Live Free Or Die Hard Review

HIGHS

• Some of the action scenes were really well shot. Great use of panning cameras and interesting angles that help add to the overall intensity.
• The first 30 minutes or so were actually pretty okay, but it was a constant downhill slide from there.
• The actress playing John McClane's daughter wasn't annoying. That's pretty significant, as more often than not that sort of character would be.
• Justin Long did a pretty decent job as the comic relief sidekick. But that may be my slight attraction toward him talking. I try to remain as objective as I can, but c'mon, he's a cutie.
• This movie will make you appreciate Die Hard 3 more.
  

LOWS

• Let's get one thing clear right off the bat. This is not a Die Hard movie. This is some other kind of action movie that happens to star Bruce Willis as John McClane. The similarities end there.
• I hate the fact that the movie was dumbed down to get a PG-13 rating. John McClane swears. A lot. He finds himself in crazy situations where dropping f-bombs is completely necessary and expected. A restrained McClane does not cut the mustard. It's almost as bad as trying to show The Sopranos on A&E...
• Some of the action was very unrealistic. John McClane is not a superhero. He's just a tough cop who does what he can to survive. He should not find himself surfing on fighter jets.
• The story is more convoluted than it needed to be and meandered a lot. The writers really wanted me to think what was happening was a big deal, but I just wasn't buying it.
• Really lame villain. He talked through clenched teeth and pursed lips and I just wanted him to die. You're supposed to hate the villain, but for different reasons. This guy was no Hans Gruber, let me tell you. He didn't even have an accent!
• The dialogue was pretty awful at times. Borderline eye-roll inducing, which is not what you want in a Die Hard flick.
• Some bad green screen work that is really inexcusable in today's age of top-notch effects.
• Just when I thought things couldn't get worse, that d-bag Kevin Smith shows up playing, what else, a big fat nerdy loser residing in his mother's basement. And seriously, my hatred for Kevin Smith aside, his acting was atrocious. Stick with the silent thing, please.
  

Torrey's Opinion:
5- Strongly Recommended
4- Recommended
3- A Mixed Bag
2- Sub-par
1- Don't Bother

Random related fact: Jessica Simpson auditioned unsuccessfully for the role of Bruce Willis' daughter.

I Like When Things Go Boom

***My 500th Post!***

It's no secret that I'm a sucker for over-the-top action scenes. Why else would I have rented Bad Boys II? A movie doesn't have to be good to be entertaining, in my opinion.

Here are The Top 10 Most Ridiculous Action Movie Moments as compiled by TheShiznit.co.uk:

1) WILL SMITH GIVES THE ALIENS A VIRUS in INDEPENDENCE DAY
The lowdown: Aliens blow six shades of shit out of Planet Earth’s major landmarks from their massive bastard spaceships. Conveniently, Area 51 still has an old alien cruiser from when they stopped by Roswell for a holiday, and Will Smith has got a plan...
Why so ridiculous? Will Smith and Jeff Goldblum both hop on board the crashed alien vessel and fly to the mothership, uploading a virus that brings down the alien shields. Are you fucking kidding me? This is a film in which aliens attack Earth, and the most unbelievable part is still buying the fact that our hardware is compatible with alien technology. “Upload a virus? Sure! I’ll go ahead and assume the aliens are using Windows Vista and save the world!”
In reality... They travel all that way only to realise the aliens don’t even have a USB drive on their computers. Earth explodes and Will Smith gets a tentacle up the arse for good measure.
Wins the award for: Outstanding Contribution To Outer Space Explosions.

2) THE BUS JUMP in SPEED
The lowdown: Crazy terrorist Dennis Hopper has planted a bomb on a city bus, which will detonate when the speedo dips below 50mph. Cue chaos as the bus full of passengers tears it up through interstates and side roads, with only Keanu Reeves’ hot-head cop on board.
Why so ridiculous? Speed’s concept is a fantastic premise, but that doesn’t mean the movie can suddenly ignore the laws of physics. Approaching a gap in the approaching overpass, Keanu convinces Sandy Bullock’s driver to punch it, and the bus sails over the 30ft gap in glorious slow motion, landing with a bump (at over 50mph at that). Of course it does! Reeves later tries the same trick with a train, but fails. Jerkwad.
In reality... The bus takes a nosedive straight through the freeway and takes out dozens of innocent passengers, all of whom curse Keanu’s name as they meet a fiery death.
Wins the award for: Most Liberal Use Of Gravity.

