Greetings" officially replaces "Merry Christmas"

Blogger's Note: Hey, what's the politically correct phrase for "eat me?" I mean c'mon, I'm a liberal guy but I think that whole "womyn" business is just asinine. Are there no bigger problems in the world that need fixing?

The Best Paper Airplane In The World

Some college kids from the UK came up with a paper airplane design they are calling "The Best Paper Airplane in the World." You can find the instructions here.

Gaudy Or Festive: Round 2

Thanks to all who participated in Round 1. Here's your next exhibit...

Put A Pinch Of Sage In Your Boots And All Day Long A Spicy Scent Is Your Reward

A kindly fellow with a cookie duster moustache at AC Moore gave us a very useful tip tonight: When hanging something with a suction cup, use a drop of vegetable oil instead of saliva because the oil won't evaporate over time.

Gaudy Or Festive: Round 1

From now until Christmas I'll be posting pictures of various Christmas lighting displays. Your job is simply to state whether you think they are festive or gaudy.

So in the spirit of the season, cast your votes!

A Question For The Ladies

It's common knowledge that I don't put much effort into understanding women but I'm curious, is it customary for two ladies to discuss their periods while standing in line at a grocery store checkout?

A Handy Guide To Expiration Dates

• Beer is good for 4 months if unopened.
• Brown sugar has an indefinite shelflife as long as it's stored in a cool, dry place.
• Coffee: up to 2 years unopened; 1 month opened and refrigerated.
• Dried Pasta: 1 year.
• Frozen dinners are good for 12-18 months if unopened.
• Ketchup: 6 months after the bottle is opened.
• Maple syrup: 1 year.
• Mayonnaise: 3 months after opening.
• Salad dressing will last for 9 months if refrigerated.
• Mustard is good for 2 years even when opened.
• Peanut Butter: 2 years unopened, 6 months opened.
• Tea bags are good for 2 years.
• And finally, if it ever comes up in Trivial Pursuit, honey is the only food that never expires.

(info from Real Simple magazine)

Some People Just Take Longer To Catch On

I came across this great quote today by Robert Scheer of the Huffington Post:

"The lessons of Tuesday’s election both in the bellwether state of California and across the nation is that Lincoln was right: the American people will not forever be fooled. The negative message of the Republican right, even when fronted by a smirking action hero, has lost its power to terrorize voters."

I Love The Smell Of Justness In The Morning

In the immortal words of Darrell Hammond doing Sean Connery: "Suck it long and suck it hard." That is my message this morning to those hateful Christian Civic League bastards who tried so hard with their deceit and their misconstruing facts to turn Mainers away from what their collective consciences told them was the right thing to do. Finally, after almost 30 years, we are the last New England state to have anti-discrimination laws for gay folks like myself in the books. It's about goddam time. Why something that seems to most logical people to be a no-brainer has been so difficult to pass is beyond me. I suppose fear of change has a lot to do with it. Let's remember that we used to burn "witches" in town squares not so long ago...progress is important. So as I head off to work this morning with the knowledge that I can only be fired based on my own inadequacies like everyone else, I say thank you to everyone who helped us get to this point. The "No on 1" volunteers all deserve fabulous medals and the people who turned out at the polls yesterday to support us are pretty darn fabulous themselves. And to those who tried and failed to keep people such as myself as their inferiors, I say, "Go fuck yourselfs."

Guilt Flicks

Let's keep the interactive posts rolling. List 5 of your "guilty pleasure" movies. (films you probably shouldn't enjoy watching but you just can't help yourself.)

Mine are:
-The Rock
-Lake Placid
-The Cable Guy
-Starship Troopers
-Life as a House

Scene Caps I

I haven't done anything interactive for awhile so let's try this:

There are five scenes below from various films. The first person to identify all five correctly is the winner. The answers will be given once people have had a sufficient amount of time to post their guesses. Begin!

Torrey's Irrefutable Truths For The Week Of 11/06 (Pop Culture Edition)

The Simpsons Should Have Ended Years Ago
Have you watched an episode of The Simpsons lately? There's barely a chuckle to be made in the span of an episode. It's really quite sad to see how far the show has sunk. The days of Marge Vs. The Monorail and The PTA Disbands are long gone. These days we get entire episodes based on American Idol or Marge getting a boob job. The show started on its decline sometime after season 10 and has been snowballing into a humorless abyss ever since. It's a shame to see something that was once the yardstick for comedic satire become the annoying uncle at Thanksgiving. Just hang it up, folks. You're past the point of going out on top, but you can at least perform a mercy killing.

November Is The Ideal Month For Viewing The Nightmare Before Christmas
Because it falls between Halloween and Christmas, of course. Hey, I never said these things were always insightful truths.

Batman Has The Best Villians
Let's rattle off a few, shall we? The Joker, Mr. Freeze, The Penguin, Two-Face, The Riddler, Bane, Scarecrow...all great villains. Even the ladies are well represented in Gotham with the likes of Catwoman, Poison Ivy and Harley Quinn. Spider-man does a respectable job with folks like Green Goblin, Doc Ock and Venom, but ulimately can't compete with Batman's fiendish band. I won't even go into Superman's tide-pool of villiany. Besides Lex Luthor, who can even think of another villian from Metropolis? I guess there's some dude named Doomsday, but who really cares? I mean honestly. Supes is too busy feeling sorry for himself and keeping track of 27 different types of kryptonite.

