Bro Rape: A Newsline Investigative Report

(Thanks to Chris for showing me this fantastic vid)

Black [updated 6/13/07]

Did anyone see the Sopranos finale last night? I feel the need to get some other viewpoints on the ending. I'm left feeling a tad bewildered...

Spoiler Alert: The post that follows as well as the comments section contain plot details from the finale episode. Consider yourself warned.

The following is from Kevin Levine's blog. He has written/produced/directed shows like MASH, Cheers, Frasier, The Simpsons, Everybody Loves Raymond and many others over the course of his 30-year career.

"If The Sopranos Were On A Major Network"

• The finale would be at least two hours.
• There would be a one hour clip show hosted by Bob Costas preceding it.
• There would be live coverage of the cast party on the network’s local 11:00 news. It would be the lead story even if Hurricane Katrina hit that day.
• There would be a little animated promo swooshing across the bottom of the screen after every commercial break of every other prime time show on that network for two weeks. A little gun would shoot a little mobster. The blood would spell out SOPRANOS.
• Also, on the bottom of the screen there would be a little countdown clock for a month leading up to the finale.
• The cast would be on that network’s late night talk show. If the network didn’t have a late night talk show they would create one just for this purpose.
• An online contest would offer prizes if you guessed who would be whacked and when. That way you could watch the final episode and play along at home.
• They would spin off Janice. Coming in September: WIDOW WITH CHILDREN.
• They would insist that Tony’s mother return despite the fact that the actress who played her has died.
• They would NEVER EVER EVER allow an ambiguous ending.
• They would want the following changes in the last scene. Meadow should drive a Ford because that’s who is sponsoring. She should have no trouble parallel parking because Fords are easy to parallel park. The restaurant must be TGI Fridays – also a sponsor and much more colorful. The threat should come from a singing waiter wearing a straw hat, suspenders, and hundreds of fun buttons. A secondary threat should be an Arab terrorist with a scar. The Arab should pull his gun. The waiter should point his banjo (which is also a semi-automatic rifle). It looks like Tony, Carmela, and A.J. are done for it. Final commercial break. We come back just as Meadow bursts in the door with an Uzi and blows the bad guys away. Meadow, it seems, has just come from dance class and is wearing nothing but a hot leotards. Tony says, “That’s what I get for going to Fridays on Tuesday.” The family shares a laugh. Meadow sits down. Everyone hugs and declares their love for each other. Carmelo calls out, “Can we get ANOTHER waiter?” They laugh. One more hug. Long fade out, as music swells – Dino’s “Ain’t That a Kick in the Head”. Fade out. Your local news is next.
  

So if you’re still pissed at David Chase for the way he really ended the series just think of the alternative.

(Thanks to Rawson for the link)

Results May Vary

Just in time for summer- Make your own ice cream in under five minutes!

What You'll Need:

1 tablespoon Sugar
1/2 cup Milk or half & half
1/4 teaspoon Vanilla
6 tablespoons Rock salt
1 pint-size Ziploc plastic bag
1 gallon-size Ziploc plastic bag
Ice cubes

Step 1: Fill the large bag half full of ice, and add the rock salt. Seal the bag.
Step 2: Put milk, vanilla, and sugar into the small bag, and seal it.
Step 3: Place the small bag inside the large one and seal again carefully.
Step 4: Shake until mixture is ice cream, about 5 minutes.
Step 5: Wipe off top of small bag, then open carefully and enjoy!

(from The Kaboose Family Network)

Behold, The ZoomQuilt!

Click on the picture below and prepare to be amazed right out of your socks!

Gamer Beware

Here's a nice example of why I don't generally do business with Gamestop.

Like A Good Neighbor

Here are some interesting things you probably didn't know about Mr. Fred Rogers (at least I didn't).

(from Mental_floss)

Most people have heard of Koko, the Stanford-educated gorilla who could speak about 1000 words in American Sign Language, and understand about 2000 in English. What most people don’t know, however, is that Koko was an avid Mister Rogers’ Neighborhood fan. As Esquire reported, when Fred Rogers took a trip out to meet Koko for his show, not only did she immediately wrap her arms around him and embrace him, she did what she’d always seen him do onscreen: she proceeded to take his shoes off!