3) THE DOWNHILL SHANTY TOWN DEMOLITION in BAD BOYS II
The lowdown: Bad boys Mike Lowry and Marcus Burnett are on the trail of one of Cuba’s biggest drug kingpins, Johnny Tapia. After over two hours of gung-ho action, sideways shooting and mildly amusing quips, they hop into a yellow Hummer and go offroad.
Why so ridiculous? Behind the wheel of their indestructible truck, the bad boys are chased down a hill, smashing through several houses in a small wooden shanty town seemingly on purpose. Forget the fact that dozens, if not hundreds of poor ethnic townsfolk would be killed in the resulting downhill demolition – these people have been making drugs, so they deserved to die! Screaming! Under the wheels of Will Smith’s car!
In reality... The druglord escapes and a few more people in the world get high. Lowry and Burnett are charged with 168 cases of manslaughter. Bad boys for life!
Wins the award for: Most Bodacious Disregard For Human Life.

4) “I THINK WORLD WAR II JUST STARTED!” in PEARL HARBOR
The lowdown: Michael Bay directs a typically understated drama on the horrors of the attack on Pearl Harbour during the Second World War, which in no way makes entertainment of out tragedy. Starring Ben Affleck.
Why so ridiculous? Americans just love a movie they can whoop and holler at, and nothing brings together the masses like a dumbass US war film. Maybe, just maybe, Michael Bay wasn’t the most tactful of choices to direct. Among a laundry list of historical inaccuracies was Josh Hartnett’s character exclaiming: “I think World War II just started!” Yes, that’s in 1941. Two years after the rest of the world had already got their fight on. And Americans wonder why the rest of the world think they’re stupid.
In reality... Hartnett says: “I think it’s time for us Americans to step in and save the world!” Still full of shit, but slightly more accurate.
Wins the award for: Best Use Of Explosions To Cover Up Historical Goofs.

5) VIN DIESEL SNOWBOARDS DOWN AN AVALANCHE in xXx
The lowdown: A James Bond for a new generation, Xander Cage aka xXx is an extreme sports nut and part-time anarchist who is recruited by the government to go undercover in a group of terrorists, while looking like he’s not particularly bothered about anything.
Why so ridiculous? The whole movie’s dumber than a box of pebbles so singling out the stupidest scene is a little like finding the dunce in a class of retarded kids. Using his extreme sports skills TO THE MAX, xXx avoids a well-deserved death by avalanche by hopping on a snowboard and riding that bitch to the bottom. Clinging safely onto a thin metal pole at the foot of the mountain, he’s unaffected by the huge landslide, which incidentally smashes a huge house to bits and kills several dumbass henchmen in the process. EXTREEEEME!
In reality... Diesel cops a lungful of snow and rests in peace under twenty feet of freshly laid piste.
Wins the award for: Best Parody Of A PlayStation Game.

6) THE SKYSCRAPER FREEFALL in THE ISLAND
The lowdown: Two clones escape a testing facility where they’re being bred as spare parts for rich twats with duff organs and saggy tits. They make it into the real world only to be pursued by facility staff and the po-leece.
Why so ridiculous? Please, this is action spaz Michael Bay. Not only do the clones manage to evade capture on foot when their pursuers have hover bikes and guns, but they manage to fall from the roof of a 70-story skyscraper – clinging onto a gigantic corporate logo of the letter ‘R’ (which presumably stands for retarded) – and land caught up in netting without a scratch. This being a Bay film, two helicopters also explode in the same stunt. Because you can’t have people falling off buildings without exploding a helicopter or two.
In reality... The clones escape but are burned alive by Christian protestors for being abhorrent freaks of nature.
Wins the award for: Best Half-Arsed Idea Executed By Michael Bay.

