An Open Letter To The Grammys

(from men.style.com)

Pump up the volume! Turn that beat back! Hip-hop hooray! America's most watched, most exhilarating, most splendiferous music-awards show airs live from Los Angeles on February 13!

Yawn.

Okay, sorry. We don't mean to be disrespectful. We know the Grammys mean a lot—to Kenny Rogers and Céline Dion. Or to that cute little piano moppet Norah Jones, who's still unpacking the 34,000 Grammys she won a couple of years ago. (Yeah, Norah rocks!)

See, that's your problem, Grammy. You're about as edgy as a Saturn full of Creed fans. Judging Amy is cooler than you. It's even worse when you try to act cool—it's like watching our mom and dad try to dance to Chingy's "Holidae In."

We have to admit you've gotten better lately. This year you gave Kanye West ten nominations. But something tells us that if Santana had put out a record this year, Kanye would be sitting at home on February 13, ordering Kanye some Domino's. And what's up with the Sting fetish? Sting could fart in a Ziploc and you guys would give it five nominations.

Face it, Grammy: You've got a lame track record. You gave a heavy-metal Grammy to Jethro Tull over Metallica. You nominated Fountains of Wayne for Best New Artist—after they'd been performing for eight years. Milli Vanilli. And here's just a brief list of the nobodies who've never received one of your chintzy trophies: Jimi Hendrix, Bob Marley, Neil Young, Guns N' Roses, and that raunchy little indie band from England, Led Zeppelin.

But every year it's the same thing: We say we're not going to watch, but we end up watching anyway. So in the hope of a semi-interesting show, we have a couple suggestions.

1. EASY ON THE DEAD-GUY LOVE. There's nothing you like more than an artist who's six feet under. Johnny Cash, Warren Zevon—the deader, the better. This year Ray Charles is up for seven awards. Guess what, Grammy: Ray doesn't care. He's dead. Same with Brian Wilson. Oh, wait: Someone here says Brian is alive. But still.

2. STOP THE "IF YOU PLAY IT, YOU WIN!" POLICY. It's practically a Grammy rule: If you play your song, two seconds later you'll win a Grammy. Come on. Even Paris Hilton doesn't return the favor that fast, guys.

3. COURT MORE DISASTERS. The best Grammy moments are always the ones you guys have nothing to do with. Like when that guy with soy bomb painted on his chest interrupted Bob Dylan's performance. Like when Ol' Dirty Bastard—may he rest in peace—stormed the stage and interrupted Shawn Colvin's acceptance speech to bitch about losing to Puff Daddy. Invite these people back and encourage their misbehavior. You'll like ODB. He's dead.

4. GIVE DYLAN A GRAMMY EVERY YEAR. Worth it just to hear the insanely random magnetic-poetry-style speech. If we recall correctly, a couple of years ago he thanked Woody Guthrie, Allen Ginsberg, his handheld vacuum cleaner, and the letter Q. Priceless.

5. PLEASE, FINALLY EXPLAIN THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN SONG OF THE YEAR AND RECORD OF THE YEAR. But remember, no matter what you say, it still seems retarded.

Thanks for reading, Grammy. Have fun in Los Angeles.

As always, make sure Chuck Mangione gets a nice seat. And remind Ashlee Simpson's drummer to press the right song.

Sincerely,
GQ

P.S. If Sting farted into a Ziploc, would it get Song of the Year or Record of the Year?

The Actual Gollum Wasn't Nearly This Stupid...

(from The Sun Online)

Lord Of The Rings fan Julian Brooker was electrocuted on a rail line while imitating his favourite character Gollum. The 23-year-old scampered about on all fours like the 4ft hobbit and then pretended to touch a live track to impress his boozy friends. Unfortunately, for Julian, he accidentally touched what happened to be a 750-volt third rail. The event struck after he and pals spent a night drinking on the beach near his Brighton home on October 23 last year.

Friend Eva Natasha wept as she told an inquest how they went to London Road station at 4am and began playing “the Gollum game”. She described how Julian clambered from the platform on to the line. She said: "He touched a rail and pretended to be electrocuted. I didn’t find it funny, but assumed he knew what he was doing. Then he touched the live rail..."

Yesterday’s hearing was told Julian often got on all fours and pretended he was the evil character from the hit movie trilogy. East Sussex coroner Veronica Hamilton-Deeley was also told Brooker was a keen numerologist obsessed with the number 23 and went drinking on that date every month.