According to a TV Guide piece on him, Fred Rogers drove a plain old Impala for years. One day, however, the car was stolen from the street near the TV station. When Rogers filed a police report, the story was picked up by every newspaper, radio and media outlet around town. Amazingly, within 48 hours the car was left in the exact spot where it was taken from, with an apology on the dashboard. It read, “If we’d known it was yours, we never would have taken it.”

Mr. Rogers weighed in at exactly 143 pounds every day for the last 30 years of his life. He didn’t smoke, didn’t drink, didn’t eat the flesh of any animals, and was extremely disciplined in his daily routine. And while I’m not sure if any of that was because he’d mostly grown up a chubby, single child, Junod points out that Rogers found beauty in the number 143. According to the piece, Rogers came “to see that number as a gift… because, as he says, “the number 143 means ‘I love you.’ It takes one letter to say ‘I’ and four letters to say ‘love’ and three letters to say ‘you.’ One hundred and forty-three.”

When the government wanted to cut Public Television funds in 1969, the relatively unknown Mister Rogers went to Washington. Almost straight out of a Capra film, his 5-6 minute testimony on how TV had the potential to give kids hope and create more productive citizens was so simple but passionate that even the most gruff politicians were charmed. While the budget should have been cut, the funding instead jumped from $9 to $22 million. Rogers also spoke to Congress, and swayed senators into voting to allow VCR’s to record television shows from the home. It was a cantankerous debate at the time, but his argument was that recording a program like his allowed working parents to sit down with their children and watch shows as a family.

Despite being an ordained Presbyterian minister, and a man of tremendous faith, Mister Rogers preached tolerance first. Whenever he was asked to castigate non-Christians or gays for their differing beliefs, he would instead face them and say, with sincerity, “God loves you just the way you are.” Often this provoked ire from fundamentalists.

Once, on a fancy trip up to a PBS exec’s house, he heard the limo driver was going to wait outside for 2 hours, so he insisted the driver come in and join them (which flustered the host). On the way back, Rogers sat up front, and when he learned that they were passing the driver’s home on the way, he asked if they could stop in to meet his family. According to the driver, it was one of the best nights of his life—the house supposedly lit up when Rogers arrived, and he played jazz piano and bantered with them late into the night.

Mr. Rogers was color-blind. He couldn’t see the color blue. Of course, he was also figuratively color-blind, as you probably guessed. As were his parents who took in a black foster child when Rogers was growing up.

Michael Keaton got his start on the show as an assistant- helping puppeteer and operate the trolley.

Every one of the cardigans he wore on the show had been hand-knit by his mother.

Hey, It's That Guy

How many times have you said this while watching a film or television program? Cracked.com has compiled a list of The 20 Best "That Guys" Of All Time. It's a fantastic list that culminates with a #1 entrant who has haunted me for years now.

(thanks to Rawson for the link)

Future Google

Pirates Of The Caribbean: At World's End Review

HIGHS

• Thankfully, Pirates 3 didn't suck. It builds on what was established in the first two films and comes through with a satisfying conclusion. After witnessing the abomination that was Spider-man 3, I guess I can't ask for much more than that.
• Geoffrey Rush is hands-down the greatest pirate in cinema history. He should be given an Oscar for this. To see him cackling maniacally as he steers his ship off the end of the world is a ridiculously badass thing to behold. Everyone talks about Capt. Jack, and of course I agree that the character is fun and memorable, but for my money Barbosa is the best thing about these films.
• We find out more on Davy Jones' back story, who was, with the absence of Barbosa, my favorite thing about Dead Man's Chest. And he's still sporting the most convincing CGI I've ever seen.
• Speaking of CGI, I think it's easy to become complacent with what you're seeing in a movie these days because we are so used to large-scale special effects shots, but the stuff that is put together in Pirates 3 is damn impressive. When you look at what goes down in the film's climax, with the inclusion of battling sea vessels, a giant maelstrom, sword fighting sea freaks galore, a looming fleet of British ships, and Jack Sparrow dueling it out with Davy Jones in the middle of all this- while keeping a coherent story flowing- it's really a very impressive feat. Jurassic Park was a long time ago and I think we often take for granted some of the amazing things effects artists are doing in movies today.
• In true pirate fashion, there's plenty of back-stabbing in this flick.
• One thing I criticized Dead Man's Chest for was the fact that it was significantly more kiddish and hokey than the first film. I'm happy to say that the final chapter falls somewhere between the other two on this subject. It's still pretty over-the-top at times, but it feels like a mostly grown-up affair.
• Let's not forget that this entire film franchise was based on a Disney theme park ride. That's an impressive accomplishment in and of itself.
• Less rum jokes.
  