7) SNAKE PLISSKEN SURFS A TSUNAMI in ESCAPE FROM L.A.
The lowdown: Gruff criminal and all-round cool guy Snake is once again recruited by the government, this time to infiltrate the prison island of Los Angeles and receive a doomsday device stolen by the president’s daughter.
Why so ridiculous? From the outset, it’s clear Escape From L.A. is John Carpenter on autopilot – it’s clearly not meant to be taken seriously, though perhaps someone should have told Kurt Russell. The man they call Snake hangs ten while surfing a tsunami wave down Wiltshire Boulevard and then jumps off his surfboard onto the back of a moving car like it’s the most natural thing in the world. Consider the life-or-death basketball match and weep that such a cool character appeared in such baloney - making Snake surf is like making Han Solo hand glide.
In reality... “The most notorious criminal in US history” realises he’s about as adept at surfing as Stephen Hawking and bails, breaking his pelvis and dooming the planet.
Wins the award for: Stubbliest Anti-Hero Performing An Extreme Sport.

8) CRANK (THE WHOLE DAMN THING)
The lowdown: Chev Chelios (the lunacy has started already) is a professional assassin who wakes up to find he’s been poisoned. If his heart rate dips he’ll die, so he’s got to stay full of adrenaline at all times. A perfect excuse for a lack of plot - cue the mindless action!
Why so ridiculous? From beginning to end, Crank is one big clusterfuck of ridiculous action scenes, the Adrenaline turned up to 11 with the Logic firmly on mute. Watching Chev headbutt his friends, shag his missus in public, swan dive off a moving motorbike and run around with a gigantic boner never gets tired, but it stretches credibility to breaking point. It might be like ‘Speed On A Person’, but hell - it sure is fun.
In reality... Chev’s enemies cut his throat in his sleep, rather than give him a slow-working poison that might just encourage him to get angry.
Wins the award for: Worst Character Name Since Korben Dallas.

9) THE SHITTY SCORPION KING in THE MUMMY RETURNS
The lowdown: Rick and Evelyn again battle hordes of mummies as Imhotep is once again raised from the dead to cause trouble. The adventure takes the gang into the temple of the Scorpion King (played by The Rock) who, if resurrected, will destroy the world or something.
Why so ridiculous? Ha ha. Ha ha ha. Seriously? Ha ha haaa. A word in the ear of any directors: make sure you don’t spunk your entire SFX budget up the wall before the final battle, otherwise you risk your heroes facing off against a CG abomination that looks like it was made in Microsoft Paint. As Rick struggles with the shockingly shabby Scorpion King, it looks likes he’s fighting a Create-A-Wrestler from the WWF Smackdown videogame. A computer-generated low that’ll be tough to beat.
In reality... Rick must save the world from a tennis ball on a stick.
Wins the award for: Best Use Of An Atari 2600 For Special Effects.

10) TOMMY LEE JONES OUTRUNS A FALLING BUILDING in VOLCANO
The lowdown: A volcano erupts in Los Angeles and clever clogs TLJ reasons that they divert the lava into the ocean by detonating buildings (a good idea). Unfortunately, he’s standing underneath one when they do (a bad idea).
Why so ridiculous? Tommy Lee Jones looks like a man who’d struggle to outrun a corpse at the best of times, so having him outrun a falling skyscraper is a pretty fucking big stretch of the imagination. Not only does the old codger manage to defy logic and physics, he scoops up a mop-topped youngster while doing it. When he emerges from the rubble to see all different races covered in ash, the brat remarks “They all look the same!” Damn, I used to be a huge racist, but not any more!
In reality... Tommy takes two steps before a building lands on his head. Add another grave to the Three Burials.
Wins the award for: Fastest 100-Yard Dash (Geriatric Division).

