Geek Quotes FTW

The Board of Wisdom's Top 10 Best Geek Quotes:

1. There are 10 types of people in the world: those who understand binary, and those who don't.
2. My pokemon bring all the nerds to the yard, and they're like you wanna trade cards? Darn right, I wanna trade cards, I'll trade this but not my charizard.
3. Microsoft: "You've got questions. We've got dancing paperclips."
4. If at first you don't succeed; call it version 1.0
5. 1f u c4n r34d th1s u r34lly n33d t0 g37 l41d
6. Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is winning.
7. I'm not anti-social; I'm just not user friendly
8. I would love to change the world, but they won't give me the source code.
9. The glass is neither half-full nor half-empty: it's twice as big as it needs to be.
10. A computer lets you make more mistakes faster than any invention in human history - with the possible exceptions of handguns and tequila.

She Had It Coming

Oh, Inverted World

Some folks calling themselves VladStudio created this really cool vision of a "Reversed Earth," showing what the World might look like if land and water were flipped.

(You'll want to click on the image for a detailed view)

Musings Of A Hardcore Legend

In Mick Foley's latest book, he sums up the difference between a conservative and a liberal with a story involving a late-night road trip and two ill-fated raccoons. I found it to be rather insightful.

I have read articles ranging from speculative to scientific on the physical, genetic, or psychological differences between conservatives and liberals, which basically deal with whether political sensibilities are a learned or instilled behavior, or a combination of both. For me, it all comes down to my traumatic raccoon experience. A couple of years ago, I was heading out onto the highway, about half an hour into a four-hundred-mile trip. I've always loved the peace and solitude of the open road, especially when accompanied by some good tunes or a few promos to cut in my head during the course of a late-night sojourn. As a matter of fact, it's probably the thing I miss most about life on the road.

I was really looking forward to this particular drive when a raccoon suddenly darted out into the middle of the highway. I swerved to avoid the little masked bandit, but in doing so, hit a second raccoon whose presence had, until that last split second, been unknown to me. It was a direct hit, a sickening thud that left no doubt as to its victim's fate - roadkill for sure. I turned to my right to see the first raccoon scamper off into the safety of the roadside brush. And in that one moment, my entire trip was ruined. No number of quality tunes could assuage the sadness I felt. Not so much for the dead raccoon, for his demise had been quick, relatively painless, and honorable - after all, it had been the hardcore legend who got him. No, my sorrow was reserved for the surviving raccoon, who would be left to wander aimlessly, ransacking suburban garbage cans without the special friend my Chevy Impala had made such an impression on.

Look, there's no way to rationalize this type of reaction. You're either going to care about the sadness of a surviving raccoon or you're not. You're either going to hit that thing, pop in a CD, and continue your drive unaffected, of you're going to do four hundred miles behind the wheel with a heavy heart.

So if that makes me a bleeding heart, I guess I'll wear that badge with pride.

Walk It Off

I'm not trying to offend anyone here, but I really disagree with allowing fat people to park in handicap spaces. If anything, they should have to park farther away because the walk would do them good.

It's A Buyer's Market For Haunted Lighthouses

FAIRFIELD, Conn. - For sale: $1 property surrounded by Long Island Sound off the coast of Fairfield. Must be able to cope with possible haunting.

The U.S. General Services Administration is seeking a buyer for the Penfield Lighthouse, built in 1874 about 1.1 miles from Fairfield Beach. It is said to be the site of strange occurrences following the drowning of lighthouse keeper Frederick Jordan in 1916.

The agency is offering the lighthouse for $1 in “as is” condition to local, state or federal government agencies or nonprofit organizations. Those interested will have to submit an application identifying their proposed uses of the lighthouse, besides that of a navigational beacon, and how they will pay for that use and maintenance.

Fairfield First Selectman Kenneth Flatto said the town is very interested in acquiring the property, which is listed on the National Register of Historic Places.

The 51-foot-tall lighthouse sits on a concrete foundation surrounded by rocks. It is attached to a two-story keeper’s residence.

