You've Got Questions? Brent Has Answers

Torrey: What is it about wheat bread that makes it better for you?
Brent: The two biggest differences between white bread and whole wheat are the processing and the nutritional value. Flour is made from wheat berries. The wheat berry is made up of the bran, the germ and the endosperm. All parts are filled with nutrients and are used in whole wheat flour. White bread on the other hand, uses only the endosperm - the starchy inner layer. There is a total of 30 nutrients missing in white bread. The nutritional difference is immense and has measurable impact on our health.

I think I could have done without all that sexual innuendo but I appreciate the explanation.

Razzle Dazzle 'Em

It's that time of year when the Razzie nominations come out. Here are the categories:

Worst Picture
Deuce Bigalow: European Gigolo
Dirty Love
Dukes Of Hazzard
House Of Wax
Son Of The Max

Worst Sequel/Remake
Bewitched
Deuce Bigalow: European Gigolo
Dukes of Hazzard
House Of Wax
Son Of The Mask

Worst Actor
Tom Cruise (War Of The Worlds)
Will Ferrell (Bewitched/Kicking & Screaming)
Jamie Kennedy (Son Of The Mask)
The Rock (Doom)
Rob Schneider (Deuce Bigalow: European Gigolo)

Worst Actress
Jessica Alba (Fantastic 4/Into The Blue)
Hilary Duff (Cheaper By The Dozen 2)
Jennifer Lopez (Monster-in-Law)
Jenny McCarthy (Dirty Love)
Tara Reid (Alone In The Dark)

Worst Supporting Actor
Hayden Christensen (Star Wars Ep. III)
Alan Cumming (Son Of The Mask)
Bob Hoskins (Son Of The Mask)
Eugene Levy (Cheaper By The Dozen 2/The Man)
Burt Reynolds (The Longest Yard/Dukes Of Hazzard)

Worst Supporting Actress
Carmen Electra (Dirty Love)
Paris Hilton (House Of Wax)
Katie Holmes (Batman Begins)
Ashlee Simpson (Undiscovered)
Jessica Simpson (Dukes Of Hazzard)

Feel free to share your votes here if you feel so inclined.

If You Spell Chuck Norris In Scrabble, You Win. Forever.

In honor of Cookie, I present the Top 10 Chuck Norris Facts according to some website I stumbled upon that seemed to be an authority on the subject.

1. Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried. Ever.
2. Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
3. Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.
4. The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.
5. If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris, you may be only seconds away from death.
6. Chuck Norris has counted to infinity. Twice.
7. Chuck Norris' blood type is AK+. Ass-Kicking Positive. It is compatible only with heavy construction equipment, tanks, and fighter jets.
8. Chuck Norris is 1/8th Cherokee. This has nothing to do with ancestry, the man ate a fucking Indian.
9. In fine print on the last page of the Guinness Book of World Records it notes that all world records are held by Chuck Norris, and those listed in the book are simply the closest anyone else has ever gotten.
10. There is no chin behind Chuck Norris' beard. There is only another fist.

And some of my personal favorites:

• Crop circles are Chuck Norris' way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie the fuck down.
• Most people have 23 pairs of chromosomes. Chuck Norris has 72... and they're all poisonous.
• Chuck Norris can win a game of Connect Four in only three moves.
• Chuck Norris has two speeds: Walk and Kill.
• Chuck Norris doesn't shower, he only takes blood baths.
• On his birthday, Chuck Norris randomly selects one lucky child to be thrown into the sun.
• Chuck Norris invented black. In fact, he invented the entire spectrum of visible light. Except pink. Tom Cruise invented pink.
• It takes Chuck Norris 20 minutes to watch 60 Minutes.
• It takes 14 puppeteers to make Chuck Norris smile, but only 2 to make him destroy an orphanage.
• James Cameron originally wanted Chuck Norris to play The Terminator. Upon reflection, however, James realized he would then be filming a documentary.
• Chuck Norris keeps his friends close and his enemies closer. Close enough to drop them with one roundhouse kick to the face.
• When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he isn't lifting himself up, he's pushing the Earth down.
• There is in fact an “I” in Norris, but there is no “team”… not even close.

