Friday, January 30, 2009
Wednesday, January 28, 2009
Tuesday, January 27, 2009
Monday, January 26, 2009
Oh, But It Sounds So Tasty!
Men's Health magazine has released its annual "Worst Foods" list. Scoring the top spot as the absolute worst food in the country? A large Chocolate Oreo Shake from Baskin Robbins. This bad boy has 2,600 calories, 135 grams of fat (59 of which are saturated), 263 grams of sugar and 1,700 milligrams of sodium.
24's Most Ludicrous Moments
24 has always had as many ridiculous moments as it has awesome ones. On many occasions the moments were just ridiculously awesome. And that's why we love it. This contains some plot stuff so if that's an issue, you probably shouldn't read on. For the rest of us, let's reminisce.
Kim as a CTU Computer Specialist (Day 3)
Kim Bauer, the boy crazy high school dropout who once allowed a strange man to lead her to his mountain lair alone in the middle of the night, and who once escaped a murderer only to return to his house to get some stuff and almost get murdered for the second time in one day, by the same person, who gets taken hostage if you look at her wrong, and whose dumb ass stupidity is inarguably responsible for some of the most retarded 24 subplots in the show's history, is made a CTU analyst, entrusted with highly sensitive intelligence, and the safety of countless lives. Makes sense.
The Drazens Try to Coerce Jack Into Killing Senator Palmer in the Most Elaborate Revenge Plot Ever Hatched By Anyone (Day 1)
Oh no! Jack killed Victor Drazen! Several years ago! And David Palmer made him do it! And now Jack and Palmer must pay! Even though, why? It happened several years ago! Why not make them pay several years ago? And instead of just killing these two people (this was Season 1 after all, it's not like Andre and Alexis Drazen were yet aware of Jack's indestructibility), Victor Drazen's sons hatch a plan to kidnap Jack's wife and daughter and use them as leverage to make Jack assassinate Palmer, thus ending Palmer and dooming Jack to a lifetime prison sentence in order to avenge their father -- who didn't even turn out to be dead, by the way -- in the most ludicrously elaborate kill-two-birds-with-one-stone reasoning since the CIA's much-fabled "Dissolve Castro's beard. Take over Cuba. End communism" plan. That one failed too, surprisingly.
Mercenaries Would Prefer to Rape the Hot 17-Year-Old, But Will Settle for the Middle-Aged Soccer Mom Instead if Asked Politely (Day 1)
This may not be the most pleasant topic in 24 history, but it is definitely one of the most ludicrous, so here it is. In the midst of the Day 1 drama, Teri and Kim were abducted by a group of mercenaries, and one of their captors subsequently decided he'd like to have his way with Kim, because she is played by Elisha Cuthbert, who is hot, and he has a gun, so he can. Teri understandably doesn't want that to happen, so she does the only thing she can think of: offer herself instead. And this genius plan actually works. It may have saved the audience a great deal of cringing, but no way would any stone cold mercenary rapist choose Teri over Kim just because he was asked nicely.
Kim and That Damn Cougar (Day 2)
In between causing her police transport to crash and briefly shacking up with a lonely woodsman played by Johnny Drama -- literally, in his shack -- because he easily convinced her the world had ended, Kim Bauer found a way to stick her foot in a cougar trap. This aroused the attention of the cougar that had apparently been lying in wait for annoying story diversions to get caught in the trap meant for it, and Kim was bullied by a cougar for a while, because apparently some 24 writer stumbled across that plethora of Jack Bauer-meets-Beastmaster internet fan fiction and thought, "hey, awesome! This show is in need of more random ridiculousness!"
Tony Dies in Jack's Arms (Day 5), Tony Rises from the Dead (Day 7)
Tony's quite bad ass and all, but the only character who can feasibly drop dead and miraculously come back to life without a problem is Jack, and even he was only dead for a few seconds when he kicked it in Season 2. Tony, on the other hand, died from an overdose of a made up 24-verse chemical compound, was dead for 10 whole minutes, was miraculously revived, and, because he suffered no brain damage from being dead for 10 minutes, somehow, he managed to stay hidden from Jack effing Bauer for god knows how many years before showing up out of nowhere one day to hack all of the government's computers with a magical, made up device. Which may just be the most ludicrous thing that's ever happened on the show.