According to legend, Jordan drowned in December 1916 when his boat capsized near the lighthouse and appeared as a ghost two weeks later to his assistant, Rudolph Iten, the Connecticut Post reported yesterday.

Iten took over for Jordan after his death. In his log, Iten wrote that Jordan’s apparition glided down the tower’s stairs and disappeared into darkness. Iten then found the keeper’s log opened to the page that documented Jordan’s death, the Post reported.

(from bostonherald.com)

Color Me Surprised

So I watched The Devil Wears Prada on HBO today and I actually really enjoyed it. I couldn't care less about the world of fashion, but this worked for me. Go figure.

The Absolute Worst

I just have to say that I have found no greater source of frustration in life than in dealing with the people of Time Warner Cable. I loathe that company with every fiber of my being.

My 2nd Emo Post

I saw this on a t-shirt today and it made me laugh.

College Professors, Take Note

Ron Hammond, Phd, professor at Utah Valley State College, has quit using textbooks in his classes. Why? They're too expensive.

The cost of textbooks is rising faster than inflation and Hammond doesn't feel right forcing his students to purchase ever more expensive books on top of their already expensive tuition and fees.

"I think it's immoral because of the cost of it," Hammond told the Central Utah Daily Herald.

Instead of textbooks, Hammond has been assigning journal articles and other reading materials that his students can check out from the library or download from the internet, a practice which, if every one of their professors did it, would save students (on average) $900 a year.

It took Hammond a year to rewrite his own curriculum, after throwing out all his old textbooks. "It was worth it in the long run," Hammond said.

(from The Consumerist)

Number 15 Should Be Higher On The List

Here are the Top 25 Greatest Simpsons Quotes according to Blogzarro.com:

1. Homer: D’oh.
2. Ralph: Me fail English? That’s unpossible.
3. Lionel Hutz: This is the greatest case of false advertising I’ve seen since I sued the movie “The Never Ending Story.”
4. Sideshow Bob: No children have ever meddled with the Republican Party and lived to tell about it.
5. Troy McClure: Don’t kid yourself, Jimmy. If a cow ever got the chance, he’d eat you and everyone you care about!
6. Comic Book Guy: The Internet King? I wonder if he could provide faster nudity…
7. Homer: Oh, so they have Internet on computers now!
8. Ned Flanders: I’ve done everything the Bible says — even the stuff that contradicts the other stuff!
9. Comic Book Guy: Your questions have become more redundant and annoying than the last three “Highlander” movies.
10. Chief Wiggum: Uh, no, you got the wrong number. This is 9-1…2.
11. Sideshow Bob: I’ll be back. You can’t keep the Democrats out of the White House forever, and when they get in, I’m back on the streets, with all my criminal buddies.
12. Homer: When I held that gun in my hand, I felt a surge of power…like God must feel when he’s holding a gun.
13. Nelson: Dad didn’t leave… When he comes back from the store, he’s going to wave those pop-tarts right in your face!
14. Milhouse: Remember the time he ate my goldfish? And you lied and said I never had goldfish. Then why did I have the bowl, Bart? *Why did I have the bowl?*
15. Lionel Hutz: Well, he’s kind of had it in for me ever since I accidentally ran over his dog. Actually, replace “accidentally” with “repeatedly” and replace “dog” with “son.”
16. Comic Book Guy: Last night’s “Itchy and Scratchy Show” was, without a doubt, the worst episode *ever.* Rest assured, I was on the Internet within minutes, registering my disgust throughout the world.
17. Homer: I’m normally not a praying man, but if you’re up there, please save me, Superman.
18. Homer: Save me, Jeebus.
19. Mayor Quimby: I stand by my racial slur.
20. Comic Book Guy: Oh, loneliness and cheeseburgers are a dangerous mix.
21. Homer: You don’t like your job, you don’t strike. You go in every day and do it really half-assed. That’s the American way.
22. Chief Wiggum: Fat Tony is a cancer on this fair city! He is the cancer and I am the…uh…what cures cancer?
23. Homer: Bart, with $10,000 we’d be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like…love!
24. Homer: Fame was like a drug. But what was even more like a drug were the drugs.
25. Homer: Books are useless! I only ever read one book, “To Kill A Mockingbird,” and it gave me absolutely no insight on how to kill mockingbirds! Sure it taught me not to judge a man by the color of his skin…but what good does *that* do me?