Episodes I-III Suck
The true fans of Star Wars know that lightsabers and wookies alone do not a great film make. End of story.

Vote Smart

Just a friendly reminder to my fellow Mainers that election day is this coming Tuesday, Nov. 8th. I'm providing a link to the seven ballot questions so you can give yourself a little education before heading to the polls if you haven't already. An uninformed voter is more dangerous than the person who doesn't vote at all- remember that. Look no further than our current administration for concrete evidence of this. Also, if there's something or someone on the ballot you know nothing about, it's okay to leave that section blank. If only two of the seven questions are of importance to you, then by all means vote on those two and leave the others alone. Remember how on the SATs you'd get points taken away if you answered incorrectly but would stay the same if you left a question blank? It's kinda like that. All I'm saying is, vote smart. Ignorance has too high a price.

Denial Trumps The Force

Cookie asked that I share this conversation we had earlier regarding the Star Wars prequels...

deviledHam79: I decided today that not only am I not going to buy Ep III, but I'm going to get rid of my other prequels. I only have them for the surround sound really. It's my act of defiance
jugglinggeese: lol
deviledHam79: I don't really need 6 hours of missed potential, mis-direction and piss-poor acting
jugglinggeese: lol
jugglinggeese: right
deviledHam79: like I made the statement today at work...say there had never been star wars before 1999. If these last 3 films had come out fresh with no fan base or anything, starting out like, well like Serenity did, they would have been torn to shreds and a laughing stock of the sci-fi universe
jugglinggeese: they so would be
deviledHam79: but all these fucking basement nerds and larp fuckers want so badly to see more light sabers and darth vader that they are willing to overlook this incredible mound of shit that has been served to them on a shiny plate
jugglinggeese: lol
deviledHam79: and look at the box office of
deviledHam79: episode III vs. serenity
deviledHam79: makes me sick
deviledHam79: fuck you george lucas
deviledHam79: I hope you can tap into IM messages
jugglinggeese: hahah
jugglinggeese: ahahah
jugglinggeese: he probably can
jugglinggeese: i think he just wet his pants
deviledHam79: and you read this you bearded freak
deviledHam79: I want to fight him
deviledHam79: bad
deviledHam79: like a street fight
deviledHam79: inside a circle of cars with their headlights on
jugglinggeese: lol
deviledHam79: with chains and boards and whatnot
jugglinggeese: for killing what you loved as a kid
deviledHam79: exactly!
deviledHam79: he pissed all over my childhood
jugglinggeese: lol
jugglinggeese: that is big
deviledHam79: I honestly wish those prequels had never been made
deviledHam79: what I imagined to have happened was much better than what he showed us
deviledHam79: fucking trade route disputes
deviledHam79: trade route disputes????
deviledHam79: c'mon!
deviledHam79: the man who created darth fucking vader, the most iconic villian in all of movie history, decides to make his triumphant return after 20 years with a story built around a blockade of dry goods and space parts???
deviledHam79: and let's make it even more intriguing, let's involve a galactic senate!
deviledHam79: ooooooooooooooooo
jugglinggeese: hahaha
deviledHam79: and by all means, when you're going to spend half the movie on Tatooine, leave Obi-Wan on the ship and bring along Jar Jar.
jugglinggeese: hahaha
jugglinggeese: any why not waste all of the expensive talent you hired
deviledHam79: no shit
deviledHam79: liam neeson was in schindler's list! ewan mcgregor likes to show his penis! natalie portman became a professional hit...person in that professional movie! hayden christensen showed us all that life truly is a house! why not play up these strengths?
jugglinggeese: samuel. you forgot him.
deviledHam79: well, sam jackson is in every third movie that is released. but I guess that could be a strength! stamina and the ability to sign on for any project!
jugglinggeese: hahahaha
jugglinggeese: but he can act though. sometimes
deviledHam79: indeed. in the right role Sam can hold his own for sure
deviledHam79: course in Ep III he just came across as a puss
jugglinggeese: no joke
deviledHam79: what's happening? what, wait a minute...are you...are you EVIL? wait, don't do that! oh my, I will not fight you, jedi are above that! we can talk about this rationally...aw crap I'm dead. and you'll have to pay for that broken window. republic credits will do.
jugglinggeese: hahahah

Did The Enterprise Even Have Closets?

(from advocate.com)

Actor George Takei, best known as Mr. Sulu on the classic TV series Star Trek , comes out of the closet in the new issue of Frontiers . Or rather, as he tells editor Alexander Cho, "It's not really coming out, which suggests opening a door and stepping through. It's more like a long, long walk through what began as a narrow corridor that starts to widen." In the interview, the 68-year-old actor also discusses his childhood in a Japanese-American internment camp, his 18-year relationship, his siblings' inability to accept his homosexuality, and the upcoming Los Angeles production of Equus in which he stars.