Teri Gets Amnesia (Day 1)
Giving a character amnesia in this day and age is just about the most objectionable plot device a television writer can use, especially when it's for no discernible reason. Which is what happened here. Teri thought Kim died, so her brain just kind of… erased itself. Which happens. The good news is that a little while later she was attacked again and her brain instantly recovered all of its files, because the brain totally works like that! And in between those two miracles she just kind of wandered around, asking questions and being confused, which in no way furthered the story or warranted such a dated and ludicrous stunt.
Jack is Surprisingly Good with the Developmentally Disabled (Day 6)
Jack Bauer's not really a guy who's known for his patient and nurturing soul. Which is why it was surprising when he was so comforting and understanding when interacting with a severely autistic nuclear bomb maker (yeah, that's a problem too) who was almost too stressed out about his wounded brother to participate in Jack's very important impromptu sting operation. And pretty unnecessary, actually. But the point is, Jack put on that soothing Sutherland timbre and babied him off the ledge with promises and child molester-y statements like "I'm not a stranger; I'm a police officer." Then he made the guy risk his life in an impromptu sting operation, and he got all kinds of shot at. The end. And that's how Jack Bauer (ludicrously) does Hallmark movies. Suck on that, Riding the Bus with My Sister.
A Super Clamp Leaves Jack with No Choice But to Hack Chase's Hand Off and Stick It in a Refrigerator for Safety Reasons (Day 3)
Poor, heroic Chase. When he realized the last vial of the impending mass pandemic of doom, the Cordilla Virus, was within his reach, he clamped it to himself so that it couldn't be released. The problem was, it wasn't an ordinary clamp. It was a super clamp! A super clamp so super not even Jack Bauer could remove it, so, with Chase's noble blessing, Jack improvised and chopped Chase's hand off, virus and all, and simply tossed it in a sealed location we all know as a "refrigerator." Which worked just as well as super clamping it to himself, but hey, Chase took the road less traveled.
President Palmer is Removed from Office for Being Hesitant to Start a Massive War Over Potentially Nothing (Day 2)
Much of Day 2's action centered around the "Cyprus recording," which was a recorded conversation between a terrorist group and some officials from various Middle Eastern countries discussing how they're totally going to nuke Los Angeles together. Holy crap, let's invade 'em, right?! Not so fast, said President David Palmer, who was being a total buzzkill, and asking for some liberal-ass "proof" that the voices on the recording were actually the officials they claimed to be before starting a war with a bunch of scary countries. Well, apparently the Founding Fathers foresaw a situation like this occurring, and made being a buzzkill a possible interpretation of just cause to remove a President from office, via the 25th Amendment, which is usually thought to be appropriate only for when Presidents are in a coma, but whatever. Palmer was removed from office briefly, and waddyaknow? The recording did turn out to be a fake, and he was reinstated, lesson never to disagree with anyone ever again fully learned.
Marwan Manages to Steal a Stealth Fighter from a US Air Base and Shoot Down Air Force One With It, and Both the President and the Nuclear Football Survive. (Day 4)
Look, we've never stolen a stealth fighter from a US Air Base, so maybe it's not as hard as it sounds. And hey, this is 24, and the impossible happens here! So, say Marwan was able to essentially hot-wire a stealth bomber from one of the U.S. military's proverbial parking garages. That we can accept. And it's not like we've ever shot down Air Force One, but that sounds like it's pretty hard too, especially when it's with a stealth bomber you've just stolen from a U.S. Air Base, and considering all of Air Force One's impressive evasive capabilities as demonstrated in the Harrison Ford caper, Air Force One. So that's all pretty unlikely and all, but hey, it could happen. It's 24! So you steal the stealth bomber somehow, you figure out Air Force One's flight coordinates, stealth flight on up to it using your stealth capabilities (that you'd think Air Force One would be outfitted to detect, considering it's a U.S. plane), manage to hit it, and it crashes -- everyone dies inside, right? Everyone but the President and his suitcase full of nuclear launch codes, that is! Insane. While those events were pretty cool to see, so are a lot of things one can find in a third grader's creative writing assignment, which is what it sounded like.