Bush Vs. PBS

The House on Wednesday evening overwhelmingly rejected President Bush's plan to eliminate the $420 million federal subsidy for the Corporation for Public Broadcasting.

The 357-72 vote demonstrated the enduring political strength of public broadcasting. The outcome was never in doubt, unlike a fight two years ago when Republicans tried but failed to slash public broadcasting subsidies.

The move to kill subsidies for the CPB, which make up about 15 percent of its budget, was launched by Rep. Doug Lamborn, R-Colorado.

"Taxpayers are being asked to pay more in taxes because Congress is not willing to make hard choices and balance our spending with our income," Lamborn said.
Congress created the corporation in 1967 to shield public broadcasting from political influence. The CPB distributes federal subsidies to PBS, National Public Radio and hundreds of public radio and television stations.

"It is providing a voice for America, a noncommercial, independent voice that is sadly lacking. It isn't available any place else in the million channels on our cable networks," said Rep. Earl Blumenauer, D-Oregon.

(from cnn.com)

Blogger's Note: It's nice to see some measure of sanity coming out of Washington.

I Need This Controversy Settled As Only Democracy Can

Final Results (7/26/07):

What color socks should be worn with khakis and black shoes?

Tan - 11%
Black - 56%
White - 11%
Grey - 22%

Thanks to all who provided feedback!

Telling It Like It is

(from wired.com)

It's hard to believe, but every so often the developers at E3 forget that they're talking to a room full of journalists and they say something that they probably shouldn't.

A developer was demonstrating her team's multiplatform game for myself and two other journalists, both of whom happened to have been from Xbox-specific outlets. She jokingly asked if it was ok that we were going to see the Wii version, and the two guys chucklingly assured her that yeah, that was fine.

Picking up the controls, she began sorting through the debug menu to get to the bit of the game that she actually wanted to show us, making idle chitchat as she did so.

"Of course this will be on the 360, too. We love the 360. Hoo, we love it." Pause as she waited for the demo to load. "We love the Wii, too, it's a lot of fun. Playstation, pfffffffft. Gah." One of the Xbox guys laughs at that and she goes on to say how hard it is to "get anything to run on that box."

A Notice For All You Pack Rats

If you happen to have an Osama Bin Laden stashed away somewhere, the US Senate just voted 87-1 in favor of doubling the reward for his death or capture to $50 million.

A Unique Hidden Gusset, You Say? I'll Take Two!

Get a load of that behind! He's all man, that's for sure.

The Circus Is In Town

What happens when the tallest man in the world meets the shortest? You get a really creepy picture like the one found below.

Here we see Mr. Xishun, sporting his Dorothy Zbornak look, shaking hands with Mr. Ping Ping, who is understandably feeling a tad overdressed.

How The Mighty Have Fallen

(the following is an excerpt from TV Critic Ian Jones' article "Rise And Fall Of A Comic Genius" which was originally published in The Guardian.)

Once, it was the greatest show on TV. Every episode was brimming with imagination, excitement and some of the sharpest one-liners to come out of America for decades. But above all it was smart: The Simpsons knew how to parry crudity with intelligence blow for blow. Bart's big-haired nemesis Sideshow Bob stepping on a rake nine times would be followed up with a surreal two-minute performance of HMS Pinafore. Homer lobbing a lookalike of himself over a waterfall would be followed by a reference to Walt Whitman's collection of poems, Leaves and Grass. This was dizzyingly intelligent, daring, exhilarating stuff. For every burp gag came an arch pop-culture reference. For every time Homer fell down the stairs or Bart got strangled, we had a nifty TV parody or sly political dig.

And it kept on coming, week after week. An entire generation didn't understand it. George Bush senior, then US president, even wished aloud that American families could be more like the Waltons than the Simpsons. A massive rift opened up between those who "got" The Simpsons and those who hated it. You chose your side carefully. To be a Simpsons fan was truly one of the most privileged things in the world.