More demented humor...

Scandalous!

A major legal controversy is swirling around MGM DVD copies with over 300 titles being affected by an aspect ratio problem. According to CHUD.com, claims have gone up that state MGM Home Video has been misleading about the films they're marketing as widescreen, rather cutting the top and bottom off of pan and scan transfers and billing it as widescreen, as the aspect ratio is still correct.

Amongst the titles that may have been affected are "1984", "24 Hour Party People", "The Amityville Horror", "Annie Hall", "Barbershop", "The Birdcage", "City Slickers", "The Dark Half", "Dead Man Walking", "Desperately Seeking Susan", "Dirty Rotten Scoundrels", "Dr. No", "Four Weddings & A Funeral", "From Russia With Love", "Goldfinger", "Gorky Park", "Hannibal", "The Hound of the Baskervilles", "Invasion of the Body Snatchers", "The Island of Dr. Moreau", "Jeepers Creepers", "Mannequin", "Man in the Moon", "The Man with the Golden Gun", "Midnight Cowboy", "Mississippi Burning", "Mystic Pizza", "Phantasm", "Platoon", "Raging Bull", "Rain Man", "Scanners", "Shallow Grave", "Some Like it Hot", "Spaceballs", "The Terminator", "Wargames" and "Y Tu Mama Tambien".

Blogger's Note: The DVD Geek inside of me cries out for retribution!

Everybody's Doing It

Curious to know just how popular video gaming is these days? For all of 2004, video games flew off the shelves at a rate of 8 titles per second.

(from the Entertainment Software Association)

The Razzies

LOS ANGELES (Reuters) - This could be the year in which Alexander the Great conquers Catwoman and President Bush wins a prize as worst actor.

Nominations for the 25th annual Razzies, which honor the worst films of the year, were announced on Monday with "Catwoman," the Halle Berry box office bomb, besting "Alexander," Oliver Stone's much maligned tale of the bleached blond conqueror, by seven nominations to six.

In addition, the president made the list for worst actor for his film clip appearances in "Fahrenheit 9/11," a movie he might well consider the worst of the year. Also nominated for their appearances in the politically-charged film about the Iraq war were Secretary of State-designate Condoleezza Rice and Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld.

The Razzies are a traditional spoof award made at Oscar time by the non-profit Golden Raspberry Award Foundation. The group's prizes are given out on Feb. 26, the day before the Oscars. Never has one of its films gone on to win an Oscar.

"Catwoman" and "Alexander" were nominated for Worst Picture, a category which also drew "SuperBabies: Baby Geniuses 2," Ben Affleck's career-eroding "Surviving Christmas," and "White Chicks," the Wayans brothers dress-up, gender-bending comedy that left critics cold.

Bush was nominated for worst actor along with Affleck for "Surviving Christmas" and "Jersey Girl," Vin Diesel for "Chronicles of Riddick," Colin Farrell for "Alexander." Ben Stiller was nominated for "Along Came Polly," "Anchorman," "Dodgeball," "Envy" and "Starsky & Hutch."

Halle Berry was nominated for worst actress for "Catwoman," Hilary Duff for "Cinderella Story" and "Raise Your Voice," Angelina Jolie for "Alexander" and "Taking Lives," Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen for "New York Minute" and Shawn and Marlon Wayans in their incarnation as the Wayans sisters in "White Chicks."

The nominations for worst screen couple include: Ben Affleck and either Jennifer Lopez or Liv Tyler in "Jersey Girl," Halle Berry and either Benjamin Bratt or Sharon Stone in "Catwoman, George W. Bush and either Rice or his pet goat in "Fahrenheit 9/11," the Olsen twins in "New York Minute," the Wayans Brothers, in or out of drag, in "White Chicks."

Worst supporting actress were Carmen Electra for "Starsky & Hutch," Jennifer Lopez for "Jersey Girl," Rice for "Fahrenheit 9/11," Britney Spears for her cameo role in that same movie and Sharon Stone for "Catwoman."

Val Kilmer was nominated for worst supporting actor for "Alexander." Also nominated were California Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger for "Around The World in 80 Days," Rumsfeld for "Fahrenheit 9/11," Jon Voight for SuperBabies: Baby Geniuses 2" and Lambert Wilson for "Catwoman."

"Catwoman" led with seven nominations to six for Alexander, five for "Fahrenheit 9/11," five "White Chicks," and four for "SuperBabies."