Take A Hint

Bill Maher made the following closing remarks on his most recent show on HBO:

"Mr. President, this job can't be fun for you any more. There's no more money to spend--you used up all of that. You can't start another war because you used up the army. And now, darn the luck, the rest of your term has become the Bush family nightmare: helping poor people. Listen to your Mom. The cupboard's bare, the credit cards maxed out. No one's speaking to you. Mission accomplished.

"Now it's time to do what you've always done best: lose interest and walk away. Like you did with your military service and the oil company and the baseball team. It's time. Time to move on and try the next fantasy job. How about cowboy or space man? Now I know what you're saying: there's so many other things that you as President could involve yourself in. Please don't. I know, I know. There's a lot left to do. There's a war with Venezuela. Eliminating the sales tax on yachts. Turning the space program over to the church. And Social Security to Fannie Mae. Giving embryos the vote.

"But, Sir, none of that is going to happen now. Why? Because you govern like Billy Joel drives. You've performed so poorly I'm surprised that you haven't given yourself a medal. You're a catastrophe that walks like a man. Herbert Hoover was a shitty president, but even he never conceded an entire city to rising water and snakes.

"On your watch, we've lost almost all of our allies, the surplus, four airliners, two trade centers, a piece of the Pentagon and the City of New Orleans. Maybe you're just not lucky. I'm not saying you don't love this country. I'm just wondering how much worse it could be if you were on the other side.

"So, yes, God does speak to you. What he is saying is: 'Take a hint.'"

10 Reasons Gay Marriage Is Wrong

10. Gay marriage will change the foundation of society; we could never adapt to new social norms. Just like we haven't adapted to cars, the service-sector economy, or longer life spans.

9. Children can never succeed without a male and a female role model at home. That's why we as a society expressly forbid single parents to raise children.

8. Gay marriage is not supported by religion. In a theocracy like ours, the values of one religion are imposed on the entire country. That's why we have only one religion in America.

7. Gay parents who DO raise children obviously will raise gay children, since straight parents only raise straight children.

6. Straight marriages are valid because they produce children. Gay couples, infertile couples, and old people shouldn't be allowed to marry because our orphanages aren't full yet, and the world needs more children.

5. Straight marriage will be less meaningful if gay marriage were allowed; the sanctity of Brittany Spears' 55-hour just-for-fun marriage would be destroyed [or any of Rush Limbaugh's four marriages that ended in divorce].

4. Straight marriage has been around a long time and hasn't changed at all; women are still property, blacks still can't marry whites, and divorce is still illegal.

3. Legalizing gay marriage will open the door to all kinds of crazy behavior. People may even wish to marry their pets because a dog has legal standing and can sign a marriage contract.

2. Gay marriage will encourage people to be gay, in the same way that hanging around tall people will make you tall.

1. Being gay is not natural. Real Americans always reject unnatural things like eyeglasses, polyester, and air conditioning.

Are We Being Served?

This is especially poetic as the death toll for US troops in Iraq reaches 2,000. The following is a list of the service records of political figures from both the republican and democratic parties:

Democrats:
Richard Gephardt: Air National Guard, 1965-71.
David Bonior: Staff Sgt., Air Force 1968-72.
Tom Daschle: 1st Lt., Air Force SAC 1969-72.
Al Gore: enlisted Aug. 1969; sent to Vietnam Jan. 1971 as an army journalist in 20th Engineer Brigade.
Bob Kerrey: Lt. j.g. Navy 1966-69; Medal of Honor, Vietnam.
Daniel Inouye: Army 1943-47; Medal of Honor, WWII.
John Kerry: Lt., Navy 1966-70; Silver Star, Bronze Star with Combat V, Purple Hearts.
Charles Rangel: Staff Sgt., Army 1948-52; Bronze Star, Korea.
Max Cleland: Captain, Army 1965-68; Silver Star & Bronze Star, Vietnam. Paraplegic from war injuries. Served in Congress.
Ted Kennedy: Army, 1951-53.
Tom Harkin: Lt., Navy, 1962-67; Naval Reserve, 1968-74.
Jack Reed: Army Ranger, 1971-1979; Captain, Army Reserve 1979-91.
Fritz Hollings: Army officer in WWII; Bronze Star and seven campaign ribbons.
Leonard Boswell: Lt. Col., Army 1956-76; Vietnam, DFCs, Bronze Stars, and Soldier's Medal.
Pete Peterson: Air Force Captain, POW. Purple Heart, Silver Star and Legion of Merit.
Mike Thompson: Staff sergeant, 173rd Airborne, Purple Heart.
Bill McBride: Candidate for Fla. Governor. Marine in Vietnam; Bronze Star with Combat V.
Gray Davis: Army Captain in Vietnam, Bronze Star.
Pete Stark: Air Force 1955-57
Chuck Robb: Vietnam
Howell Heflin: Silver Star
George McGovern: Silver Star & DFC during WWII.
Bill Clinton: Did not serve. Student deferments. Entered draft but received #311.
Jimmy Carter: Seven years in the Navy.
Walter Mondale: Army 1951-1953
John Glenn: WWII and Korea; six DFCs and AirMedal with 18 Clusters.
Tom Lantos: Served in Hungarian underground in WWII. Saved by Raoul Wallenberg.