And one that Cookie sent to me via text message today while I was at work:
Chuck Norris takes a baseball bat into the can in case he craps out a wildcat and has to beat it to death.

Proper Credentials

Things You Must Believe In To Be A Republican Today:

• Jesus loves you, and shares your hatred of homosexuals and Hillary Clinton.
• Saddam was a good guy when Reagan armed him, a bad guy when Bush's daddy made war on him, a good guy when Cheney did business with him and a bad guy when Bush needed a "we can't find Bin Laden" diversion.
• Trade with Cuba is wrong because the country is Communist, but trade with China and Vietnam is vital to a spirit of international harmony.
• The United States should get out of the United Nations, and our highest national priority is enforcing U.N. resolutions against Iraq.
• A woman can't be trusted with decisions about her own body, but multi-national corporations can make decisions affecting all mankind without regulation.
• The best way to improve military morale is to praise the troops in speeches while slashing veterans' benefits and combat pay.
• If condoms are kept out of schools, adolescents won't have sex. (if you had to find one line that summed up the Republican way of thinking, this would be it. -Torrey)
• A good way to fight terrorism is to belittle our long-time allies, then demand their cooperation and money.
• Providing health care to all Iraqis is sound policy. Providing health care to all Americans is socialism.
• Global warming and tobacco's link to cancer are junk science, but creationism should be taught in schools.
• A president lying about an extramarital affair is an impeachable offense.
• A president lying to enlist support for a war in which thousands die is solid defense policy.
• Government should limit itself to the powers named in the Constitution, which include banning gay marriages and censoring the Internet.
• The public has a right to know about Hillary's cattle trades, but George Bush's driving record is none of our business.
• Being a drug addict is a moral failing and a crime, unless you're a conservative radio host. Then it's an illness and you need our prayers for your recovery.
• You support states' rights, which means Attorney General John Ashcroft can tell states what local voter initiatives they have the right to adopt.
• What Bill Clinton did in the 1960s is of vital national interest, but what Bush did in the '80s is irrelevant.

Jack Thompson: Major League A-Hole

(from shoutwire)

You may have seen the story a few days ago about the depressed gamer who announced his suicide to the world on an forum at metalgearsolid.org. Following this tragic news several sites, including the original metalgearsolid.org, have reported that famous anti-games campaigner Jack Thompson has sent a letter to the owners of metalgearsolid.org, being less than sympathetic to the situation. The letter reads;

Your "gamer friend" will find peace through the Lord, Jesus Christ, but sadly it's too late for that.

There is a void in every heart. You can fill it up with the things of God, or the things not of God. This unfortunate soul chose to fill it up with combat games. The playing of these video games is masturbatory activity, meaning senseless self-stimulation. If you gamers could use a dictionary you would know that that term is not necessarily a sexual one.

The real tragedy here extends beyond the life and death of this one fellow. There are literally millions of young people and young adults whose despair is deepend by turning to the things of this world and then finding them meaningless.

All of you gamers need to put down the controllers and get a life. The utter inanity of the vast majority of postings here shows how vapid "gaming" really is.

You are one of the cheerleaders for this wasting of time and the wasting of lives. Do you feel any remorse for having contributed to this "culture of death?" Of course not. Hey, let's all play MORE games, and ignore all the really productive things to do with our lives.

Let's pretend to be shocked that a gamer might descend into deeper depression, as his gamer "buds," knowing he was killing himself, couldn't figure out how to call 911 themselves for him. That would have involved leaving their computers I guess.

Sad. Sad for all of you."

Blogger's Note: So playing video games is a big waste of time? Sorta like praying to god, right?