Blogger's Note: I think this is Affleck's year!

The media did a pretty good job of hiding these folks, but it should be noted that thousands of protestors lined the inaugural parade route last week. All the half-hearted pledges for peace, Hilary Duff concerts, and silver-dipped cowboy boot centerpieces can't disguise the fact that this country is fiercely divided with a president who is still wearing rose-colored glasses with his head in the clouds after four years. Oh, btw, yes they really did have centerpieces made of cowboy boots dipped in silver at one of 9 inaugural balls held for GW. This particular gala was called the 'Texas Black Tie & Boots Ball' and also featured live armadillos and 20,000 yellow roses. I certainly hope they had a live feed setup for the troops over in Iraq.

Stupid, Talentless Nickelback

If you play Nickelback's two biggest hits simultaneously, the songs are almost indistinguishable. Here is the proof:

http://www.i-am-bored.com/bored_link.cfm?link_id=7800

Cabin Fever

For those of us who are snowed-in this Sunday, here's a small but tremendously interesting list of random facts.

• Levi blue jeans were priced at $13.50 per dozen in 1874.
• Money isn't made out of paper- it's made out of linen.
• And following on that theme, the first condoms, which date back to the 1500's, were made of linen.
• Most lipstick contains fish scales.
• Two out of three car buyers pay the sticker price without haggling.
• Most american car horns honk in the key of F.
• If you put a raisin in a glass of champagne, it will continuously sink to the bottom and rise to the top.
• Cocaine used to be sold as a cure for sore throat, headache, colds and sleeplessness in the 1880's.
• Hershey's Kisses were named so because the machine that makes them looks like it's kissing the conveyor belt.
• The very first US consumer product sold in the Soviet Union was Pepsi Cola.

One-Trick Pony

I keep thinking about what a garbled mess The Village turned out to be. That film was really a disappointment from top to bottom. You can't expect to hit continuous home runs if people are able to anticipate your moves. Hm, that came dangerously close to a baseball analogy right there. Anyway, The Sixth Sense came out of nowhere with a terrific script and a great twist ending that you can't expect to duplicate over and over again. The script felt fresh and original because it was. After four movies, Shyamalan has painted himself into a corner. I could tell that he wanted to do something more with The Village, which is why I felt like it was trying to be two movies. Part of it was an intriguing social commentary while the other was the familiar horror/suspense schtick we expect from his work. There was a sprinkling of a love story as well which wasn't given nearly enough attention and fell completely flat. The Village wasn't career suicide for Shyamalan but I really think it's time for him to branch out into other genres. We've seen glimpses of comedic talent in his scripts, I'd like to see him explore that further. He understands people very well and he has a knack for entertaining a broad audience- he's a lot like Spielberg in that regard. But when you compare his work to the films of Senior Spielbergo- Jaws, Indiana Jones, The Color Purple, E.T., Schindler's List, Minority Report, etc.- you can see the glaring difference between a one-trick pony and a great filmmaker.

Kinsey Review

If you don't know what Dr. Alfred Kinsey did, do a Google search on the name because I don't feel like typing it all out. (You'll never get that kind of up-front honesty from a Gene Shalit review, I assure you.) The film Kinsey, by director Bill Condon who did the fantastic Gods & Monsters back in 1998, takes a look at the doctor's struggle with opening people's minds to the idea of sexual independence and understanding. Kinsey was a man with tunnel vision; he was so focused on his research that he naturally treated everyone as test subjects, even the people closest to him. I read a quote somewhere that stated, "Alfred Kinsey studied human behavior but knew almost nothing about human nature." Ultimately, through much controversy, Kinsey managed to re-define what was thought of as 'normal sexual behavior' in America. He introduced the general public to the idea that sex often occurs out of wed-lock and that homosexuality is far more common than anyone previously thought. I'm purposely trying to remain vague here because I don't want to give away too many plot points of the movie. Liam Neeson, Laura Linney and Peter Sarsgaard are all fantastic in what could very well be Oscar-nominated performances for all three of them. Speaking of Oscars, it seems that Kinsey would be a shoe-in for a Best Picture nom this year. It's simply a very well put-together film through and through. Dr. Kinsey's struggles with morality couldn't be more timely with the current state of the country. I was left contemplating just how far we've come in the past 50 years. We are able to see endless streams of violence without batting an eye, but to see a breast or penis is almost unthinkable by a lot of people's standards. It seems apparent that we have fallen behind many other countries with accepting our own bodies along with sexual expression. I would love to hear Dr. Kinsey's interpretation of the Janet Jackson Super Bowl incident.