Republicans -- and these are the guys sending people to war:
Dick Cheney: did not serve. Several deferments, the last by marriage.
Dennis Hastert: did not serve.
Tom Delay: did not serve.
Roy Blunt: did not serve.
Bill Frist: did not serve.
Mitch McConnell: did not serve.
Rick Santorum: did not serve.
Trent Lott: did not serve.
John Ashcroft: did not serve. Seven deferments to teach business.
Jeb Bush: did not serve.
Karl Rove: did not serve.
Saxby Chambliss: did not serve. "Bad knee." The man who attacked Max Cleland's patriotism.
Paul Wolfowitz: did not serve.
Vin Weber: did not serve.
Richard Perle: did not serve.
Douglas Feith: did not serve.
Eliot Abrams: did not serve.
Richard Shelby: did not serve.
Jon Kyl: did not serve.
Tim Hutchison: did not serve.
Christopher Cox: did not serve.
Newt Gingrich: did not serve.
Don Rumsfeld: served in Navy (1954-57) as flight instructor.
George W. Bush: failed to complete his six-year National Guard; got assigned to Alabama so he could campaign for family friend running for U.S. Senate; failed to show up for required medical exam, disappeared from duty.
Ronald Reagan: due to poor eyesight, served in a non-combat role making movies.
B-1 Bob Dornan: Consciously enlisted after fighting was over in Korea.
Phil Gramm: did not serve.
John McCain: Vietnam POW, Silver Star, Bronze Star, Legion of Merit, Purple Heart and Distinguished Flying Cross.
Dana Rohrabacher: did not serve.
John M. McHugh: did not serve.
JC Watts: did not serve.
Jack Kemp: did not serve. "Knee problem," although continued in NFL for 8 years as quarterback.
Dan Quayle: Journalism unit of the Indiana National Guard.
Rudy Giuliani: did not serve.
George Pataki: did not serve.
Spencer Abraham: did not serve.
John Engler: did not serve.
Lindsey Graham: National Guard lawyer.
Arnold Schwarzenegger: AWOL from Austrian army base.

Pundits & Preachers:
Sean Hannity: did not serve.
Rush Limbaugh: did not serve (4-F with a 'pilonidal cyst.')
Bill O'Reilly: did not serve.
Michael Savage: did not serve.
George Will: did not serve.
Chris Matthews: did not serve.
Paul Gigot: did not serve.
Bill Bennett: did not serve.
Pat Buchanan: did not serve.
John Wayne: did not serve.
Bill Kristol: did not serve.
Kenneth Starr: did not serve.
Antonin Scalia: did not serve.
Clarence Thomas: did not serve.
Ralph Reed: did not serve.
Michael Medved: did not serve.
Charlie Daniels: did not serve.
Ted Nugent: did not serve. (He only shoots at things that don't shoot back.)

(thanks to Cookie for the info)

More Smoke And Mirrors

(from ABC News)

It was billed as a conversation with U.S. troops, but the questions President Bush asked on a teleconference call Thursday were choreographed to match his goals for the war in Iraq and Saturday's vote on a new Iraqi constitution.

"This is an important time," Allison Barber, deputy assistant defense secretary, said, coaching the soldiers before Bush arrived. "The president is looking forward to having just a conversation with you." Barber said the president was interested in 3 topics:

-Overall security in Iraq
-Security preparations for the weekend vote
-Efforts to train Iraqi troops

As she spoke in Washington, a live shot of 10 soldiers from the Army's 42nd Infantry Division and one Iraqi soldier was beamed into the Eisenhower Executive Office Building from Tikrit the birthplace of former Iraqi leader Saddam Hussein.

"I'm going to ask somebody to grab those two water bottles against the wall and move them out of the camera shot for me," Barber said. A rehearsal ensued.

Each soldier was individually directed to take the microphone upon specific questions being asked.

Before he took questions, Bush thanked the soldiers for serving and reassured them that the U.S. would not pull out of Iraq until the mission was complete. "So long as I'm the president, we're never going to back down, we're never going to give in, we'll never accept anything less than total victory," Bush said. The president told them twice that the American people were behind them. "You've got tremendous support here at home," Bush said.

Less than 40% in an AP-Ipsos poll taken in October said they approved of the way Bush was handling Iraq.Just over half of the public now say the Iraq war was a mistake.

White House press secretary Scott McClellan said Thursday's event was coordinated with the Defense Department but that the troops were expressing their own thoughts. With satellite feeds, coordination often is needed to overcome technological challenges, such as delays, he said. "I think all they were doing was talking to the troops and letting them know what to expect," he said, adding that the president wanted to talk with troops on the ground who have firsthand knowledge about the situation.

The soldiers all gave Bush an upbeat view of the situation. The president also got praise from the Iraqi soldier who was part of the chat. "Thank you very much for everything," he gushed. "I like you." Master Sgt. Corine Lombardo told the president that she was in New York City on Nov. 11, 2001, when Bush attended an event recognizing soldiers for their recovery and rescue efforts at Ground Zero. She said the troops began the fight against terrorism in the wake of the Sept. 11 terrorist attacks and were proud to continue it in Iraq.