LOWS

• I felt that they could have done a better job with the film's pacing. It's very talky at times. You know there's going to eventually be a final showdown between Pirates and Brits, it just takes a bit too long to get there. I didn't realize pirates were so indecisive.
• The sub-plot involving Calypso felt un-realized to me. I was expecting more to come of it.
  

Torrey's Opinion:
5- Strongly Recommended
4- Recommended
3- A Mixed Bag
2- Sub-par
1- Don't Bother

Random related fact: The final run time for At World's End came in at 2 hours, 48 minutes. This was whittled down from the film's first cut which weighed in at over 3 hours.

Release The Polls!

Final Results (6/03/07):

If left alone with a tub of Neapolitan ice cream, which goes first?

Chocolate - 40%
Strawberry - 60%
Vanilla - 0%


Peppermint Patty and Marcie...

Lesbian Lovers - 73%
Just Good Friends - 27%


If the Golden Girls battled to the death, who comes out the victor?

Blanche - 27%
Dorothy - 27%
Rose - 9%
Sophia - 36%

Thanks to all who participated!

You Want A Piece Of Me?

There's been a lot of Frank Costanza talk at work lately, particularly about one chance encounter he had with Elaine at the police station that has since become one of my favorite moments in television history. As luck would have it, I found a clip from the episode on Youtube which I am sharing with you now.

BTW, this is the same episode that had the infamous Elaine Dance.

(jump ahead to the 4:00 mark and prepare to be dazzled.)

The Creativity Of Xbox

There are many reasons why the Xbox 360 is my favorite gaming console ever and Tim Schafer (creator of Psychonauts and all-around respected developer) recently talked about the biggest reason in an article he wrote for the Official Xbox Magazine.


Around 1990, all of us Lucasfilm employees were called into a big meeting to discuss some recent layoffs at ILM. People were worried about the future, so the President of the Lucas companies got up to tell us about it. (Not George. It was this other guy who wore sweater vests a lot.) The question most people seemed to have about the future was something like "Do I have one? Does it involve bagging groceries?" But President Sweater Vest wanted to talk about the future of entertainment. Management had discussed it at length, and decided that many things about media were uncertain. But the one thing they all agreed upon was this: In the future, there would be a box on top of your TV, and entertainment would come out of it.

"We don't know what exactly this box will be, or who will make it, or if you'll own it or rent, or if the entertainment is going to be movies, or games, or something else, but we know it will be some sort of... box. And it will be on top of your TV." A couple of weeks later this guy would resign. And we the employees would shout: "Yeah! You take your sweater vests and your layoffs and your future box, and you get out of here!" But now I feel bad because I think - with the exception of the location of the box - that he might have been right. I might have one of those future boxes in my living room right now.

More annoying than the thought of the Sweater Prez being right is the thought of Microsoft marketing being right. Not that they aren't usually; most of the time, they've got me pegged. When my extreme friends and I are chillaxing at home, holding skateboards in one hand and using the 360 controller in the other hand to pull off hardcore headshots, I often wonder: Does Microsoft have a security camera in my house?

(Okay, here's a realistic picture of me playing Gears of War on a typical night: bathrobe, beard stubble, my feet on a coffee table covered with dirty dishes, a stupid-looking telemarketer's headset on my head, and nerd glasses on my face because my contacts became too dry from my allergies to the small kitten sleeping next to me on the couch. Warning: This kind of hardcoreness is not a setting; it's a lifestyle.)

But here's the thing: I love my effin' 360. (And not just because it finally plays Psychonauts. But woo for that.) I think the single greatest achievement of the Xbox is not its performance or any of the fancy graphics features, but in how I interact with the machine. The relationship you have with your Xbox is the most next-gen thing about it.