(from televisionwithoutpity.com. Also, thanks to Greg for the link)
Kim as a CTU Computer Specialist (Day 3)
Kim Bauer, the boy crazy high school dropout who once allowed a strange man to lead her to his mountain lair alone in the middle of the night, and who once escaped a murderer only to return to his house to get some stuff and almost get murdered for the second time in one day, by the same person, who gets taken hostage if you look at her wrong, and whose dumb ass stupidity is inarguably responsible for some of the most retarded 24 subplots in the show's history, is made a CTU analyst, entrusted with highly sensitive intelligence, and the safety of countless lives. Makes sense.
The Drazens Try to Coerce Jack Into Killing Senator Palmer in the Most Elaborate Revenge Plot Ever Hatched By Anyone (Day 1)
Oh no! Jack killed Victor Drazen! Several years ago! And David Palmer made him do it! And now Jack and Palmer must pay! Even though, why? It happened several years ago! Why not make them pay several years ago? And instead of just killing these two people (this was Season 1 after all, it's not like Andre and Alexis Drazen were yet aware of Jack's indestructibility), Victor Drazen's sons hatch a plan to kidnap Jack's wife and daughter and use them as leverage to make Jack assassinate Palmer, thus ending Palmer and dooming Jack to a lifetime prison sentence in order to avenge their father -- who didn't even turn out to be dead, by the way -- in the most ludicrously elaborate kill-two-birds-with-one-stone reasoning since the CIA's much-fabled "Dissolve Castro's beard. Take over Cuba. End communism" plan. That one failed too, surprisingly.
Mercenaries Would Prefer to Rape the Hot 17-Year-Old, But Will Settle for the Middle-Aged Soccer Mom Instead if Asked Politely (Day 1)
This may not be the most pleasant topic in 24 history, but it is definitely one of the most ludicrous, so here it is. In the midst of the Day 1 drama, Teri and Kim were abducted by a group of mercenaries, and one of their captors subsequently decided he'd like to have his way with Kim, because she is played by Elisha Cuthbert, who is hot, and he has a gun, so he can. Teri understandably doesn't want that to happen, so she does the only thing she can think of: offer herself instead. And this genius plan actually works. It may have saved the audience a great deal of cringing, but no way would any stone cold mercenary rapist choose Teri over Kim just because he was asked nicely.
Kim and That Damn Cougar (Day 2)
In between causing her police transport to crash and briefly shacking up with a lonely woodsman played by Johnny Drama -- literally, in his shack -- because he easily convinced her the world had ended, Kim Bauer found a way to stick her foot in a cougar trap. This aroused the attention of the cougar that had apparently been lying in wait for annoying story diversions to get caught in the trap meant for it, and Kim was bullied by a cougar for a while, because apparently some 24 writer stumbled across that plethora of Jack Bauer-meets-Beastmaster internet fan fiction and thought, "hey, awesome! This show is in need of more random ridiculousness!"
Tony Dies in Jack's Arms (Day 5), Tony Rises from the Dead (Day 7)
Tony's quite bad ass and all, but the only character who can feasibly drop dead and miraculously come back to life without a problem is Jack, and even he was only dead for a few seconds when he kicked it in Season 2. Tony, on the other hand, died from an overdose of a made up 24-verse chemical compound, was dead for 10 whole minutes, was miraculously revived, and, because he suffered no brain damage from being dead for 10 minutes, somehow, he managed to stay hidden from Jack effing Bauer for god knows how many years before showing up out of nowhere one day to hack all of the government's computers with a magical, made up device. Which may just be the most ludicrous thing that's ever happened on the show.