"I thought you looked familiar," Bush said, and then joked: "I probably look familiar to you, too."

Paul Rieckhoff, director of the New York-based Operation Truth, an advocacy group for U.S. veterans of Iraq and Afghanistan, denounced the event as a "carefully scripted publicity stunt." Five of the 10 U.S. troops involved were officers, he said. "If he wants the real opinions of the troops, he can't do it in a nationally televised teleconference," Rieckhoff said. "He needs to be talking to the boots on the ground and that's not a bunch of captains."

A Friday Night Ponder

Isn't this an oxymoron or something?

So He Won't Be Using His Wand?

(from ananova.com)

David Copperfield says he plans to impregnate a girl on stage - without even touching her.

Speaking to German magazine Galore, the illusionist rejected the theory that there were only seven different kinds of magic tricks.

He said: "Bull s**t! There is a great deal of new territory to conquer. In my next show I'm going to make a girl pregnant on stage."

He added: "Naturally it will be without sex. Everyone will be happy about it, but I'm not telling you any more."

The magician is currently on tour in Germany with his show, An Intimate Evening of Grand Illusion.

Blogger's Note: What can I say about this? Clearly the man has lost his mind. And honestly, what guy on the planet wants to have a kid without at least getting sex out of it first?

Carry On, Carry On

Here's something quite entertaining for my fellow Lost enthusiasts:

Lost Rhapsody

Torrey's Advice For Savvy Consumers

Take it from someone who works at an electronics store and has seen the returns come in; the ipod Nano is a piece of garbage. Don't fall victim to those cutesy commercials, although it is good to see Thing from The Addams Family is still finding work. Seriously though, I've seen more durability from uncooked pasta. Do not waste your money on this thing. And if you've already got one, chances are your screen looks like sandpaper has been taken to it, but beyond that, hopefully you're still within your 30-day return.

What More Can These People Get Away With?

Here's an editorial I came across earlier today that got my blood to boil:

Outrage Of The Week

We Aren't Asking For Much Here

Here's an article worth reading for my fellow Mainers:

The Connolly question

The Harsh Reality Of It All

(from CNN.com)

The big chill that blew through reality TV this summer is starting to look like a deep freeze.

Nearly every returning entry in the once white-hot genre is either flat or down among the broadcasters in primetime. Even unscripted's most reliable war horse CBS' Survivor, is flagging, down 19 percent in the coveted adults 18-49 demographic in the first three weeks of the year versus either the same period last year or the entire run.

Waka Waka

Not a lot of people know this, but Jim Henson created the term "Muppet" simply by combining the words marionette and puppet.

Flightplan Review

Highs

• As thrillers go, the plot that unfolds is relatively airtight- thanks to a sharp script by Peter A. Dowling and Billy Ray.
• Flightplan could have easily fallen apart in the hands of a lesser director. But Robert Schwentke, a filmmaker who hails from Germany, manages to skillfully keep things tense and intriguing throughout a film that takes place almost entirely on-board an airplane.
• Major kudos to the script for having characters who ask the questions they should be asking. There were several instances during the movie that I thought to myself, "Hey what about...." and within moments that very question was answered. For the unique circumstances that unfold, great care was taken in making things seem plausible.
• From ambient sounds to comments made by passengers, the film does a great job of accurately portraying what an actual flight is like.
• Like you would expect, Jodie Foster plays her part like a pro. And Peter Sarsgaard continues to prove my hypothesis that any film is made better by his involvement.

Lows

• Some people have said that the ending of the film ventured a bit too far into Steven Seagal territory. While I can see what they are basing this on, I felt like for the most part a great deal of restraint was used in the final scene. It's a very thin line that has to be walked in ending a thriller. On the one hand you don't want people to throw up there hands in a collective, "Oh c'mon!" And on the other you don't want people leaving the theatre let down by the ending. Personally, I was fine with how things turned out.
• A person could also question how much ruckus someone would be allowed to cause on a plane these days without being restrained to a seat for the remainder of the flight. I feel like for the most part Jodie Foster played her part perfectly; out of pure fear for her child's safety she pushes as hard as she can but also shows a great deal of constraint at times knowing what the consequences of her actions might be. Hey, maybe in the real world she would have been handcuffed to her seat a half hour into the film but I'm not interested in watching a movie about Jodie Foster boarding a plane.

Torrey's Opinion:
5- Strongly Recommended
4- Recommended
3- A Mixed Bag
2- Sub-par
1- Don't Bother

Random related fact: In reality, both Sean Bean and Peter Sarsgaard are terrified of flying.

I Prefer Bruce

A text I got on my cell this morning from Cookie:

"What?! Nicholas Cage names new son Kal-El. Yep... Kal-El Cage. Child will inevitably kneel before Zod."