How I play it is this: I flop down on the couch - in a really athletic cool way - and I turn on the 360. I look to see if any of my friends are online and I look at what they're playing. Then I see what new Xbox Live Arcade games, or demos, or videos are available to download. And then - and only then - do I start to figure out what I'm going to play. Am I up to the challenge of finally getting General RAAM stuck behind that second concrete cube so I can kill him like the cheater I am and earn that damn Achievement for playing through on Insane? Or do I just want to relax with some Hardwood Hearts? That New Age pirate music really helps me settle down for bed, you know.

That thought process isn't so new, but the order of the though process is, at least to me. I'm turning on the machine before I know what I'm going to play. Instead of thinking, "I'm going to play Gears of War," I'm thinking, "I'm going to play some Xbox."

Oh god. They won.

The King Of Popular Mechanics

(from Yahoo Music)

Michael Jackson is in discussions about creating a 50-foot robotic replica of himself to roam the Las Vegas desert, according to reports.

The pop legend is currently understood to be living in the city, as he considers making a comeback after 2004's turbulent child sex case.

It has now been claimed that his plans include an elaborate show in Vegas, which would feature the giant Jacko striding around the desert, firing laser beams.

If built, the metal monster would apparently be visible to aircraft as they come in to land in the casino capital.

It is the centerpiece of an elaborate Jackson-inspired show in Vegas, according to Andre Van Pier, the robot's designer.

Luckman Van Pier, his partner at the company behind the proposal, claims blueprints have been drawn up for the show and seen by the star.

"Michael's looked at the sketches and likes them," he told the New York Daily News.

On the subject of the robot, he continued: "It would be in the desert sands. Laser beams would shoot out of it so it would be the first thing people flying in would see."


Blogger's Note: Dear God, I hope he goes through with this.

Consider It Done

"If you have more than 200 orgasms a year, you can reduce your physiologic age by six years."
-Dr. Oz (some dude Oprah has on her show, so you know he's credible)

Blogger's Note: By my calculations, I should have reverted back to the womb by now.

10 Things We Learned From Spider-man 3

SPOILER ALERT: The following contains some plot points from Spider-man 3. Consider yourself warned.

(from The CinemATTIC)

1. EMOs are a product of alien symbiosis.
2. If you find yourself running from the law, no problem! Just hop over the gate that says ‘DANGER! Particle Physics Experiment in progress’ and you’re in the clear.
3. If your girlfriend is hanging from the roof of a demolished skyscraper, never fear. Nonchalantly take some pictures and introduce yourself to her father, who also doesn’t seem to give a shit.
4. Flipping omelets and listening to vintage dance songs will only lead to adultery.
5. Black is the new red. And alien goo is the new cotton.
6. If you ever find yourself battling a giant sand person and a jagged-toothed photographer alongside your best friend who just tried to kill you, be sure that you and him exchange ‘witty’ banter at every opportunity. “I’m a little busy over here, buddy.” “I’d love to help you, but I’ve got my hands full, buddy” and so on.
7. If you want to kill someone real bad, then go to church and pray and maybe, if you’re lucky, God will provide you with an alien suit made of pure evil.
8. Sufferers of amnesia just can’t help smiling ridiculously and eating ice-cream. Oh life is good when you can’t remember anything.
9. Bad boys eat cookies, drink milk and mimic their lecturers on the phone in a hilarious manner.
10. Is your girlfriend feeling down? No problem, make her feel better by passionately upside-down kissing some really hot chick in front of her.

Spider-man 3 Review

HIGHS

• Themes are consistent with the first two films.
• Some good action scenes, although Spidey 2 had better ones.
• A decent Bruce Campbell cameo.
• Topher Grace is a good actor. He should get more work.
  

LOWS

• Really lousy script.
• Poor pacing. Slow at times while not doing much to enhance the story.
• Oftentimes feels phony, melodramatic, cheesy, heavy-handed, uneven, schmaltzy... if I had a thesaurus nearby I could come up with more descriptions.
• Very inconsistent character motivations across the board.
• My greatest fear about this movie was realized: They tried to cram way too much into one film and the result was everyone coming up short-changed. This should have been handled as two movies. Harry and The Sandman in one and Venom in Spidey 4. The Venom storyline deserves its own movie.
• People's emotions are all over the place. Happy, Sad, Angry, Compassionate, Playful, Vengeful... and that was just Harry!
• Peter and Mary Jane have a challenging relationship. We get it!
• Oftentimes treats the audience like we are idiots. "Here's a flashback of what happened 20 minutes ago in case you forgot."
• Why didn't the Butler mention that earlier??! Really could have saved a lot of hassle. (when you see the movie, you'll know what I'm talking about.)
  