Blogger's Note: Here are some of my personal picks:

JAKE GYLLENHAAL OUTRUNNING FROST in THE DAY AFTER TOMORROW
THE FIRE HOSE SCENE in THE TRANSPORTER 2
THE CLIFFHANGING TRAILER SCENE in THE LOST WORLD: JURASSIC PARK
DUELING WATER WHEEL SHENANIGANS in PIRATES OF THE CARIBBEAN: DEAD MAN'S CHEST

Cream Of The Sci-Fi Crop

Here are Rotten Tomatoes' 25 Best-Reviewed Sci-Fi Films Of All Time:

1. E.T. The Extra-Terrestrial (1982)
2. Eternal Sunshine Of The Spotless Mind (2004)
3. Metropolis (1926)
4. Alien (1979)
5. Minority Report (2002)
6. The Empire Strikes Back (1980)
7. Children Of Men (2006)
8. The Host (2007)
9. Star Wars (1977)
10. Aliens (1986)
11. The Road Warrior (1981)
12. The Bride Of Frankenstein (1935)
13. Galaxy Quest (1999)
14. Brazil (1985)
15. The Terminator (1984)
16. Invasion Of The Body Snatchers (1956)
17. Solaris (1972)
18. 2001: A Space Odyssey (1968)
19. Frankenstein (1931)
20. Mad Max (1979)
21. Repo Man (1984)
22. Back To The Future (1985)
23. Sleeper (1973)
24. Invasion Of The Body Snatchers (1978)
25. Gojira (1954)

Blogger's Note: Minority Report at #5! Take that, practically everyone I know!

Gay Used To Mean Happy

(Thanks to Bryan for the pic)

Scientists Have Theorized That The T-Rex Could Probably Breathe Fire

I have no idea if this kids menu is for real, but I sure got a good chuckle out of it. As always, click on each photo for a larger view.

Each Color As Unique As You Are

(you'll want to click on the photo for an enlarged view)

Like A Fine Wine?

Here is the first photo in 18 years of Harrison Ford as Indiana Jones. He's definitely showing his age but I'd say the fedora still fits.

The Nerdy Pictures Post

Here are three nerdy photos I came across this morning. (the Millennium Falcon scene was constructed from Legos)

High Quality H2O

The Ririan Project has compiled a list of 10 Reasons to Drink More Water. Follow the link for a more detailed list on their site.

1. Get Healthy Skin
2. Flush Toxins
3. Reduce Your Risk Of Heart Attack
4. Cushion And Lube Your Joints And Muscles
5. Get Energized And Be Alert
6. Stay Regular
7. Reduce Your Risk Of Disease And Infection
8. Regulate Your Body Temperature
9. Burn More Fat And Build More Muscle
10. Get Well

Polls For Your Amusement

Final Results (6/28/07):

When attending a summer BBQ, which do you go for first?

Hamburger - 75%
Hotdog - 25%
Veggie/Tofu Nonsense - 0%


I once joked, "That's So Raven? More like Fatso Raven!" Is this...

Cruel - 36%
Funny - 64%


When hankering an alcoholic beverage, you typically prefer:

Beer - 55%
Wine - 9%
Liquor - 36%

Thanks to all who participated!

How Not To Run A Business

It's been awhile since I've stuck it to Sony on here, so what better time than now? Here is a collection of ridiculous quotes Sony big-wigs have made regarding the PS3 and its competition:

"It’s probably too cheap…"
– Ken Kutaragi, Regarding the $499 to $599 price point

"(the PS3) is not a game machine…"
- Ken Kutaragi, Regarding the machine’s beefy hardware architecture

"…for consumers to think to themselves ‘I will work more hours to buy one’. We want people to feel that they want it, irrespective of anything else."
– Ken Kutaragi, explaining their marketing goals for the PS3

"We do not care."
– Kaz Hirai, current President of Computer Entertainment, regarding competition from Microsoft and Nintendo

"I don't think the battle would be any different with or without Grand Theft Auto... I don't think it (losing Grand Theft Auto would) hurts us. No, I really don't."
- Jack Tretton, Sony Computer Entertainment America president and CEO

"If you can find a PS3 anywhere in North America that's been on shelves for more than five minutes, I'll give you 1200 bucks for it."
- Jack Tretton, Sony Computer Entertainment America president and CEO

"The first five million are going to buy it (PS3), whatever it is, even [if] it didn't have games."
- David Reeves, Sony Computer Entertainment Europe CEO