Make A Note Of It

I try to throw an educational post in here every so often- keep that brain matter churning and whatnot. Below are the 18 latest additions to the Merriam-Webster's Collegiate Dictionary:

• amuse-bouche (noun) 1984 : a small complimentary appetizer offered at some restaurants
• battle dress uniform (noun) 1982 : a military uniform for field service
• bikini wax (noun) 1985 : a procedure for removing pubic hair from the skin near the edge of the bottom half of a bikini by applying hot wax, covering the wax with a cloth to which the wax and hair adhere, and then peeling it off quickly
• brain freeze (noun) 1991 : a sudden shooting pain in the head caused by ingesting very cold food (as ice cream) or drink
• chick flick (noun) 1988 : a motion picture intended to appeal esp. to women
• civil union (noun) 1992 : the legal status that ensures to same-sex couples specified rights and responsibilities of married couples
• cybrarian (noun) 1992 : a person whose job is to find, collect, and manage information that is available on the World Wide Web
• DHS (abbreviation) : Department of Homeland Security
• hazmat (noun) 1980 : a material (as flammable or poisonous material) that would be a danger to life or to the environment if released without precautions
• hospitalist (noun) 1996 : a physician who specializes in treating hospitalized patients of other physicians in order to minimize the number of hospital visits by other physicians
• metadata (noun) 1983 : data that provides information about other data
• otology (noun) 1842 : a science that deals with the ear and its diseases
• retronym (noun) 1980 : a term consisting of a noun and a modifier which specifies the original meaning of the noun ["film camera" is a ~]
• SARS (noun) [severe acute respiratory syndrome] 2003 : a severe respiratory illness that is caused by a coronavirus (genus Coronavirus), is transmitted esp. by contact with infectious material (as respiratory droplets), and is marked by fever, headache, body aches, a dry cough, hypoxia, and usu. pneumonia
• steganography (noun) 1985 1 archaic : cryptography 2 : the art or practice of concealing a message, image, or file within another message, image, or file
• tide pool (noun) 1853 : a pool of salt water left (as in a rock basin) by an ebbing tide—called also tidal pool
• Wi-Fi (certification mark) —used to certify the interoperability of wireless computer networking devices
• zaibatsu (noun) 1947 : a powerful financial and industrial conglomerate of Japan

Blogger's note: Okay how cool is it that they included "brain freeze?" And another thumbs up for the addition of "civil unions." Our government may not recognize them, but gosh darn it, the dictionary does. I call that progress.

Torrey's Irrefutable Truths For The Week Of 10/02

Eugene Levy Will Sign-On To Any Project
Seriously, no matter how awful the script is he'll do it. I don't think the guy has any standards. He's even less prudent than Sam Jackson and that's no easy feat. I read the other day that Levy is the only former American Pie star to sign up for the direct-to-DVD sequel that's in the works.

Pixar Is The King Of Computer Animated Films
I watched Robots the other night and while the film was pretty good, it just didn't live up to the standards Pixar has set. Visually, Robots was fantastic but they just didn't have the story and dialogue to match. The writing was decent, but not great. I think there are two reasons that Pixar's features stand head and shoulders above the rest. Number One, they don't dumb down their product for the sake of kids. They write the stuff that they find entertaining and just make sure it's suitable for a general audience. And Number Two, Pixar doesn't rely on big names to sell their films. Take a look at movies like Robots and Shark Tale. You won't find a movie poster without the names De Niro, Berry, Brooks, Smith, Williams, McGregor and Jolie plastered across them. But then you have The Incredibles where the main character is voiced by the guy from Coach! But that didn't matter because Pixar chose character over star power and found the person they felt best fit the role. Pixar knows what's up.

Everyone Should Visit Las Vegas At Least Once
I can't imagine someone not having a good time in Sin City. Even if you don't like to gamble, there's plenty of other stuff to do. Great shows, pretty lights, delicious eats and elvis impersonators. I guarantee everyone in the world enjoys at least one of those four things. You can't really understand how unique Vegas is until you experience it for yourself. It's like you're in a bubble where the outside world is irrelevant and your only mission is to have a ridiculous time. It's kinda like someone put a giant Chucky Cheese for adults in the middle of the Nevada desert.

Never Get In Lois Lane's Way
So I inadvertently backed into Margo Kidder at the Boston Comic Con over the weekend. She came up behind me, no doubt on her way to break a story or something, and I didn't know she was there. It was really crowded where I was standing... I think I may have stepped on her foot as well; I'm not sure. My friend Cookie said she seemed pissed at me. Whatever, I'm just glad she didn't go all psycho like in that Family Guy episode. If you ever read this, Margo, it's polite to say excuse me.

Serenity Review

Highs

• The crew of Serenity makes a flawless transition from television to film. In retrospect, Joss Whedon's vision may have been a little too wide in scope for TV. In my opinion, the premise works better on a grander stage.
• Fans of Firefly will reap the most rewards, but thanks to some great writing and savvy execution there's plenty here for newcomers as well.
• Nathan Fillion may well be on his way to becoming the next Harrison Ford.
• There is more intensity and excitement in this one film than all three of George Lucas' Star Wars prequels combined. And that's a statement I won't back down from.
  

Lows

• The only real low that could come from this is if people don't go see the film because they didn't watch the show or think it's just for geeks. Those people would be missing out on the beginning of the next great sci-fi adventure franchise.