Torrey's Opinion:
5- Strongly Recommended
4- Recommended
3- A Mixed Bag
2- Sub-par
1- Don't Bother

Random related fact: The release date for Spider-man 3 was set before Spider-man 2 was even released. (that means the movie was rushed, folks, and it shows.)

What Does $456 Billion Buy?

(from Boston.com)

While there is some disagreement on the idea of troop deadlines for US soldiers in Iraq, all sides seem to be on board with the amount included in the bill to fund the war.

Including the $124.2 billion bill, the total cost of the Iraq war may reach $456 billion in September, according to the National Priorities Project, an organization that tracks public spending.

The amount got us wondering: What would $456 billion buy?

2,949 Newton North High Schools
Tagged as the most expensive high school in Massachusetts, at $154.6 million, Newton North High School could be replicated almost 3,000 times using the money spent on the war.

30 Big Digs
At almost $15 billion, Boston's Central Artery project has been held up as the nation's most expensive public works project. Now multiply that by 30 and you're getting close to US taxpayer’s commitment to democracy in Iraq… so far.

Free Gas For Everybody For 1.2 Years
US drivers consume approximately 384.7 million gallons of gasoline a day. Retail prices averaged $2.64 a gallon in 2006. Breaking it down, $456 billion could buy gasoline for everybody in the United States, for about 449 days.

Or Go Green (with ethanol)
With just one-sixth of the US money targeted for the Iraq war, you could convert all cars in America to run on ethanol. TheBudgetGraph.com estimates that converting the 136,568,083 registered cars in the United States to ethanol (conversion kits at $500) would cost $68.2 billion.

14.5 Million Years Through Harvard
At published rates for next year, $456 billion translates into 14.5 million free rides for a year at Harvard.

Medicare Benefits For One Year
In fiscal 2008, Medicare benefits will total $454 billion, according to a Heritage Foundation summary.

Need More Perspective?
According to World Bank estimates, $54 billion a year would eliminate starvation and malnutrition globally by 2015, while $30 billion would provide a year of primary education for every child on earth.

At the upper range of those estimates, the $456 billion cost of the war could have fed and educated the world's poor for five and a half years.

Feeling Broody?

The 10 Most Exquisitely Sad Songs In The Whole World (according to Spinner):

1. "Chicken Wire" - Pernice Brothers (1998)
2. "Gloomy Sunday" - Billie Holiday (1941)
3. "Eleanor Rigby" - The Beatles (1966)
4. "Hurt" - Johnny Cash (2002)
5. "I Know It's Over" - The Smiths (1986)
6. "He Stopped Loving Her Today" - George Jones (1980)
7. "Hallelujah" - Jeff Buckley (1994)
8. "Dance With My Father" - Luther Vandross (2003)
9. "Concrete Angel" - Martina McBride (2001)
10. "In The Real World" - Roy Orbinson (1989)
    

Blogger's Note: You could play "Hallelujah" over a montage of kittens frolicking in a field of daisies and I'd still get misty-eyed.

My Most Important Polls Yet

Final Results (5/13/07):

You need to raise an army. It will be comprised entirely of:

Ninjas - 50%
Pirates - 20%
Pro wrestlers - 0%
Vampires - 20%
Zombies - 10%


Who is the superior cartoon duck?

Donald - 40%
Daffy - 60%


Captain Planet is recruiting new Planeteers. You choose the power of:

Earth - 10%
Fire - 50%
Wind - 20%
Water - 20%
Heart - 0%

Thanks to all who participated!

We're Also Better At Tennis

Yet another reason why Lefties are the superior race.

(from ABC Science Online)

Australian research suggests that left-handers might be a bit better at games than their right-handed counterparts.

That's because, according to a report published in the Neuropsychology journal, sharing of information between the left and right sides of a left-hander's brain is "more efficient".

Dr Nick Cherbuin from the Australian National University told ABC Science Online that this would help with tasks that involve lots of information or stimuli, including "fast computer games".

He said that his research, which saw 80 right- and 20 left-handed people performing tasks designed to rely on collaboration between the two hemispheres of the brain, demonstrates that among left-handers "sharing of resource across their hemispheres is more efficient".