Then it all changed. A new guard took over and ripped up the rules. Veterans of the show with pedigrees on venerated US comedy institutions like Saturday Night Live and The Tonight Show - Jon Vitti, George Meyer, John Schwartzwelder - either departed or went part-time. In came writers who had cut their teeth on sappy teen comedies like Blossom and unsophisticated knockabouts like Beavis and Butt-Head. A looser, lazier sensibility took hold, given free rein by new executive producer Mike Scully. And the show became stupid.

You can even put a date on it: 1997, in the early episodes of the ninth series, where the head of Bart's school, Principal Skinner, was suddenly, arbitrarily revealed to be an impostor, and his entire life to date had been a lie. Come again? A major character in a long-running series gets unmasked as a fraud? It was cheap, idle storytelling.

This was just the start. The show went on to jettison all interest in pretending to have earthy, avuncular roots: the warm, good-natured centre that, when you scraped away the multi-layered jokes and cerebral grandstanding, had been there from day one was obliterated. No longer did we see the family bonding, caring for each other, showing emotion. Instead, it was anything goes.

Plots swung sickeningly from one cliche to another. Jokes arrived out of the blue for no reason. No attempt was made to cling to reality. Now Homer would end up in new employment six or seven times a series. To date, he's held 118 (and counting) jobs, from missionary to garbage commissioner to grease salesman to fortune cookie writer, which wouldn't be such a damning statistic had almost none of them been particularly funny.

True, a long-running series has to evolve. Nobody would expect Simpsons episodes to still be solely about Lisa getting a pony or Bart failing a school exam. But, in the second decade of its life, The Simpsons evolved into a dreadfully predictable monster. With each new series came the same questions. Which foreign country will the family just happen to end up visiting this time? Which pop star will the family just happen to encounter while there? And what unsubtle bit of physical violence will Homer be subjected to en route? Contract leprosy, perhaps; get raped by a panda; or maybe get his head trapped between two halves of a lowering drawbridge?

This was change all right, but change as an excuse for idiocy. It was desperately disheartening for those who cherished and loved the show's early years. Watching Homer hold forth on the topless women he'd seen on holiday in Florida, or Marge accidentally getting breast implants, you wanted everything to be revealed as a huge wind-up, or a cunning satire on trashy TV. But there was no hidden agenda. What you saw was what you got: a base, repetitive, unfunny cartoon.

Blogger's Note: This guy really hit the nail on the head. I've said for years that The Simpsons stopped being good around season 10. It's a real bummer when a show is dragged on for too long instead of finishing on a high, with dignity.

I Really Like Chicken Salad

Quote of the day once again belongs to Jeremy...

"I'm quick to assume the worst when it comes to people's use of mayo. It's my one and only fault."

-Jeremy Snell

Smut For Smut

(from xbiz)

A group of atheists at the University of Texas at San Antonio is putting a novel twist on the toys-for-guns programs run by many urban police departments. But instead of toys, they are handing out porn in exchange for bibles.

“We consider the bible to be a very negative force in the history of the world,” student Ryan Walker said. Walker is part of a student group that calls itself the Atheist Agenda.

Club members this week posted fliers promoting what they call the “Smut for Smut” campaign then set up a table in the student union to collect religious materials and pass out adult magazines such as Black Label and Playboy.

The group is not officially sanctioned by the university and has raised the ire of several religious organizations on campus.

“In my opinion, there are no atheists. There are fools,” Pastor Rick Hawkins of UTSA’s Family Praise Center said. “So, that would be foolish propaganda. I don't know one believer that would take his Bible and turn it in for pornography.”

Hawkins obviously didn’t stop by the Atheist Agenda table, where several students had dropped off copies of the good book and walked away with skin mags.

Athiest Agenda isn’t the first student group to explore the idea of introducing porn to former bible toters. Members say they got the idea from students in Austin who ran a similar pro-porn drive.

Walker added that members thought it sounded like a creative way to exercise their freedom of speech.