Teri Gets Amnesia (Day 1)
Giving a character amnesia in this day and age is just about the most objectionable plot device a television writer can use, especially when it's for no discernible reason. Which is what happened here. Teri thought Kim died, so her brain just kind of… erased itself. Which happens. The good news is that a little while later she was attacked again and her brain instantly recovered all of its files, because the brain totally works like that! And in between those two miracles she just kind of wandered around, asking questions and being confused, which in no way furthered the story or warranted such a dated and ludicrous stunt.
Jack is Surprisingly Good with the Developmentally Disabled (Day 6)
Jack Bauer's not really a guy who's known for his patient and nurturing soul. Which is why it was surprising when he was so comforting and understanding when interacting with a severely autistic nuclear bomb maker (yeah, that's a problem too) who was almost too stressed out about his wounded brother to participate in Jack's very important impromptu sting operation. And pretty unnecessary, actually. But the point is, Jack put on that soothing Sutherland timbre and babied him off the ledge with promises and child molester-y statements like "I'm not a stranger; I'm a police officer." Then he made the guy risk his life in an impromptu sting operation, and he got all kinds of shot at. The end. And that's how Jack Bauer (ludicrously) does Hallmark movies. Suck on that, Riding the Bus with My Sister.
A Super Clamp Leaves Jack with No Choice But to Hack Chase's Hand Off and Stick It in a Refrigerator for Safety Reasons (Day 3)
Poor, heroic Chase. When he realized the last vial of the impending mass pandemic of doom, the Cordilla Virus, was within his reach, he clamped it to himself so that it couldn't be released. The problem was, it wasn't an ordinary clamp. It was a super clamp! A super clamp so super not even Jack Bauer could remove it, so, with Chase's noble blessing, Jack improvised and chopped Chase's hand off, virus and all, and simply tossed it in a sealed location we all know as a "refrigerator." Which worked just as well as super clamping it to himself, but hey, Chase took the road less traveled.
President Palmer is Removed from Office for Being Hesitant to Start a Massive War Over Potentially Nothing (Day 2)
Much of Day 2's action centered around the "Cyprus recording," which was a recorded conversation between a terrorist group and some officials from various Middle Eastern countries discussing how they're totally going to nuke Los Angeles together. Holy crap, let's invade 'em, right?! Not so fast, said President David Palmer, who was being a total buzzkill, and asking for some liberal-ass "proof" that the voices on the recording were actually the officials they claimed to be before starting a war with a bunch of scary countries. Well, apparently the Founding Fathers foresaw a situation like this occurring, and made being a buzzkill a possible interpretation of just cause to remove a President from office, via the 25th Amendment, which is usually thought to be appropriate only for when Presidents are in a coma, but whatever. Palmer was removed from office briefly, and waddyaknow? The recording did turn out to be a fake, and he was reinstated, lesson never to disagree with anyone ever again fully learned.
Marwan Manages to Steal a Stealth Fighter from a US Air Base and Shoot Down Air Force One With It, and Both the President and the Nuclear Football Survive. (Day 4)
Look, we've never stolen a stealth fighter from a US Air Base, so maybe it's not as hard as it sounds. And hey, this is 24, and the impossible happens here! So, say Marwan was able to essentially hot-wire a stealth bomber from one of the U.S. military's proverbial parking garages. That we can accept. And it's not like we've ever shot down Air Force One, but that sounds like it's pretty hard too, especially when it's with a stealth bomber you've just stolen from a U.S. Air Base, and considering all of Air Force One's impressive evasive capabilities as demonstrated in the Harrison Ford caper, Air Force One. So that's all pretty unlikely and all, but hey, it could happen. It's 24! So you steal the stealth bomber somehow, you figure out Air Force One's flight coordinates, stealth flight on up to it using your stealth capabilities (that you'd think Air Force One would be outfitted to detect, considering it's a U.S. plane), manage to hit it, and it crashes -- everyone dies inside, right? Everyone but the President and his suitcase full of nuclear launch codes, that is! Insane. While those events were pretty cool to see, so are a lot of things one can find in a third grader's creative writing assignment, which is what it sounded like.
(from televisionwithoutpity.com. Also, thanks to Greg for the link)
Friday, January 23, 2009
Thursday, January 22, 2009
Conversations With Bryan
From a Meebo conversation with Bryan this morning...