Torrey's Opinion:
5- Strongly Recommended
4- Recommended
3- A Mixed Bag
2- Sub-par
1- Don't Bother

Random related fact: Serenity is yet another film to be helped along by impressive DVD sales. The Firefly box set is among the top-selling television shows available on DVD. This serves as further evidence that both sides usually win when studios listen to the fans.

Corpse Bride Review

Highs

• Tim Burton's animation team has improved greatly since The Nightmare Before Christmas. The work is so polished that it could easily be mistaken for computer generated work.
• Corpse Bride is more story driven and less musical than Nightmare. They clearly weren't trying to replicate their previous work and for that I'm thankful. Nightmare is a magical holiday classic that rests on its own pedestal.
• It's very refreshing to see stop animation still being put to good use. It is an artform worthy of much more exposure than it gets. CG might be the "in" thing nowadays, but there's no replacement for the feeling that something is real and tangible.
• In true Burton fashion, the film is a tremendous visual treat. The character models are fantastic, particularly the Corpse Bride herself. I'm sure they'll be able to fill a second DVD with material on the making of this film.
• Timmy continues his tradition of showing us that death doesn't have to be all bad.
  

Lows

• The marketing for Corpse Bride makes it seem more kid-friendly than it actually is. It's not that the material is inappropriate, it's just that much of the subject matter would go over the head of most youngsters under the age of 13 or so.
• Since stop animation films take several years to create, it'll be awhile before we see another feature from Burton & Co.
  

Torrey's Opinion:
5- Strongly Recommended
4- Recommended
3- A Mixed Bag
2- Sub-par
1- Don't Bother

Random related fact: Corpse Bride was shot using no actual film cameras. The entire film was made using digital stills captured by Canon SLR cameras and Nikon lenses, the same type of digital photography equipment available in many retail electronics stores. The stills were then combined and edited using Apple's Final Cut Pro.

That's Catchy

What song was going through my head for most of today? That would be Electric Blue by Icehouse.

What song was stuck on you today?

Torrey's Irrefutable Truths For The Week Of 9/25

America Loves Luis Guzman In A Supporting Role
We all know this to be true- look no further than Boogie Nights, Carlito's Way, Magnolia, Traffic and Crocodile Dundee II. The one time Luis took on a starring role in his own sitcom, Luis, it was the first show to be cancelled from the 2003 Fall season. A hard lesson to learn, but a necessary one.

Store Brand Cereals Are Inferior To Name Brand Cereals
My sixth grade teacher once told me that store brand and name brand cereals come from the same factories, they're just put in different boxes. He was clearly full of shit. Apple Dapples can't hold a candle to Apple Jacks. And Confruity Crips instead of Fruity Pebbles? Not a chance. I'll pay the extra 40 cents and eat something that's delicious.

Lost Saved Television
I'm not saying Lost single-handedly resurrected the art of dramatic television writing, but it certainly played a vital role in bringing creative programming back to the surface after being held down for so many years by ridiculous 'reality' nonsense. Lost reminds us that television viewing can actually be an event that people discuss and look forward to and that TV shows do not always have to play a distant second fiddle to film. Whether you follow the show or not, we all benefit from the ripple effects. Look no further than this year's Fall schedules for an indication of that.

Stephen Colbert Makes Anything Funny
From his years of consistently brilliant work on The Daily Show to his hilarious porformance as Chuck Noblet on Strangers with Candy, Stephen Colbert proves time after time that he is among the funniest people in entertainment today. It was recently announced that he'll be getting his own show entitled The Colbert Report that will air on Comedy Central following The Daily. Here is Stephen's synopsis of the show:
(from The New Yorker) If The Daily Show is faux evening news, The Colbert Report will be faux Bill O'Reilly. "The focus will be me, lots of me," Colbert said. "Occationally, we'll turn the camera elsewhere, but only for pacing." And what sort of presence will Stephen Colbert have? "My ambition is to have Stone Phillips' neck and Geraldo Rivera's sense of mission."

Astonishing Facts From Around The Globe #9

• The average U.S. farm has 467 acres. The average farm in Japan has three acres.

• Oak trees are struck by lightning more often than any other tree.

• Sweden made beastiality legal in 1944.

• Barnum's Animal crackers consist of 18 different animal types.

• Since its founding, Apple Computer has received hundreds of angry letters claiming that its logo, an apple with a bite taken out, represents original sin.

• The average alarm clock's snooze function lasts nine minutes.

• Hamsters can have sex 75 times a day.

Transporter 2 Review

Highs

• Trans 2 doesn't take itself too seriously and it shouldn't. That's one thing you could accuse the first film of. Also, the pacing of the sequel is better with less down time and more lunacy.
• There are action sequences that are so implausible that I actually laughed out loud a number of times throughout the movie.
• Jason Statham does have a degree of screen presence; he just needs to find better material.
• While many of the stunts are ridiculous, there are a few segments that are actually quite well done- particularly a fight sequence involving a fire hose.
• Trans 2 could be a pretty fun time with a bunch of people and an abundance of alcohol.
  