(Special thanks to Bryan for sharing the link)

They May Take Our Lives, But They'll Never Take Our Allspark!

Here's another quote of the day winner:


Regarding the Transformers movie...

"I wanted it to be Braveheart starring Optimus Prime."

-Chris Brewer

Fun With Post-Its

If a friend of yours ever purchases a $60,000 Jaguar, this would be a great prank to pull on them.

Transformers Review

HIGHS

• I went into this movie with one expectation: to see giant robots tear shit up. And that expectation was most definitely fulfilled.
• Unlike the Star Wars prequels, the Transformers movie was not a bastardization of my childhood. I would say they did a pretty admirable job or transferring the material to a live action, real-world format. What would sound pretty hokey on paper, was made to seem as credible as possible on film.
• Pound for pound, probably the best special effects ever seen in a film. You will believe the robots are real. Exceptional work across the board.
• The movie had a good sense of humor about it. A tad hokey at times, but never too much so. For the most part the jokes really worked and the dialogue wasn't painful. A relatively consistent tone was maintained, even when things got crazy.
• As far as summer action movies go, Transformers makes Spider-man 3 look like amateur hour at The Apollo.
• I distinctly remember a point in the movie where the action was so intense that I could feel my heart pounding in my chest. That's gotta count for something.
• I read a quote from Spielberg the other day saying that Transformers was "a movie Michael Bay was born to direct." I guess he was probably right about that.
  

LOWS

• This IS a Michael Bay movie, so the script isn't perfect. There were a lot of plot points that could have been flushed out better. If the quality of the story were on par with the action scenes, this would be some cinematic gold.
• The majority of the Decepticons were introduced fairly late in the film and seemed kind of rushed. I didn't feel that the notion of a "war between Autobots and Decepticons" was ever fully realized. Felt more like a localized threat, rather than a global one.
• What is Michael Bay's fascination with flares?
  

Torrey's Opinion:
5- Strongly Recommended
4- Recommended
3- A Mixed Bag
2- Sub-par
1- Don't Bother

Random related fact: It took approximately 38 hours for the animators at Industrial Light & Magic to render one frame of the CGI animation to portray the Transformers. This breaks the record set by Weta Workshop for The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers (2002), where it took 20 hours to animate a frame of CGI to portray the Ent, Treebeard.

Important Question

What would happen if you put actress Minnie Driver into a Mini Cooper S? Would the universe implode if Minnie Driver became a Mini driver? Has anyone dared to test this theory? Is this my most frivolous blog entry yet?

Five Lessons Learned From Watching Die Hard

5) It Is Impossible To Get Fired From The Police Force
NYPD, LAPD, it doesn't matter. We haven't worked out the exact science on this, but there is definitely a direct correlation between throwing Hans Gruber off a building and total immunity. Seriously, you cannot blow up enough buildings, crash enough cars or drink enough booze to ever get fired.

Lesson learned: As we understand it, joining the police force means we can ignore the orders of our superiors and kill whomever the hell we want every single Christmas and no one will care. Taking out maybe one or two terrorists a year evidently gives us the total freedom to wreck boats, drive cars through helicopters and generally avoid doing any actual police work.

Honestly, in Live Free or Die Hard, an on-duty John McClane just hung around Rutgers terrorizing his daughter's boyfriend for about 20 minutes. Why was he doing that instead of protecting innocent people from deranged stalkers? Shut the fuck up, that's why.

4) Every Single German Is A Dick
Go ahead and take a random sample. Pick any one of the German characters who have appeared in a Die Hard film. Really, close your eyes and pick any goddamn one: We guarantee you that he (or she) is a total bastard. And, we're not just looking at one movie: We've got four movies here that span about two decades. That is more than enough evidence. Ten out of 10 German guys that have gotten in McClane's way have been total dicks. It naturally follows that 10 out of 10 German people in the real world are to be mistrusted and shot on sight. Go ahead and try to argue with math, we dare you.

Bonus: With the addition of a handful of evil French bastards in Live Free or Die Hard, just to be safe, we might as well change the category to include all foreigners in general.