"Microsoft does not concern us. Microsoft is not a technology company."
- Nobuyuki Idei, Sony chief corporate adviser in an interview with BBC NEWS

"A bit pricey."
- Michael Ephraim, Managing Director of Sony Computer Entertainment Australia, speaking about Nintendo Wii in an interview with the age.com

"The PlayStation 3 is a computer. We do not need the PC."
- Phil Harrison, president of Sony Worldwide Studios, in an interview with GameSpot

"Nintendo knows its target audience, because it has really narrowed that down; and it’s pretty much defined by a boy or girl’s ability to admire Pokemon."
- Phil Harrison, president of Sony Computer Entertainment's Worldwide Studios

"Consider the US with its massive land and cheap people. Then you look at the UK - a little island where rent and rates are at an absolute premium, and the cost of people is a lot more."
- Sony's take on the consumers, as told by UK Managing Director Ray Maguire to website gamesindustry.biz

"I have no concerns about the competition."
- Phil Harrison, president of Sony Worldwide Studios speaking at the Game Developer Conference

"I don’t think we’re arrogant."
– Phil Harrison, regarding consumer perception of Sony

The Muppet Man

I was in an IRC channel tonight when someone made the comment...

"I think the world needs Jim Henson now more than ever."

It struck me as insightful, somehow. I think he's probably right.

Too Much Wang?

85% of the 1.3 billion citizens of China share only about 100 family names. There are 93 million people with the surname Wang.

(from Yahoo News)

Bro Rape: A Newsline Investigative Report

(Thanks to Chris for showing me this fantastic vid)

Black [updated 6/13/07]

Did anyone see the Sopranos finale last night? I feel the need to get some other viewpoints on the ending. I'm left feeling a tad bewildered...

Spoiler Alert: The post that follows as well as the comments section contain plot details from the finale episode. Consider yourself warned.

The following is from Kevin Levine's blog. He has written/produced/directed shows like MASH, Cheers, Frasier, The Simpsons, Everybody Loves Raymond and many others over the course of his 30-year career.

"If The Sopranos Were On A Major Network"

• The finale would be at least two hours.
• There would be a one hour clip show hosted by Bob Costas preceding it.
• There would be live coverage of the cast party on the network’s local 11:00 news. It would be the lead story even if Hurricane Katrina hit that day.
• There would be a little animated promo swooshing across the bottom of the screen after every commercial break of every other prime time show on that network for two weeks. A little gun would shoot a little mobster. The blood would spell out SOPRANOS.
• Also, on the bottom of the screen there would be a little countdown clock for a month leading up to the finale.
• The cast would be on that network’s late night talk show. If the network didn’t have a late night talk show they would create one just for this purpose.
• An online contest would offer prizes if you guessed who would be whacked and when. That way you could watch the final episode and play along at home.
• They would spin off Janice. Coming in September: WIDOW WITH CHILDREN.
• They would insist that Tony’s mother return despite the fact that the actress who played her has died.
• They would NEVER EVER EVER allow an ambiguous ending.
• They would want the following changes in the last scene. Meadow should drive a Ford because that’s who is sponsoring. She should have no trouble parallel parking because Fords are easy to parallel park. The restaurant must be TGI Fridays – also a sponsor and much more colorful. The threat should come from a singing waiter wearing a straw hat, suspenders, and hundreds of fun buttons. A secondary threat should be an Arab terrorist with a scar. The Arab should pull his gun. The waiter should point his banjo (which is also a semi-automatic rifle). It looks like Tony, Carmela, and A.J. are done for it. Final commercial break. We come back just as Meadow bursts in the door with an Uzi and blows the bad guys away. Meadow, it seems, has just come from dance class and is wearing nothing but a hot leotards. Tony says, “That’s what I get for going to Fridays on Tuesday.” The family shares a laugh. Meadow sits down. Everyone hugs and declares their love for each other. Carmelo calls out, “Can we get ANOTHER waiter?” They laugh. One more hug. Long fade out, as music swells – Dino’s “Ain’t That a Kick in the Head”. Fade out. Your local news is next.
  

So if you’re still pissed at David Chase for the way he really ended the series just think of the alternative.