Torrey: so one of the survivors of that plane crash last week is on Bonnie
Torrey: and he's talking about how "god guided that pilot and that plane down safely"
Torrey: I hate stuff like that. why did god allow the birds to fly into the engines in the first place
Bryan: well they did say those were jewish geese
Torrey: LOL
Torrey: so one of the survivors of that plane crash last week is on Bonnie
Torrey: and he's talking about how "god guided that pilot and that plane down safely"
Torrey: I hate stuff like that. why did god allow the birds to fly into the engines in the first place
Bryan: well they did say those were jewish geese
Torrey: LOL
Wednesday, January 21, 2009
Sunday, January 18, 2009
Best Fast Food Promotion Since "I'd Hit That"
In a rather ill-conceived promotional idea from KFC, Battlestar Galactica fans have an opportunity to win a collection of prizes called the "Frak Pak." Any BSG fan knows that "frak" is a made-up word used in the show to replace the word "fuck." So essentially, KFC is promoting a "Fuck Pak."
Thursday, January 15, 2009
Wednesday, January 07, 2009
24 in 24 Words
For those who want to catch up on 24 before the premiere this Sunday (or for those needing a refresher), the peeps at Metromix summed up each season of 24 in 24 words or less.
SEASON ONE
Andre Drazen: Pops, it's David Palmer.
Victor Drazen: Kill him.
Jack Bauer: I don't think so.
Teri Bauer: Jack, I love y–[BANG!]
Jack: Nooooooooo!
SEASON TWO
To Do:
8am: Reconcile with Kim
10am: Blow up CTU
12pm: Long lunch
6pm: Fly nuke out of LA
12am: Kill oil executives
8am: Spa day
SEASON THREE
From: Bauer.Kim@CTU.gov
To: Bauer.Jack@CTU.gov
Hey Daddy, thx for the new job! BTW I'm dating your partner. FYI, ur Mexican drug buddies accidentally mailed something 're: totally deadly virus.'
SEASON FOUR
Coroner's Log, Thursday
Secret Service agents, COD – Gunshot Wounds
20 Train Passengers, COD – Explosion
Thousands of Civilians, COD – Radiation Poisoning
257 terrorists, COD – Pissed off Jack Bauer
SEASON FIVE
Memorandum
From: Attorney General.
-Sale of nerve gas to terrorists is now legal.
-Conspiracy to kill Russian president is OK.
-Jack Bauer on top 10 most wanted list.
SEASON SIX
Director's Notes:
• Needs big explosion every hour
• Needs more Bauers
• Kill off everyone but Jack
• Kill Jack too
• (Kidding!)
• Everyone take 12 months off
• Tick, Tock
SEASON ONE
Andre Drazen: Pops, it's David Palmer.
Victor Drazen: Kill him.
Jack Bauer: I don't think so.
Teri Bauer: Jack, I love y–[BANG!]
Jack: Nooooooooo!
SEASON TWO
To Do:
8am: Reconcile with Kim
10am: Blow up CTU
12pm: Long lunch
6pm: Fly nuke out of LA
12am: Kill oil executives
8am: Spa day
SEASON THREE
From: Bauer.Kim@CTU.gov
To: Bauer.Jack@CTU.gov
Hey Daddy, thx for the new job! BTW I'm dating your partner. FYI, ur Mexican drug buddies accidentally mailed something 're: totally deadly virus.'
SEASON FOUR
Coroner's Log, Thursday
Secret Service agents, COD – Gunshot Wounds
20 Train Passengers, COD – Explosion
Thousands of Civilians, COD – Radiation Poisoning
257 terrorists, COD – Pissed off Jack Bauer
SEASON FIVE
Memorandum
From: Attorney General.
-Sale of nerve gas to terrorists is now legal.
-Conspiracy to kill Russian president is OK.
-Jack Bauer on top 10 most wanted list.
SEASON SIX
Director's Notes:
• Needs big explosion every hour
• Needs more Bauers
• Kill off everyone but Jack
• Kill Jack too
• (Kidding!)
• Everyone take 12 months off
• Tick, Tock
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