3) Black People Can't Wait To Help You
Whether you're murdering a guy for holding your wife hostage or simply murdering that same guy's brother for no good reason, there will undoubtedly be a zany black stereotype who just can't wait to help you. If you're driving around Harlem and you need directions or a light, well you're screwed. But if you need someone to follow you around all day and help you blow up terrorists, there will be a line of eager, wacky black folks who want nothing more than to quit their jobs and help you while pointing out the subtle differences between black and white people.

Note: If you completely run out of black people, Justin Long is just as talkative and quirky, though significantly less zany.

2) A Well-Timed "Yippee Ki Yay, Motherfucker" Will Get You Out Of Any Jam
Watching the Die Hard documentaries (Diecumentaries), one might think that all confidently saying “Yippee Ki Yay, Motherfucker” does is make you bulletproof—but that is, as advanced students will recognize, a gross understatement. It just happens that Professor McClane only uses the phrase when he's about to dive face-first into a tornado of bullets and accents, but don't let his sparing use of the ol' YKYMF fool you; its powers are almost limitless.

Truth be told, “Yippee Ki Yay, Motherfucker” has, without fail, helped us out in all of the following areas:

* Parking tickets
* Jury duty
* Heart surgery
* Out of toilet paper
* Bees
* 12-page paper on post-colonial literature
* Wedding vows

Go ahead and try it out. There is not one problem you could possibly face whose solution isn't eight syllables of ass-kicking-American-cowboy awesomeness. “Yippee Ki Yay, Motherfucker” isn't just a tasty garnish for blowing up terrorists anymore.

1) Alcohol Makes You a Stronger, Louder, More Efficient American Killing Machine
Before we saw the Die Hard franchise, we thought alcohol was just something to get our moms through their pregnancies. Based on the Gospel according to McClane, however, we now know that you don't need assistance, shoes, a badge or even a reasonable excuse to blow up anyone or anything that (maybe) interferes with your God-given right to live free and/or die hard; you just need a socially degenerative drinking habit.

If these movies have taught us anything, (and this article pretty much lives and dies on the fact that they've taught us five things), it's that either binge-drinking or a hangover directly preceded 90 minutes of solid ass-kickery in every single movie. Step one: Drink. Step two: Save America.

So, the next time you catch a coworker drinking on the job, don't report him to your boss, ya narc. Or, when you see a homeless man desperately sucking out the last few drops of someone else's discarded bottle of wine, don't shake your head disapprovingly. Or, when you see your dad hurling slurred insults at those “filthy, job-stealing Mexicants,” do not rudely point out how you can completely understand why mom left. You thank them for their patriotism, and you get the hell out of their way.

(from cracked.com)

Some Polling Should Start Your July Off Swell

Final Results (7/10/07):

Which of these movie titles is the worst?

Stop! Or My Mom Will Shoot! - 0%
Bend It Like Beckham - 36% (tie)
Hope Floats - 18%
Operation Dumbo Drop - 36% (tie)
Breakin' 2: Electric Boogaloo - 9%


Apple iPhone...

I'm trendy and I want one! - 42%
$600? Give me a break - 58%


Which of these cereal mascots is most obnoxious?

Toucan Sam - 9%
Cap'n Crunch - 0%
Lucky The Leprechaun - 36% (tie)
The Trix Rabbit - 18%
Sonny "Cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs" - 36% (tie)

Thanks to all who participated!

My Kind Of Reading Material

It's pretty common knowledge that I get in a good deal of Sony-bashing on my blog. What can I say, they're an easy target. But I'm a fair man and more than willing to recognize when they actually come up with something clever. Just don't expect this to be a continuing trend...

Sunday Golf Reflections

I give you the quote of the day courtesy of my pal, Jeremy:

"I want to know who these people are at golf matches that yell, "Get in the hole!" after every swing. They need to be punched in the face."

-Jeremy Snell

Maybe They Should Call it "Delaystation"

Congratulations, Playstation 3! You finally got your very own Rainbow Six Vegas this week; the game I played through to completion over eight months ago on the Xbox 360.