Torrey's Opinion:
5- Strongly Recommended
4- Recommended
3- A Mixed Bag
2- Sub-par
1- Don't Bother

Random Related Fact: The film, which had to cover the scope of Kinsey's 15 years of research along with the 18,000 interviews he gathered, was shot in only 37 days.

I'm Still An X-Phile At Heart

(from The Sun Online)

The truth is still out there - and X Files agents Mulder and Scully are on their way back to discover it.

In an exclusive interview David Duchovny, who played Fox Mulder in the cult sci-fi TV series for eight years, told us he and the show’s creator Chris Carter are planning on making a sequel to their 1998 movie.

The 44-year-old said: "It’s always been my desire to turn The X Files into a film franchise.

"We’re hoping to get together just under a year from now and make another X Files movie.

"Chris is working on the script right now with Frank Spotnitz, who was one of the writers on the show.

"Gillian Anderson who played Dana Scully hasn’t signed yet, but we’d need to have her on board.

"When I’ve talked to Chris about the film, we’ve both said we want to start filming in winter 2005 and bring it out in the summer of 2006."

David and Gillian stopped making The X Files – a show packed full of alien chasing and conspiracy solving – in 2002 in a bid to pursue other projects.

He’s gone on to star in movies including Connie And Carla, Full Frontal and House Of D, while Gillian has appeared on the West End stage in What the Night Is For and will be on BBC1 shortly in the station’s adaptation of Charles Dickens’ Bleak House.

And while David doesn’t know exactly what Chris’s script for the reunion X Files film contains, he said it won’t be picking up the storyline from the show’s final episode.

"I think we’re going back to the ‘monster of the week’ type feel, where if you’re not an avid fan and don’t understand the mythology you can still come to it and get the movie," the actor revealed.

This is one of the lamest toys I've seen in awhile. The box announces the prospects of 'mix 'n match fun!' but seriously, how many possible outcomes can this Mr. Potato Head have? Helmet on...helmet off. Clearly the think tank was empty after they came up with the punny name.

The Mob Has Spoken

"FAMILY GUY" SET FOR FREAKIN' SWEET SEASON PREMIERE SUNDAY, MAY 1, ON FOX

FAMILY GUY is back by popular demand with all-new episodes beginning Sunday, May 1 (9:00-9:30 PM ET/PT) on FOX, it was announced today by Gail Berman, President, Entertainment for the Fox Broadcasting Co.

Since its debut in 1999, the Emmy-nominated animated series has attracted an impressively loyal following of devoted fans and has sold over 3.5 million combined DVD units, making it the fourth-largest TV series seller ever.

Creator/executive producer Seth MacFarlane will continue to serve up the distinctively twisted and irreverently outrageous trials and tribulations of PETER GRIFFIN (MacFARLANE) and his not-quite-so-average family of middle-class New Englanders. LOIS (Alex Borstein) is Peter's loving wife, who struggles to maintain a modicum of normalcy in their home life. Then there are their kids: angst-ridden, 16-year-old MEG (Mila Kunis), who only really wants to be noticed; 13-year-old CHRIS (Seth Green), a sweet-natured slacker; and 1-year-old STEWIE (MacFarlane), a diabolically clever baby who's already bent on world domination. Rounding out the Griffin household is BRIAN (MacFarlane), the brainy family pooch who likes his martinis as dry as his Mighty Dog.

Blogger's Note: To my knowledge, this is the first time in TV history that a show has been cancelled and then brought back on the same network under the same name.

Tony insisted that I post this picture. Take from it what you will.

What In The World...

(from ananova.com)

US military chiefs have considered, at one point, developing an 'aphrodisiac' chemical weapon that would make enemy troops sexually irresistible to each other. The Sunshine Project, which exposes research into chemical and biological weapons, revealed the plans, according to New Scientist.

Provoking widespread homosexual behaviour among troops would cause a "distasteful but completely non-lethal" blow to morale, the proposal says.

Other ideas included chemical weapons that attract swarms of enraged wasps or angry rats to troop positions, making them uninhabitable. Another was to develop a chemical that caused 'severe and lasting halitosis', to identify guerrillas trying to blend in with civilians. There was also an idea to make troops' skin unbearably sensitive to sunlight.