Yes, He Has Access To Nuclear Weapons

Our dimwitted commander in chief gives the world yet another reason to laugh at us:

Bush vs. Door

(thanks to Brent for the link)

A Pleasant Surprise

So Tony and I watched that movie Sky High tonight and I have to share with you all that I was genuinely shocked at how good it was. I was expecting a big-budget Disney Channel lame-fest but it turns out this flick is actually quite brilliant. The best way I can think to describe is Saved By The Bell with super heroes. Only more current, no Screech and the jokes are better. They very intentionally use all the typical high school cliches but mix in over-the-top super power shenanigans. The results are highly entertaining, especially due to the fact that the themes never gets too schmaltzy. After seeing the trailer last year I had written it off as another nail in Kurt Russell's career coffin but even he was great in it. Do yourself a favor and check it out if you're ever in the market for a fun flick.

But you don't have to take MY word for it (wink to LeVar Burton), Joss Whedon called Sky High his favorite film of 2005.

Serenity Reflection

My buddy Schnepf just summed up Joss Whedon's Serenity very nicely tonight and I felt like sharing it here...

Fettis 9: Joss said Mal was a direct answer to Lucas changing the fact that Han Solo shot first in Star Wars
deviledHam79: haha
deviledHam79: yup
Fettis 9: as he has Mal kill 3 unarmed people in the film
deviledHam79: I consider Serenity to be a big fuck you to Lucas
Fettis 9: as do I
deviledHam79: he made a far superior film on about a quarter the budget
Fettis 9: yep
Fettis 9: its because he makes movies about people
Fettis 9: not movies about effects that happen to have people in them

The Snow Shovel List

On a slow duty night at USM a number of years ago I decided to draft up a "Snow Shovel List" which contained various celebrities who, if given the opportunity, I would smack in the face with a snow shovel. I will now share with you this list.

• Margaret Cho
• Carrot Top
• Sandra Bernhard (although it looks like someone beat me to it)
• Julia Stiles
• Carson Daly
• Bono
• Kevin Smith
• Dave Matthews
• Ben Affleck
• Molly Shannon
• Camryn Manheim
• John Mayer
• Any Real World cast member, past or present
• Dharma & Greg
• Ashlee Simpson

Feel free to share those who would make your personal Snow Shovel List.

One More Thing...

Okay, one last post before I take off because I got such a hearty chuckle out of it. An excerpt from a conversation I had with Cookie while I was packing:

jugglinggeese: my ipod is here and its shiny!
deviledHam79: lol
jugglinggeese: soooooo pretty
deviledHam79: did you get the white or black?
jugglinggeese: black
deviledHam79: good call, the white ones get smudgy after awhile
jugglinggeese: yeah, its just classier
jugglinggeese: to have the black
jugglinggeese: like a tux
jugglinggeese: plus, i still want to use my ipod after labor day

How Would Horatio Alger Handle This Situation?

For the half dozen of you that frequent my little blog, I will be on vacation in Las Vegas until the 13th so the site won't be updated during my absence. I know you're wondering what you'll do with your online time during that week but I'm sure you'll manage.

Peace Out, Y'allz

Do It For The Bluthes

If you enjoy the brilliant and hilarious Arrested Development, sign this petition to have it kept on the air:

Save AD

2005 Movie Roundup

My five favorite films of 2005 (in no particular order):

• Sin City
• King Kong
• Serenity
• Walk The Line
• Batman Begins
  

"Better Than Expected" Award:
Mr. & Mrs. Smith

"At Least It's Out Of His System" Award:
Episode III

"Plot Holes" Award:
War Of The Worlds

"Best Movie No One Saw" Award:
Serenity

"Best Use Of An Old Artform" Award:
Corpse Bride

"Good Movie, Bad Title" Award:
The Constant Gardener

"Best Movie Based On A Book I've Never Read" Award:
Harry Potter And The Goblet Of Fire

"Best Viewed While Intoxicated" Award:
The Transporter 2

"No One Liked This Movie But Me" Award:
Flightplan

A Car Ad Worth Watching

Some folks spent three months making an ad for the Honda Accord that features a Pee-Wee's Big Adventure-like chain of events using almost every part that can be found on the car. This really is quite astounding.