Lows

• This movie is so ridulously over-the-top that it's almost an insult to the original Transporter...if that's possible.
• The attempts at creating any real drama or emotion are completely washed away by how silly the rest of the movie is.
• The character Tarconi is inexplicably turned into a bumbling idiot this time around. He also flies to Miami, stays for one night and then returns to France the following day for no apparent reason.
• There's a scene at the end of the film involving an out-of-control airplane that features some of the worst special effects I've seen since those alligators in The Eraser.
• Matthew Modine and his silly children's glasses.
  

Torrey's Opinion:
5- Strongly Recommended
4- Recommended
3- A Mixed Bag
2- Sub-par
1- Don't Bother

Random related fact: A sequel was greenlit only after The Transporter posted strong sales on DVD.

Superman The Abuser

Sucker-punching women now? This is getting out of hand.

The Constant Gardener Review

(Introducing a new streamlined format. Hey, it's not like these things get published or anything.)

Highs

• Better than Meirelles' previous film, City of God, and I liked that one too. More coherant and stronger character arcs.
• Great pacing; the film really builds as it goes along.
• Much like COG, some brilliant and unique camera work.
• The film effectly turns the mirror around to its viewers and asks, "What are you going to do about this?"
• Rachel Weisz continues to impress me.

Lows

• I think the title probably throws off the general public. The film is much more engrossing than it sounds.
• Probably should have been a winter release. Brainy films tend to get lost in the summer shuffle.

Torrey's Opinion:
Strongly Recommended
Recommended
A Mixed Bag
Sub-par
Don't Bother

Random related fact: Mike Newell was originally set to direct, but he dropped out after being offered Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire.

Oklahoma Senator Tom Coburn Is A Freakin' Loon

On the first day of John Roberts' confirmation hearings, Senator Tom Coburn (R-OK) pulled a Rodney King "Why can't we all just get along?" Coburn broke down in tears complaining, "When I ponder our country and its greatness, its weakness, its potential, my heart aches for less divisiveness, less polarization, less finger-pointing, less bitterness, less mindless partisanship."

Judging by his past deeds, Senator Coburn wants all of these things to end on the left, but not on the right. Take a look at the following statements made by the Oklahoma Senator:

Coburn on his 2004 opponent
"It's a battle of good vs. evil."

Coburn on the Oklahoma legislature
"You have a bunch of crapheads in Oklahoma City that have killed the vision of anybody wanting to invest in Oklahoma."

Coburn on doctors
"I favor the death penalty for abortionists and other people who take life."

Coburn on gun control
"If I wanted to buy a bazooka to use in a very restricted way, to do something, I ought to be able to do that."

Coburn on homosexuality
"The gay community has infiltrated the very centers of power in every area across the country, and they wield extreme power. Why do you think we see the rationalization for abortion and multiple sexual partners? That's a gay agenda."

It's also worth noting that shortly before speaking, Coburn was caught by news cameras working on a crossword puzzle tucked in his lap.

(from thinkprogress.org)

Blogger's Note: Coburn, I know what you must be thinking but we had no say in naming Jeff Gordon's pit crew the "Rainbow Warriors."

One Of The Many Reasons Why I'm Not A Fan Of Kevin Smith

A quote from Roger Ebert:

"The year that "Clerks" played at the Cannes Film Festival, I was the chairman of a panel discussion of independent filmmakers. Most of them talked about their battles to stay free from Hollywood's playsafe strategies. But Kevin Smith cheerfully said he'd be happy to do whatever the studios wanted, if they'd pay for his films. At the time, I thought he was joking.

Superman The Glutton

More shocking revelations!

Your Words Amuse Me

Quote of Friday Night:

"It's kinda like Death Cab for Billy Joel."
-Chris explaining a new song by Harvey Danger called "Wine, Women and Song."

You Know They've Thought About It

Housewives, Take Me Away

NEW YORK (AP) -- In the eyes of viewers, reality television is not only a misnamed genre. It's a format wearing out its welcome.

Four out of five Americans say they think too many reality shows are on the air, according to an AP-TV Guide poll. Only four percent of respondents said there were not enough.

Few people believe there's much reality in reality TV: a total of 82 percent said the shows are either "totally made up" or "mostly distorted."
(from CNN.com)

Blogger's Note: I've been against reality programming since the first episode of Survivor aired. It's always been clear to me that nothing of value can come from it and the only thing reality TV accomplishes is fast cash for television execs and a dumbing down of society. Oh, it also succeeded in squashing countless potentially great creative programs under its thumb before they ever got a chance to get rolling. It's nice to see the dark cloud that has been hanging over television filter away to brighter days ahead. Thank you, Lost.

Big Plans

Plans, the newest album from Death Cab for Cutie, debuted in the No. 4 spot on The Billboard Top 200, beating out the likes of Hilary Duff, The Black Eyed Peas and Mariah Carey.

Blogger's Note: Justice is being served!

I've Unearted More Useful Information

You've probably noticed the letters YKK printed on your zippers before...they stand for Yoshida Kogyo Kabushibibaisha, the largest zipper manufacturing company in the world.