(Thanks to Rawson for the link)

Results May Vary

Just in time for summer- Make your own ice cream in under five minutes!

What You'll Need:

1 tablespoon Sugar
1/2 cup Milk or half & half
1/4 teaspoon Vanilla
6 tablespoons Rock salt
1 pint-size Ziploc plastic bag
1 gallon-size Ziploc plastic bag
Ice cubes

Step 1: Fill the large bag half full of ice, and add the rock salt. Seal the bag.
Step 2: Put milk, vanilla, and sugar into the small bag, and seal it.
Step 3: Place the small bag inside the large one and seal again carefully.
Step 4: Shake until mixture is ice cream, about 5 minutes.
Step 5: Wipe off top of small bag, then open carefully and enjoy!

(from The Kaboose Family Network)

Behold, The ZoomQuilt!

Click on the picture below and prepare to be amazed right out of your socks!

Gamer Beware

Here's a nice example of why I don't generally do business with Gamestop.

Like A Good Neighbor

Here are some interesting things you probably didn't know about Mr. Fred Rogers (at least I didn't).

(from Mental_floss)

Most people have heard of Koko, the Stanford-educated gorilla who could speak about 1000 words in American Sign Language, and understand about 2000 in English. What most people don’t know, however, is that Koko was an avid Mister Rogers’ Neighborhood fan. As Esquire reported, when Fred Rogers took a trip out to meet Koko for his show, not only did she immediately wrap her arms around him and embrace him, she did what she’d always seen him do onscreen: she proceeded to take his shoes off!

According to a TV Guide piece on him, Fred Rogers drove a plain old Impala for years. One day, however, the car was stolen from the street near the TV station. When Rogers filed a police report, the story was picked up by every newspaper, radio and media outlet around town. Amazingly, within 48 hours the car was left in the exact spot where it was taken from, with an apology on the dashboard. It read, “If we’d known it was yours, we never would have taken it.”

Mr. Rogers weighed in at exactly 143 pounds every day for the last 30 years of his life. He didn’t smoke, didn’t drink, didn’t eat the flesh of any animals, and was extremely disciplined in his daily routine. And while I’m not sure if any of that was because he’d mostly grown up a chubby, single child, Junod points out that Rogers found beauty in the number 143. According to the piece, Rogers came “to see that number as a gift… because, as he says, “the number 143 means ‘I love you.’ It takes one letter to say ‘I’ and four letters to say ‘love’ and three letters to say ‘you.’ One hundred and forty-three.”

When the government wanted to cut Public Television funds in 1969, the relatively unknown Mister Rogers went to Washington. Almost straight out of a Capra film, his 5-6 minute testimony on how TV had the potential to give kids hope and create more productive citizens was so simple but passionate that even the most gruff politicians were charmed. While the budget should have been cut, the funding instead jumped from $9 to $22 million. Rogers also spoke to Congress, and swayed senators into voting to allow VCR’s to record television shows from the home. It was a cantankerous debate at the time, but his argument was that recording a program like his allowed working parents to sit down with their children and watch shows as a family.

Despite being an ordained Presbyterian minister, and a man of tremendous faith, Mister Rogers preached tolerance first. Whenever he was asked to castigate non-Christians or gays for their differing beliefs, he would instead face them and say, with sincerity, “God loves you just the way you are.” Often this provoked ire from fundamentalists.

Once, on a fancy trip up to a PBS exec’s house, he heard the limo driver was going to wait outside for 2 hours, so he insisted the driver come in and join them (which flustered the host). On the way back, Rogers sat up front, and when he learned that they were passing the driver’s home on the way, he asked if they could stop in to meet his family. According to the driver, it was one of the best nights of his life—the house supposedly lit up when Rogers arrived, and he played jazz piano and bantered with them late into the night.

Mr. Rogers was color-blind. He couldn’t see the color blue. Of course, he was also figuratively color-blind, as you probably guessed. As were his parents who took in a black foster child when Rogers was growing up.

Michael Keaton got his start on the show as an assistant- helping puppeteer and operate the trolley.

Every one of the cardigans he wore on the show had been hand-knit by his mother.