Way Cool Honda Accord Ad

Are The Gin Blossoms Still Together?

Random question time:

If you could choose any singer/band to perform at your next birthday party, who would it be?

Intelligence Declines

Gaudy Or Festive: Round 5

Some Words From The Good Doctor

Just because I feel like it, I'm posting some great quotes I found today from the late Hunter S. Thompson.

"He could shake your hand and stab you in the back at the same time." –on Richard Nixon

"Bush is a natural-born loser with a filthy-rich daddy who pimped his son out to rich oil-mongers. He hates music, football and sex, in no particular order, and he is no fun at all."

"I have a theory that the truth is never told during the nine-to-five hours."

"All we have to do is get out and vote, while it's still legal, and we will wash those crooked warmongers out of the White House."

“I hate to advocate drugs, alcohol, violence, or insanity to anyone, but they've always worked for me.”

“The Edge... there is no honest way to explain it because the only people who really know where it is are the ones who have gone over.”

"Who are these Swine? These flag-sucking half-wits who get fleeced and fooled by stupid little rich kids like George Bush? ..... They speak for all that is cruel and stupid and viscious in the American character.... I piss down the throats of these Nazis. And I am too old to worry about whether they like it or not. Fuck Them."

”Call on God, but row away from the rocks.”

King Kong Review

HIGHS

• It's not often that a movie comes along that trascends being just a 'movie' and actually becomes an event because of its enormity and weight. Kong is everything an adventure film should be and then some. Peter Jackson did an amazing job of weaving a flowing narrative along with non-stop action that slaps George Lucas down like the bitch that he is.
• A lot of critics will throw around the word "breathtaking" to describe a film but Kong actually has action scenes that do just that. From the dinosaur stampede to the chase through New York, the entire experience is like a runaway freight train. In this type of movie, if you can get the audience to gasp rather than groan you've done something right.
• Per usual, Jackson assembled a fine cast for this one. And as expected, Mr. Jack Black came through with flying colors as the smarmy Carl Denham.
• This version of Kong did a much better job of presenting the relationship that developed between Ann Darrow and the big ape. My impression from the 1933 Kong was that Darrow was simply terrified the entire time. In this new film we see them share moments together where they make actual emotional connections. The part were Darrow performs vaudeville acts for Kong was brilliant.
• I'm pretty sure this is one of the best film's I've seen in my lifetime.
  

LOWS

• That scene in the insect pit will no doubt terrify young children. Most unsettling it was.

Torrey's Opinion:
5- Strongly Recommended
4- Recommended
3- A Mixed Bag
2- Sub-par
1- Don't Bother

Random related fact: On April Fools Day 2005, Peter Jackson created an elaborate practical joke, which he posted on a web diary at kongisking.net. He "revealed" that they were already starting production on King Kong: Son of Kong and King Kong: Into the Wolf's Lair. Both films, supposedly to be released in 2006, contained the principal characters riding the Son of Kong, strapping machine guns to his back and fighting Hitler's genetically mutated creatures. The films were going to be produced under the banner of "Big Primate Productions".

Stretch Armstrong Sheds A Single Tear

Forbes' Most Popular Toys Of The Past 100 Years

1900 - 1909: Crayola Crayons
1910 - 1919: Raggedy Ann Dolls
1920 - 1929: Madame Alexander Collectible Dolls
1930 - 1939: View-Master 3D Viewere
1940 - 1949: Candy Land
1950 - 1959: Mr. Potato Head
1960 - 1969: G.I. Joe
1970 - 1979: Rubik's Cube
1980 - 1989: Cabbage Patch Kids
1990 - 1999: Beanie Babies
2000 - present: Razor Scooter