The proposals, from the US Air Force Wright Laboratory in Dayton, Ohio, apparently date from 1994. The lab sought Pentagon funding for research into what it called "harassing, annoying and 'bad guy'-identifying chemicals".

Sunshine Project spokesman said it was not known if the proposed six-year research plan was pursued.

Blogger's Note: I smell a new Tom Clancy novel.

A Man Of Integrity

During a round-table interview with reporters from 14 newspapers, the president, who not long ago declined to identify any mistakes he'd made during his first term, expressed misgivings for two of his most famous expressions: "Bring 'em on," in reference to Iraqis attacking U.S. troops, and his vow to get Osama bin Laden "dead or alive."

"Sometimes, words have consequences you don't intend them to mean," Bush said Thursday. "'Bring 'em on' is the classic example, when I was really trying to rally the troops and make it clear to them that I fully understood, you know, what a great job they were doing. And those words had an unintended consequence. It kind of, some interpreted it to be defiance in the face of danger. That certainly wasn't the case."

Blogger's note: Only so many ways you can mis-interpret 'dead or alive.' Not a lot of ambiguity there.

***

Reporters at Thursday's round-table also asked Bush about the high price tag for his second inaugural celebration and suggestions the $40 million gala, which is being paid for by private donations — much of it coming from lobbyists and corporations — be scaled down.

"The inauguration is a great festival of democracy," he said. "People are going to come from all over the country who are celebrating democracy and celebrating my victory, and I'm glad to celebrate with them."

Blogger's note: "Jesus Freaks with deep pockets and ties to big oil are going to come from all over the country..."

Reality TV Continues To Subside

CBS lost "The Will" after just one night.

This reality series, which logged a minuscule 4.2 million viewers on its premiere airing Saturday, has been axed by CBS, the network confirmed Wednesday. Despite heavy promotion, "The Will" ranked 79th place in viewers, according to Nielsen Media Research, making it CBS' lowest-ranked show of the week. (The week's most-watched show, CBS' "CSI," drew almost 29 million viewers.)

A rerun of CBS' Sunday crime drama "Cold Case" will plug the hole this Saturday, the network said.

A reality show whose 10 participants vied to be sole heir to the fortune of a 73-year-old rancher, "The Will" thus joins a handful of other one-shot blunders in TV history.

Commercial-Free Is The Way To Be

(from the Associated Press)

The battle between traditional radio operators and their satellite counterparts is moving to the next level.

Usually rivals, some of the nation's biggest radio companies are joining forces to combat the growing threat that satellite broadcasters represent to their listener base.

The Wall Street Journal reports radio executives this week will launch a new advertising campaign with the tagline "Radio — you hear it here first."

The Journal says major radio companies like Clear Channel Communications, Viacom's Infinity Broadcasting and Entercom Communications have banded together to create 30-second commercials. The ads will feature such stars as Avril Lavigne and Ludacris talking up local radio.

The companies are devoting an estimated $28 million of their airtime to the promotion.

The two big satellite services, Sirius Satellite Radio and XM Satellite Radio Holdings, say they have more than 4 million listeners between them.

Blogger's Note: Interesting that their method of combating commercial-free satellite radio is by running more commercials. I have XM Radio in my car and it's fantastic. There are no ads, there's no FCC regulation cause you pay for the service (a mere $9.99/month) and the DJ's talk about the music instead of a five-minute spiel on how great a Dunk-a-ccino is in the morning.

Responsible Gaming

New research released today by the Entertainment Software Association (ESA) shatters myths about the profile of typical American video game players, revealing that they regularly volunteer, exercise, and attend religious services.

According to a survey conducted by Peter D. Hart Research Associates, computer and video game players spend more than three times the amount of time exercising or playing sports, volunteering in the community, reading, or engaging in religious, creative, and cultural activities than they do playing video games. In total, gamers spend 23.4 hours per week on these activities, compared to 6.8 hours per week playing games. Avid gamers -- those who play games 11 or more hours per week -- spend 34.5 hours per week on the activities mentioned above.

"Gamers are everywhere and they're everyone. They are your friends, neighbors, co-workers, relatives, and kids, they lead responsible and caring lives, balancing their enjoyment of interactive entertainment with many other activities important to a well-rounded lifestyle," said Douglas Lowenstein, president of the ESA, the trade association representing U.S. computer and video game publishers. "Indeed, those who continue to portray the game population as single-minded loafers are living in their own fantasy world."